The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Preface: I am not asking for responses to this post. I just need to get it out of my soul and the only way I can do that is to write. So thanks for reading it...or not. Sorry in advance for giving into depression today.
Why is it that weekends and holidays are so hard? I know why for me. I have no one to share weekends or holidays with. My husband has been sick for months. He sits in his recliner and the minutes his butt hits the seat he is asleep. He needs to sleep since he is up every hour on the hour urinating with his illness. Probably the result of a botched surgical procedure done by an arrogant urologist last fall. Probably have grounds for a law suit, but no energy to pursue it. I just know that I have been robbed of all the companionship I used to share with him.
Why is it that weekends and holidays are so hard? I am sick also. Tuesday is a day of reckoning for me with a thoracic surgeon. My cancer cells have travelled to lower lobe. Internet research says I could have two years, five years, or maybe a cure. Not such reassuring information at age 66 when I was completely healthy 18 months ago, except for arthritis. Now this. I am not ready to die because I still have unfinished business. A toddler grandbaby that I want to see grow up. A alcoholic son whom I want to see sober. An 88 year old Dad who still needs me. A sick spouse who also needs me, but for whom I have nothing left to offer.
Why is it that weekends and holidays are so hard? I have no circle of friends anywhere, except maybe four with whom I e-mail. They aren't here where I live. I have an EX-DIL who has betrayed me, but who uses me for her own convenience. Don't dare try to talk to her about MY life.....in her opinion, I, my spouse, and especially my son have NO right to happiness because she suffered while part of our family. She suffered I guess.....nothing I can do since I didn't cause it except to give birth to the man she committed to and made a baby with. Well, I also raised him and perhaps she thinks I did it wrong??? Anyway, I miss her today and I miss my son today. While other families are having picnics and swim parties and going to fireworks or ball games, my husband and I sit here lonely and suddenly knowing we are alone because our children have split.
So yes, I am in the throes of a pity party this morning. I went for a swim in my nice warm pool. I put on make-up and got dressed half way decently. I have made a gratitude list mentally. I sunned myself and meditated. Maybe eventually something will click in. All I know is this: Alcohol is a demon. Alcohol has ruined my family. Alcohol destroys and kills the spirit. I pray that today, a big holiday in our country, that people will think twice before popping another beer or swigging another cocktail. Won't happen in many many cases and tomorrow there will be regrets and problems for some. I was raised in a teetotler environment. Alcohol was taboo. It was against the religion in which I was raised. Did I bring all my current woes on myself this many years later in life by straying from that raising? I often wonder that and often feel it to be true.
Have a safe and peaceful Independence Day wherever you may be.
((((((((((((((((Joyoma))))))))))))))) from me too. You are in my thoughts today.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Joy, every day of life is precious. You are a fellow human and I am bonded to you because we both exist. Never give up hope. Prayer is not of the realm of logic or intellect. It transcends these. Prayer is an act in which we give expression to the pressing and powerful wishes in the depths of our being and yearn for their fulfillment. Pray to your HP, every day have that dialogue with the Universe, your prayers will never fail to be answered. Luv, Bettina
First of all.......you are not alone...you are with us today, and anyday that you want to be with us. Sounds like you have it very tough but youre pulling yourself up by getting yourself ready for the day...going for a swim, putting your makeup on etc. Thats great Youre thinking of yourself and your needs. Meditation is a great thing too. It is very relaxing but powerful as you probably already know. As for the cancer....I've been down that road twice so I know the fear you are experiencing ( i'm 42) Its scary in itself and esp w/ all of the other crap going on in your life. Dont feel like youre alone b/c youre not. I also know a great cancer online website / digest where the members are just like the members here. If you want the info, just let me know. Thanks for sharing with us
The pity party I attended (created!) yesterday passed finally. I just got myself busy and went on with little things...reading a good book, crossword puzzles, prepping a meal. My grandbaby talked to me on the phone with 'HAPPY 4TH OF JULY"...his mom was teaching him about the day and what it means. So I made it through to evening. Ended the day with HBO and the special by the late and great comedian, George Carlin. Some may be offended by his genius; I personally love that he tells it so straight with such creativity. It was perhaps his last televised performance at age 70. It made my day as the neighborhood fireworks boomed outside and I kept the housepet calm. My son called as usual and was sober and calm at that point in the afternoon, so that was good. Today is another day and another opportunity for peace and calm. I continue to work on it. Thankfully, I had this place to vent and that helped. I wish all of you well this Saturday morning and that great and happy things will come your way.
Holidays are very very difficult for me. I tend to go into a pity party then and get into resentment. You are not alone. I don't even try to plan for a holiday anymore because all I know is people pleasing and being a hero. I don't knwo what a healthy holiday would look like. I think its phenomenal that you can be grateful for what you did get.
I actively count out the holidays in a year, don't know that is so great either. I've had holidays that were not plain miserable and done better but I really struggle with them. They are a huge trigger for me.
I appreciate your honesty and candor. I know that is so essential for my recovery.
Youre thinking of yourself and your needs. Meditation is a great thing too. It is very relaxing but powerful as you probably already know. As for the cancer....I've been down that road twice so I know the fear you are experiencing ( i'm 42) Its scary in itself and esp w/ all of the other crap going on in your life.