My last 6/7 4th of July holidays have all been spent trying to control an A who was out of control. Last year on 4th July I spent all my money trying to get the A off the street.  Like always in my codependency I felt the effort would be appreciated (it never was but hope was something I held onto rigidly for a long time) I also had some wierd idea that the bigger the effort the more likely he would be to pull through.  I was mistaken of course and had no means to reflect on my obsession or the choices available to me (the only choice I felt was to help him as I felt totally responsible for him and his issues - how well he could pass that off onto me!). , 2 months later he was off again, by that time he'd destroyed everything, trucks, cars, belongings, his health and pretty much every relationship he had.  Last 4th of July I really believed I had hope he was going to stop destroying himself. I was disappointed and compelled to try one more time in the hundreds of times I'd tried and tried and tried.  I was desperate to salvage something and did not consider myself in the process.
I poured it all out here on this board and in doing that got some sense I was out there in my thinking and my outlook and my priorities.

Since then I feel like I've been moving through molasses. I have my dogs and I have my sanity but that's about it. I am desperately poor and sometimes holding on by my fingertips. I've endured health crisises, really very difficult work situations (I have now worked for two alcoholic women what do I haver an alcohol magnet? ) and just somedays wonder how I can get up and go the route again.  I've lost myself several times along the way nevertheless I'm really clear that I have a program. I'm not sure I had that before I'd throw a program away in a second because I was so so so compulsive about saving the A. 

These days if I meet someone who is needy, desperate and in denial, I'll entertain taking care of them for an hour and then let it go. I don't punish them either which is new, I live and let live but my being able to let live doesn't include me giving away ever cent I have anymore.  I know front and central that I have to take care of me, might not know how to do it but I know it. 

This last run in with the A is the last time I entertain homelessness for someone else or even with someone else.  Part of his insanity was that he felt I'd let him down by not being willing to be homeless with him while he explored his dream!  Of course in his view, I had no dreams, certainly not of having a roof over my head!  

Of course I am left with an unholy mess to deal with.  I would have been left with worse if we'd be married so I am grateful for that.  The ashes of the relationship are ruined credit, no belongings, two dogs and a cat who I feel responsible for and isolation, there's more but none of it is exactly pretty.  For a long time around the A I lost all my confidence in my ability to make a living. I couldn't interview let alone take a job and the only jobs I could get were minimum wage. I'd lost my ability to make a life at all and was paralyzed wiht guilt, shame, rage and pain. The abilty to work has come back but somedays I barely have the energy to go to work and make it home and collapse.  I'm grateful to be able to work but I'd like a life and I don't have it yet.  I know that and I'm willing to fashion something together while I work the steps diligently.   I have a sponsor which says something about my ability to commit to this program because I didn't last long with a sponsor before.  I did stuff to sabatage those kinds of relationships while holding onto the A drowning himself in alcohol like he was my life raft!

I have a counselor which I'm grateful for, a doctor who can help when and if I get medical insurance or at least the money to pay for prescriptions or the means to get them some other way (without standing on my head - I've explored the options).  I'm grateful I have a vision and I'm grateful I'm not still trying to stop him from destroying himself. I turned him over but it was not before I lost everything including my health and my home.

My dogs lives were incredibly damaged by his actions. I am not sure how they survived last summer in the heat living in a car, at many points he abandoned them and left the starving and without food or water.  I can't counternance it but he got to that point.  I make a huge effort to not know what point he is at now.  I know he is still alive because he regularly calls and demands something but I no longer answer.  I make a point of not calling his family, crossing the path of his friends or wondering how he is.  I turned him over that is all I can do.  That feat alone is huge for me because I worried myself into a frenzy over his insanity and I am no longer willing to go there.  I simply can't.

I'm not sure what this holiday will bring for me.  I know one thing I am focused excusively on me and my pets that's about it.  I will try to make the meager, awful living space I have habitable and work on the future, one I was robbed of for so long.  That will be enough, that is more than I had last year when I put all my energy into trying to save him from his self destruction.

I hope you all have peaceful, loving wise, serene holidays.  I'm looking forward to those. I can claim a holiday for myself now not just give it up for some person who never valued me or their relatives or the A's friends or people pleasing (gosh how second nature people pleasing is for me!).  I can claim it for me.  Whatever I'm doing (and right now its not much since I am broke as always) I will be thinking of this family and wishing you all well and looking forward to talking to you again.  I'll be so interested to hear how your holidays went even if it isn't a holiday where you are.

Maresie.

Maresie.