The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a bit of a bind. Here is my situation. I am going to visit my sweetheart in a few weeks. After he picks me up I can choose to do two things- go with him to a social event related to his job or I can go see my QiGong master and have a session with her/a class. I am struggling with trying to figure out which one to do. I am getting hung up on something and something about this whole thing is bugging me and I cannot for the life of me figure it out.
I suspect that part of the issue is that the social event would bring he and I "out" as a couple in a very public way and thru his job which is pretty high profile. I do not know if I am ready for that but on the other hand I know myself well enough to know that I totally crave that kind of public recognition, the "strokes", and being "seen" with a very attractive and handsome and powerful man. Friends will be there. I used to work there myself.
He has not asked me to accompany him. But its a public event and I have attended before, just not "with" him.
On the other hand I love my QiGong master and miss her terribly since leaving Honolulu. I am eager to spend any moment with her.
Which is best for ME? As I write this out, I can see its the time with my master, a spiritual person who is important to me. The other is about that guy and creating an illusion of something. What is your perspective and ESH on this? thanks a lot- J.
I relate. You bring up old lessons for me. It's always hard to know when I am in (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. It's all false evidence that after my old self processes appears real again like when I was fully intrenched in the disease that cunning powerful and baffling condition that kept me robbed of proper sense and spiritual balance. When I got to the point where I could stand upright by myself without anyone in the program sponsor or not, holding me up I was still leaning toward old thought processes and habits and old feelings about what I wanted to do and needed to do.
Is part of the problem that old enabling condition of doing for him rather than doing for you? Leaning toward giving up the opportunity of what is very important for you in favor of what is important for someone else? You are at that place and time I call "practice time"...practice and put away any fears and know that no matter how it turns out...real or imagined (imagined is real for enablers) you will be all right. You will be fine Jean. Here is where you pull out your lesson book and go back over the teachings and lessons that removed you from the problem, attached you to your HP and directed you away from that circular spiraling path.
Look at the real evidence...inventory the real evidence. Replace the fear with faith. Go with your spiritual need and you will always be in balance. You will always be fear-less.
I don't know if your HP cares about the social or your Qi-nong Master more. I do know that your spiritual balance and happiness are entrenched in your HP's will. I do know that when you are in balance and happy...that is when your HP can make best use of you without any resistence from you.
No I think I have the answer to my "where are you" question that I ask long ago. You're not here. Be here...in the present not the past.
For me the the question would be reduced to....... Feed the spirit or feed the ego?
One winters evening whilst gathered round a blazing camp fire, an old Sioux Indian chief told his grandson about the inner struggle that goes on inside people.
You see said the old man, this inner struggle is like two wolves fighting each other. One is evil, full of anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, deceit, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other one, he continued, poking the fire with a stick so that the fire crackled, sending the flames clawing at the night sky, is good, full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
For a few minutes his grandson pondered his grandfathers words and then asked, So which wolf wins, grandfather?
Well, said the wise old chief, his lined face breaking into a wry smile, The one you feed!
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I know for myself that I have an issue with bounderies. I tend to give more then I truely want to in order to please others... I do this with guys mostly and hate it! I have been basically single now for 4 years and have ralized I love watching what "I" want on TV...
One thing I have really noticed though is the last few years when I start dating someone and my needs become second again I get a crushing type feeling in my chest and feel angry, frustrurated and many other emotions.
For me the the question would be reduced to....... Feed the spirit or feed the ego?
Hi Jean:
"Feed the spirit or feed the ego" was my impression too as I read your post. But dang! That is being a bit judgmental on my part
What is your intention? That is what I'd ask myself if I were you. If you decide to go to the social function because you will enjoy it, then that isn't feeding the ego, but feeding the soul. If you are going primarily because the guy is high-profiled and handsome, well, that feeding the ego, which we all do to varied degrees.
Ah, to be so lucky to have such choices Enjoy whatever you choose!
Hi Jean, I tend to go with what Jerry said. Go with your spiritual need and your life will be in balance. Also as someone else had the idea of looking over the info you've received in the past from AA and coming to a conclusion from the work you've done and info and experience you've received, and then go with your gut feeling. I've learned to say no to a lot of "public" events where there was going to be partying going on esp w/ relatives. My AH is used to it at this point. If you truly want to go to the event.........go. It sounds to me like you'd rather spend time w/ your Qigong master ( or at least thats what I got), and personally, that would bring me to a place of calm and spiritual balance. If youre questioning whether you should go to the event, thats a sign that youre hesitant about going and need to do some thinking, soul searching, or look to your HP to have your answer come to you and be apparent. Good Luck !
WOW!!! great ESH! I am so lucky to have found this place. I am sticking with seeing my QiGong master. It is something that makes me feel so good in a real way as opposed to making me feel good in a fake way (the social event). It is funny how right on you guys are- you know me well, or I should say, you know the disease well!! Because YOU have it too!!! Its my greatest asset- others who have it, have been through some stuff and know it. Its the gem of this program. Thank you people, I could not work my recovery w/o you. Hugs, J.
Well, you guys are all so much more spiritual than I am. I would have just gone with "which one is a one-time happening right now event, and which can be done just as well tomorrow?" and gone to the party. My choice is always to find a way to do them both - hmmm, what does THAT say about me?
I certainly know what you mean! I battle the same indecisiveness and am right now dealing with the same struggle. Funny, but the issues I am battling are realy not life or death.
How did I get here? I haven't physically been to a meeting for a long time. I recently started my own business and I keep letting that get in the way. I seem to follow the same mantra that another individual posted--what has to be done today and what can be done later. Unfortunately, I know there are lots of meetings in my city and I kept putting off till tomorrow what I should have done today. Now, I can't make a decision about brushing my teeth without feeling a struggle!
When I can't decide if I should go to a meeting or not, I ask myself "When would my HP ever think going to a meeting is a bad idea?" When faced with a decision, when should connecting with my HP ever be the second choice? Never.
While we do not give advise, I always want to choose the activity that brings me closer to my HP. My Obsession (my wording for the "A") is not my "soulmate." I do not need an earthly soulmate; my soul's mate is the HP that lives within. Only sometimes I turn away.
My favorite quote from ODAT is on page 21, "Labor not as one who is wretched, . . . put yourself in motion and check yourself at all times." I use this quote before every AFG speaking engagement to remind me that I am on this earth to do HP's will and not by own.
This is the first time I have ever used an on-line meeting. Boy, has it been the right thing to do! I never thought an on-line meeting would be as beneficial as a physical meeting. Wrong again! Just seeing that others struggle thought this program as do I gives me some of the serenity that I have needed.
I once listened to a speaker who said "Flip a coin, HP is in control." No matter what our decisions, actions and/or inactions, once we turn our lives over to our HP, things will begin to straighten themselves out.
Right on, Pat- I really dug what you wrote, thank you for it. I think that is a great technique re: flipping the coin and letting the hand of HP make the decision. And I completely agree with you about my soulmate not being earthly. Not possible. My soulmate is my HP and once I really understood that and got into it, my life really changed drastically for the better. I did not need to place so much pressure on the relationships around me. I did not need to place so much focus on those around me. I place the focus on ME and HP when its us as soulmates. Works for me, really well. In a way, because of this, I take it to a higher realm which is one that is infinitely more balanced, sane and compassionate all around. Hugs, J.
Well, Jean, what a timely post. I gave myself Sunday night as the deadline to make my decision. To go to Hawaii in August or not. My son goes to school there. I was going to go last year but I had surgery. I was bummed. Well, my son wouldn't be able to travel with me and he doesn't want me to go. He is young and I sorta understand. I have a free ticket and I always think things put off don't happen. But it is my ego - yes, I can go with or without him. Or more spiritual - don't push it, respect his wishes. Oh, should I flip a coin HP?
" He has not asked me to accompany him. But its a public event and I have attended before, just not "with" him.
On the other hand I love my QiGong master and miss her terribly since leaving Honolulu. I am eager to spend any moment with her.
Which is best for ME? As I write this out, I can see its the time with my master, a spiritual person who is important to me. The other is about that guy and creating an illusion of something. What is your perspective and ESH on this? thanks a lot- J."
I have three questions for you:
He has not asked you to go - so which wolf would you be feeding and HONESTLY what would your motive be for going?
Why, if you are eager to spend any moment with your spiritual person and have already said, "I can see its the time with my master, a spiritual person who is important to me." are you even asking for our perspectives...it seems that you have already worked through your dilemma?
If you think that "the other is about....creating an illusion of something"...would it be wise to acknowledge that illusions are just that, illusions and do you not think that creating an illusion with this guy then is not honest and safe and in your interests or his?
Involvement with A's makes us good at creating illusions, illusions that life is good, illusions that we are a happy family, illusions that we are not battered or beaten or wronged or cheated on or living with someone who is not rational and who is driven by the need for drink over anything else in life.
As I see it, I wouldn't even go there and begin to create an illusion with this "sweetheart", LIVE THE TRUTH Jean, in this new relationship, and forget about "creating an illusion of something". I would simply wait until I was asked to attend with him and go public when it is mutually RIGHT FOR BOTH, not because it is a high profile event, with a high profile person.
You deserve more than illusions in your life now Jean, and in anycase you seem to have answered your own questions when you wrote those last three paragraphs.
Feel it in your heart and spirit, not just your head, the ego is easily stroked...after all you have your sweetheart whatever you decide to do and to find love after all you have been through, would in my opinion, be sufficient for my ego anytime. However my spirit is always in need of nourishment for the spirit is the centre of our being.
Take what you like and leave the rest and I hope you really listen to your inner being and not just your ego.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 04:39, 2008-07-07
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Yes, I have decided to see my master that evening and am feeling very comfortable with this choice. I have been turning things over to HP a lot lately, there is much going on for me. you all (this program) teaches me many techniques to work within a spiritual framework and to better manage the ego. Its not like the ego is going to go away. It just needs some better management via HP (in my opinion, for me, in my situation). Thank you for your words, Suzannah, you are wise. Hugs, J.
What a great post. What honesty. Gosh how I crave to be recognized as having a strong mate especially since I feel so down about having a disaster at a relationship. Craving for me are very hard to manage. I feel deprived 24/7 and that is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I know feeling deprived and abandoned has been a great source of acting out for me.
I am so glad you were able to sit with this and think about you. Gosh I always think about what will other people think. I never unless I am working a program put me in the program!
Enjoy whatever you choose! 
