The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in the program for a little over a year and I'm still having trouble letting go. I don't really understand how you can do it. I have tried reading the literature and for a very long time, I thought I had but every single time I'm around my mother in-law, I completely lose it and I don't know why.
My situation is; she is is married to an alcoholic and she refuses to get help because she isn't the one with the problem. Meanwhile, she covers up the real problems by buying a huge house, building a big guest house and pool, changing cars every 4 months. Right now they have 5 cars between her and her husband and they are not exactly rich. They just buy new things to take the focus off their dead relationship. I don't know why this bothers me so much. She is waiting for him to croak so she can have his life insurance policy and have a free life without all the bull he puts her through. She comes across very sweet, loving and like she has life all together. She says she is so strong and just continues to stay positive but I can see her life falling apart. She thinks no one knows.
When I don't have to see them, I'm fine. But if we get together I get extremely angry towards her. I'm angry she divorced my husbands father many years ago (who is a nice guy) and married this drunk for his money and put my husband through all of that. My husband was 8 years old when she married him. They divorced a couple years ago and got remarried. She complains about him but she stays. She thinks she is the best mom and did no wrong but she damaged my husband and continues to when she allows the alcoholic to put my husband down and she just giggles so she doesn't cause any problems.
How do I let go? Why does this get to me so much? It is causing a problem in my marriage because my husband knows I can't stand his mother and that hurts him. I tell him, I am trying to let it go. I go to Alanon to work on this issue and I can't seem to get it under control but I'm trying to. I'm trying to love her, I just hate her. I need to learn to let it go before I damage my own marriage but pulling back so much from his family.
Please provide me with your experience, strength and hope if you have any...
Perhaps Nicole, just perhaps... trying to love your mother-in-law is what is holding you back from letting go. You don't have to love her. You don't even have to LIKE her. Try to keep in mind that how she lives her life is not your business, and so since there is nothing you can do to change her lifestyle, you may want to see if you can replace your misplaced anger with concentrating on being happy in your own relationship with her son. Mother-in-law is a pathetic figure who needs your understanding, not your anger. You are a bright, savvy girl; I can tell that. You know the score; you know what's up with her and father-in-law. Since there is nothing you can or should do about their life situation, grab onto that great life with her son you have waiting in the wings... for all it's worth, and be happy!!!
I have no experience to offer you; I can't tell you how to let go, but I do send along hope and positive energy to help you on your journey. I think what you need to do is forgive her. Parents most often do the best they can under their particular circumstances.
I do wish you well. COme back often.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are in the right place! I like what Diva was saying that you do NOT have to love your MIL (not many people love their MIL's anyway...lol) and her life is NOT your business. Whatever she did or didn't do to your husband in his childhood is over. Done, and there is nothing you can do to change it. As for what she is doing today, well, you can make boundries. If her husbad is being verbally abusive you have every right to tell him you will not accept that type of behavior and then you have the right to remove yourself from that situation.
It sounds like you don't have anything to "let go" of. She's not yours to hold. Judgements and expectations will always bring us down. Put yourself in her shoes. And how do you know that there are not people, family members even, thinking the same negative thoughts about you and your husband? So, you don't like your MIL and that stinks but it's ok. Find your family where you can. If y'all happen to be closer to FIL then it's all good!
Thank you for the reply. I received a lot from you post and I think you are right in a sense. Trying to make myself love her is holding me back from letting go.
I do need to focus on the relationship with my husband. I know there are things there with him that need attention but I always detour and focus on her. I need to get the focus off her all the time and put the focus on him and I. That's hard to do for me. I always need something to obsess on. Is that typical of codependency? It's like I need to always be figuring out a solution to something, making progress in some way. Having to fix I guess. Does that need to fix and obsess ever go away after being in the program a while and working the steps or do you fix and obsess about different things once you get healthier?
Diva said it pretty plain and clear... why do you have to love her or like her? The program teaches us how to implement healthy boundaries, and if you learn how to use them, she should not impact you. On the flipside of that, why can't his mother choose how to live her life? Sure, she probably caused hurt and pain to your husband... but that is his to deal with, not yours. Your mother-in-law is probably doing the best she can with the tools and skills she has, and all you need to do is start practicing acceptance. It is not for us to control how other people behave. It is not for us to save people from their own path. That is part of a codependent personality. What I will say, is that if you keep coming back and honestly lay your feelings out on the table, you may find that her behavior will stop bothering you!!! and yes, it will be let go...
much love in recovery, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Might it also be that you have chosen your husbands side? We do get that enabling. My present wife often times takes the same defensive position and suits up with armor and sword against my exwife and her husband using my past negative incidences as her justifications. I tell her when she starts to "take sides" that "it's none of your business" "let it go" "you didn't have to go thru it and I've taken care of my part years ago" "Why are you going into fight in a battle that never included you." "There are and were some good things about her look to them."
Is it a loyalty issue with you even regarding the past you had not part in? Does hating her make your husband feel better, more content, more self confident? Does judging her make you the bigger woman in your husbands life? I know I hate questions too and I do like what I can do with the answers when it comes to solutions. Ask the questions and get honest and rid of the denial. That is how we really arrive at recovery of our peace of mind and serenity. Are you jealous and envious? So what is really driving your bus?
I'm not your sponsor and I've had some very good ones that use to get right into my face and then into my solutions. I am very grateful for them. AA calls it "rigorous" honesty and Al-Anon calls it "deep". Both ways demand work and both ways result in the same consequence peace of mind and soul...serenity.
My definition (only mine) of love is "the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other human being for exactly who they are" given to me for free by another member about 20 years ago. You can have it if it can help you other wise leave it. You get to take what you like for now and when I was new I didn't like the hard questions but I was curious about the answers and that curiosity lured me into recovery.
You don't have to feel bad for anything that never happened to you for anyone else.
(((((hugs)))))
PS you get to let go after practicing some more. One day it "just happens".
Welcome to the MIP family. What Diva and the others have said is pretty right on what I would say. There is no law saying that you have love your in-laws. Unfortunately your mother-in-law chooses not to seek any kind of recovery for herself. That's her choice.
It's like my sister. My brother-in-law has had some addiction issues. It doesn't matter if he's active now or not. It still bothers my sister. I can see it when I'm over there. I tried to force her to go to Alanon with me. When that didn't work, I tried the more subtle approach, and that didn't work either. I had hoped by showing her how the program has helped me that she might be interested. Well... I have given up. Like the addict, I can't control my sister's recovery, or lack of. It has to be her choice.
When I do go over to their house, my b-i-l usually hides upstairs or downstairs in the basement. He's really not a bad guy. But he is an addict. It just drives me crazy when the 2 of them get started. So I try to focus on my nieces. That's really why I am there, to see them. I have made it clear that if they start arguing, then I'm leaving. It gets the girls upset and I don't like seeing that. I am not the argumentative type. I try to say what I mean without being mean.
Your mother in law is who she is. Nothing you can do about it. I think you can find a way to be civil. Instead of looking on her with hate, you might try looking on her with empathy and sympathy. Would you want to be that sick? She's a sick woman who could use some support. You were smart enough to realize that you had issues and needed Alanon. Can you imagine what it would be like if you never found Alanon? So many people find their way here when there has been so much damage done to them over the years that it takes years of working a program to get healthy. Some unfortunate souls never find their way into recovery. How sad is that?
The other thing is, perhaps way back when your husband was little, she was doing the best she could with what she had to work with. You weren't there. I'm not saying that what your husband went through wasn't real. Of course it was. We all have a past in which the actions now seem illogical or bad. We question it. But we have to realize at that place and time we were doing the best we could with the tools we had (or lack of in my case). We don't know what went on in her past. Those could have easily influenced her actions with your husband's father. Try and cut her some slack. Why make things worse between you and your husband. Accept her for who she is, not what you think she should be.
Anger is to me, a wasted emotion in most cases. Why waste my time hating someone? I can take all that energy and put it into something more positive, me! Detaching is one of the most difficult skill to learn. The more you practice, the better you get. Melody Beattie wrote a book called The Language of Letting Go. You might look for it. It was very helpful to me. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks to everyone who has replied to my issue. It's been very helpful to read what you all have written.
I'm going to read some pages on acceptance in the One Day At A Time in Alanon book and in Courage To Change. I think that's the direction I need to go.
Jerry Mentioned Jealousy. As hard as that is to admit, I know for a fact there is some of that there. Why? I don't know. I can't figure that one out either. She turns to my husband for emotional support and since he is the oldest of two boys, she has always looked upon him as her husband. She emotionally seduces him, is always looking for his approval and has no boundries with him. Since I've come along, I have put boundries down with both of them and I think they have learned a few things.
In the beginning of our relationship, I felt like the third wheel when she came around. He was so loyal to her and she had him wrapped around her finger. She would tell him about her sex life, wear silk night gowns without a bra in front of him and manipulate him constantly. We went through some counseling together and he was taught that it wasn't okay that she do these things and he learned appropriate ways of setting boundries. It's been a couple years since that time and he is doing SO much better. But the fear for me still comes back. I don't want it to go there again. He got a little bit of help, he knows better now but she doesn't because she was never talk to about the issue. We just changed our behavior. So I fear that the sick puppy is still in there and I feel like she is always trying to come in between us. I feel like she seduces him when I'm around. I get very jealous (which is sick to hear me say) of her, almost like she is another women in love my husband trying to seduce him.
All the posts have had wonderful content! I'm in complete agreement with them all.
How to let go is tough, I know. How do you do it? That I can't answer. However, I know it can be done. In addition, I know that you have to get honest with your feelings, and it appears that you are honest. Awareness has to take place before change. So, you are off to a good start.
Your mother-in-law, in some ways, puts me in mind of my own mother. It took me many years to realize that it was perfectly okay to "not" like her. I tortured myself for years by trying to change her and thinking that I was terribly corrupted because of my dislike for her. Actually, I do love her, but I dislike her ways very much. I realize now that she is a very troubled woman, with many issues that she ignores.
There was a period of time when I felt I was damaged goods because of my upbringing. I thought I could never recover and lead the life that I hoped for. However, through private counseling and reading self-help books, I learned differently. (BYW, the AA program's philosphy is very similar.)
My mother has never changed. She still "bites." But I have learned that I don't die from a snake's bite, but only die if I allow the snake's poison to penatrate my belief system.
I have accepted my mother; that doesn't mean I like her, nor does it mean that I approve of the way she chooses to navigate her life.
Regarding my upbringing, I realize that she did the best she knew how. Now it is my job to "mother" myself. I had to unlearn what she taught me. For a long while, I felt very lost; it was so scary. But I'm glad I didn't let fear govern my life. I took baby steps all the way.
I now limit my exposure to my mother. It is a reality that still hurts to some degree. However, it is what I must do to be a postive, productive person. It is her job to run her life. Not mine.
When we point a finger at others there are 3 fingers pointing back at ourselves. That is always the key and where the answers lie, within. Just as an alcoholic does't drink "at" you, neither does your MIL live "at" you.
No, we don't "have" to love other people. in the sense of love that is talked about here. I choose to love all people with the knowledge that we are all one on the same journey. Their journey may not coincide with mine but I choose to accept theirs without judgement. Judgement and condemnation are not my job, nor do I have the power to change the path their HP has put before them.
It's all much greater then I am.
Choose peace, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I had really severe issues with my exA's mother. I tried to set boundaries and did so clumsily. After being in the program for a while, she actually came to stay and I could be civil to her. Of course I still slip slided all over the place.
Identifying our triggers is so huge in recovery. There appears to be much about what this woman does that triggers stuff in you. Labeling what they are is so key. My ex A's mother was really self absorbed. That reminded me tremendously of my elder sister who I have issues with. Her sense of entitlement was really huge (she once put me and the ex out of our bed's to sleep there when he offered) the funny thing was our dog didn't join in the dysfunction she calmly went in and slept with the ex a's mother, nothing puts her out of her bed! I found humor there.
I know it may sound very strange to find humor in others dysfunction because it is so tragic but it is one way to learn to breathe and not be in the over react cycle. Now when I'm going into over react (and believe me I'm there daily with or without an A) I can slow it down and identify what is triggering me.
Having people in the program to call helps. Writing it down helps, writing or seeing a sponsor helps.
This is not hopeless it is workable. These are great great skills to have!
Thank you for sharing. Over reaction is a fact of life for me. I work on it but I don't expect it to just disappear over night. Put down the stick, relax you are in recovery, you are working a program you will get better over time.
I had such issues with the ex A's mother. Eventually over time I did learn to be cordial but it was such hard going. Believe me you are not alone. I also empathized with his issues with her when really I needed to set a boundary. I saw all his problems originating from her when believe me he had his own hand in them. I'd listen for hours to his problems with her than get furious he continued to do the same stuff over and over again. I wanted him fixed for me. Of course he was far from ever fixed!
My early attempts at boundaries were really not met with any approval from her. Seldom do we get to have boundaries with dignity in the beginning. Many of us have really a hard time with them. The issue is you are "willing" to expect perfection overnight is to set yourself up. I'm willing these days to be a beginner rather than an expert first time.
I find turning things over helped. I am not in charge! How much I would like to be. I have such a hard time living in this imperfect world. Why isn't it all about me!
One really core issue for me too was the fantasy I had a real wish and need for this family would be what my own biological family wasn't. I had really work on putting my fantasies out there to be seen rather than hidden and acted out from. Rescuing was and is a real hard core issue for me. I wanted to be rescued and got some secondary gain out of rescuing. For me it was compulsive. I felt like I could rescue the exA from his mother and transform him (talk about misguided).
I do not even like the exA's mother to this day I can understand her some but I certainly don't like her. I have to also say its a huge relief not to have to deal with her anymore. At the same time I know full well the A is responsible for his issues and his problems today. She isn't. I might want to make her be but she isn't. As you can tell there is still a lot in there for me between the ex A's mother and me. I wanted her to love me, care for me, respect me, she did none of those. I was devastated she didn't but that is her loss now.
I know for a fact she didn't value any of his relationships so its nothing to be suprized about.
Please stop beating yourself up!
We all have issues. We just get to work on them in al anon.
None of us are by any means perfect which what I love so much!
