The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things have been very rough at home. I have been battling with bitterness towards my AH. I had been getting very angry after working 14 hour days to come home and find my retired AH passed out on the couch and the house in shambles.
So tired of having to deal with it all. I had been trying to work the program but despairing because I was seeing no changes. All the while trusting in my HP to show me a little light in the midst of the storm.
Today at work it came to me. In my profession, I deal with sick people all day long. When they come in to the Pharmacy, many of them are in physical pain, mental anguish etc. I saw myself able to deal with all of them with compassion because of their illnesses. My technicians often say that I have the "Patience of Job"
I realized, that I wasn't seeing my AH as being sick with an illness called alcoholism at all. I was overjoyed at my revelation. At this point I came to realize that I should be dealing with him as though he were one of my patients.
It was right in front of me all along. I was just having so much trouble seeing Alcoholism as a disease. If he had had cancer, I would not have had any problem in accepting that as a disease.
Just had to share this with all of you!!
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Yes, it is a disease, Its not their fault they have a disease, but it is their responsibility to get sober. We must establish boundaries. I have the disease of Diabetis, I take responsiblity for my disease, I watch my diet, go to the Dr on a regular basis and do everything I can to keep it under control so I can live. Alcoholism is a disease of many dimensions. As the spouses of A;s, we have to accept that fact, whether we are with them or not. If we stay with the A, it should be our choice. As a member of AA told me recently, when I was picking on the A in front of him.(I didnt think I was doing that) You have the choice to leave him, but if you stay, stop the picking. That just blew me away and made me think about what I was doing and was doing in the past. I pray a lot and just recently , after 26 years he is sober for 21 days. Prayer is like dialogue with the Universe. Don;t give up hope. Keep coming back. Luv, Bettina
I'm sorry you have been struggling, and am happy for your revelation.
I do like what was said about responsibility and choice.
It is fine and good to see him as also being sick and needing compassion, and perhaps viewing him like a patient. That may work for you, I suppose, if you wanted to have a patient instead of a marriage. I guess that implies my "version" of what marriage is: where 2 people share responsibility, work, life and come together for the support of both and the pleasure of each other's company.
I would hesitate to label anything as what will be the "saving grace" or the "cure". I try to remember that it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to ask my partner to meet MY NEEDS. I need to INFORM her of MY NEEDS. I've learned I am not a good partner when my needs are not met. I've also learned that I cannot EXPECT my partner to know when I'm tired, angry, anxious, irritable or why I'm discontented. I have to communicate; openly, honestly... and compassion always helps that process.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I guess I have to agree with both Bettina and CJ, however I feel that over time I have come to know YOU more and I can see why what you have shared is such a revelation for you and how it would work for you.
I know that you are that kind, thoughtful, patient and caring person that would be overjoyed by such a revelation, as I am too. And yes I too would be right up there with you rejoicing at this metamorphis, for that is what I see it as.
You are in my daily prayers and I pray all the time that your needs are met in some way too for I know how hard it is to be self sufficient and have to met all your needs yourself.
So, that all said I totally agree with you too and will continue to hold you in my heart for you inspire me more than you would ever know from the words I have written above.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
It doesn't surprise me in the least that you've come to this conclusion. You have such love and compassion for your patients, your family and your MIP family. We are blessed by you being here.
I think I've always accepted the fact that it's a disease. My problem for a while was lacking the compassion for him. He has a treatable disease and he wasn't treating it! I hadn't gotten far enough into Alanon to really get this.
I think you can have compassion for his sickness and accept the fact that it his choice to treat it or not. It drives me crazy too. He can't do much around the house because of his feet when he's sober. When he really drinks he just passes out. So here we are the caretakers, the wives, the do it all persons and we have to come home from work and do what we need to do to take care of our families. It's a lot to juggle. Some days I just want to say "Calgon, take me away!" I guess in the moments of struggle we just have to take the time to be extra good to ourselves.
But then I look at his sober his days and enjoy every minute. Even on the days when I struggle, I have to stop and make my gratitude list (a mental or physical one), say the Serenity Prayer and realize I am on this journey for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but that's up to HP to tell me when the time is right.
Marriage is about compromise, compassion and communication. We have a rule that we never go out of the house without telling each other to "Be Careful". We never (unless it's been a really bad argument which is rare) go to bed without telling each "I love you". We have another rule that if we think that one is mad at other and we don't know it, we ask. If it's just that we are having a quiet day or it's not that an issue that we are ready to talk about it, we drop it. We use to be really good at pushing each other's buttons in the beginning. I think it's because we have had such a long history with each other. We've come a long way. We don't push each other about our recoveries. What he chooses to do about it is his choice. There's nothing I can do about it. If he wants to go back to meetings and wants me to come with him, I will. There will always be challenges in any relationship. I know you can meet yours head on. I intend to do the same.
Be extra good to yourself. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yes, it is a Disease! AH is your patient and partner. Hard to keep the therapeutic relationship going when we are so close to them huh?
I am sure we have a lots to remember when trying to alleviate this disease. Recognising that it is a "Disease" first and foremost, the boundaries, the responsibilities and so on. I am learning from all of you.
If anyone can share valuable experiences and think of any other items that we need to be aware of.
We are all on a continuous learning path. I am So willing to learn and overcome this disease with my AH.
Susun, I like your determination!!! Just keep coming back and read the literature and books, it is so helpful, share and listen and you cannot help but recover with this program. Remember Al-Anon is for you and you alone. Luv, Bettina
Thinking of my AHSober as sick, sick, sick really helped me this weekend. We are separated and decided to do something as a family. It never goes well especially for me. I read my "How Alanon Works" book before I met him. It said the same thing. Would you have those expectations of those who are sick, have cancer, the flu? No, so I went into it with that thought. The weekend went so much better. When he was in his disease I was not surprised. And I did not react but I took care of myself.
...and you brought it to family and got support. I hope you are also getting in to face to face meetings. Going home for me was reattaching to the alcoholic and the question would arise...so how strong is your program now. There is always a difference in our reaction when we are detached in anyway from the alcoholic. Those detachments are great and necessary and then...we choose to go home. It doesn't mean that we go home to clean up the mess cause we have choices still when we go home and for me that is really where the program kicks in. Reserve some detachment for those times when you are closer than you desire. Keep hooked up to your HP and pray for help. Your patients need help and so does their pharmacist.
Thanks for all of your input. I am taking it One Day At A Time.
When he is sober, he is great to be with, and we share wonderful times together which is why I have stayed with him. One week from today will be our 35th anniversary. I can truly say there have been far more good years than bad ones.
The decision for him to get treatment must be his. Yes I would agree that a sick person should get treatment, but this is not something that I can force him to do. He must come to his own recovery, as I have come to mine. He must find his own HP as I have found mine.
In the mean time, I have found comfort in knowing that this is a disease. I will continue to trust in my HP to show me how to deal with it.
Thank you all for caring.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I can relate to this a lot. At the same time, on the phone this weekend to a friend I said that I was really tired of being surrounded by dysfunctional people. Yes I certainly work with, work for, work around really ill people. At the same time these days I am working really hard on having people in my personal life who I can count on who are working on some kind of a recovery. The A who I was with, never was, not for one second, not ever. He blamed, blamed and then blamed me some more. That is one reason he will not get back in my life no matter what I deserve that small respite.
I can detach, be professional, be clear in many many areas of my life. Yet I do now claim the need to have people around me who can "hear" me, who don't try to manipulate or control me and who aren't out to get what they can out of me. I feel certain now, one year out the A was certainly very very sick, and I in turn became much much worse with my codependency. Detachment definitely helps, lowering one's expectations helps. Yet now I am really clear on my limits, there is only so much I can "take" in a personal relationship, after that I am better off alone. Getting to the point of being "willing" to be alone is another matter but I do have very very real limits on the amount of dysfunction I will tolerate in my personal space. I let that go for years with the A, reclaiming it is so crucial to my recovery.
I am glad you feel at peace. That is an incredible miracle given what you are going through.
after working 14 hour days to come home and find my retired AH passed out on the couch and the house in shambles.
In my profession, I deal with sick people all day long. When they come in to the Pharmacy, many of them are in physical pain, mental anguish etc. I saw myself able to deal with all of them with compassion because of their illnesses. My technicians often say that I have the "Patience of Job" 
I hadn't gotten far enough into Alanon to really get this. 
Some days I just want to say "Calgon, take me away!" I guess in the moments of struggle we just have to take the time to be extra good to ourselves. 