The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son started skipping school, disrespecting house rules, bringing strangers into my home and I eventually said enough. He went to stay with his step dad where he had free rein. He went to a party and was assualted. Flown to Harbeview Hospital and had open brain surgery. We did not know if he would live. Then we did not know if he would be in diapers. He came out of it 85% okay but at 2 months over dosed and was again hospialized. He began abusing drugs so I again kicked him out. After his second time in the hospital I screamed on the phone for a week to get him into treatment. He was not letting his brain heal.... I got him into treatment but he did not finish it. I believe he tried but has severe fatigue from the brain injury. They could not get him up. He came home. Within a month he was again disrestecting house rules, staying out all night. He says he stayed clean...? I again kicked him out though. It was agreed that he would go to a clean and sober house. Oxford House. He was excited and did well the first month but does not ingage in AA or NA unless someone takes him. He does hang with friends a lot. This last weekend he did not return home for 3 days. The UA'd him and it was dirty for crack cocain so he was given 20 minutes to leave. He is again homeless.
I have screamed, cried every day for over a year... This morning I woke up crying. I do not know if he has over dosed, is sleeping in the rain, ior even what he is thinking. I have lost all wright or wrong thinking bonderies because of his head injury but I tell myself, he found the friends to do drugs with, he can find help at an AA.... It seems that with this child every worse nightmare has come true. I pray all day but I am still not able to stop crying. I want to call him so bad but I think if I do then I am going to either push him further away or he just tried to gewt me to enable him more.
I would appriciate any thoughts, words of wisdom or strength, and any prayers. Thanks.
Oh my (((((((((gayle)))))) I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I have no direct suggestions just wanted to send you a hug and say keep comming back. You will find strength and support and answers here. Have you gone to a face to face meeting?
You know a neighbor of mine had a similar story. Her son was out abusing drugs, got run over, brain surgery the works. He did very similar stuff.She went to the end of the earth for him on many levels. His father kicked him out, she took him in. They were practically homeless (which is where I met her). The good news is that he got arrested and went to rehab. That is the long and the short of it. His drug use eventually caused a bottom. I don't have contact with her so I can't tell you about her recovery or whether she went to al anon. There is a bottom for some people. Of course sobriety or not taking drugs is not a guarantee that someone is going to get better but generally they have the space to look at themselves.
I have a 30 year old daughter who is an active addict/alcoholic.
She has been in jail several times. The first time was 9 months for meth-related felony charges as the cops got her leaving a meth lab with dozens of empty Sudafed boxes in her car, meth, and cocaine.
I thought that would be her bottom. It wasn't.
She lost custody of her two children when she overdosed in front of them and was rushed to the hospital unresponsive.
I thought that would be her bottom. It wasn't.
She went to rehab when a warrant was issued for a dirty UA, but was kicked out in a week's time because she thought it was a bed and breakfast and she didn't need to get out of bed and participate like the others.
She lives from place to place to place. She's never homeless for more than 24 hours.
She hasn't worked a job in over 10 years now.
She has bronchitis and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot and cigarettes on a daily basis.
The last time she was in jail (for credit card theft/forgery), I debated on whether to go see her or not.
I finally did.
The entire 30 minutes she sat on the other side of the glass smirking at me. Jail's a piece of cake for her-3 hots and a cot. She doesn't have a problem.
I left there with a sense of closure, knowing that I had done everything I could, and completely placed her in God's hands.
I sleep well at night because I know that God has a plan for her, and I have faith in that plan. It may, or may not involve recovery.
I will not interfere with that plan.
I can still love her, but I don't have to approve of her choices, nor do I enable her.
Once in a blue moon, she calls me. It's never much of a conversation as I really don't have anything to say.
She knows about recovery because I am coming up on 18 years of sobriety in August. She knows I will be there for her should she ever choose to change her life.
Till then, she is no longer welcome in my home, and I focus on my life and my recovery.
I pray that you can get to the place where you can completely trust God's plans for your son.
It is possible to have peace of mind and serenity even with a child in active addiction.
Sending you warm and understanding hugs from Kansas.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It is a nightmare isn't it? My son and daughter both are addicts. I remember many mornings waking and crying, followed by the thought "This is killing me" It is so far from the thoughts and plans we had when we brought our babies home from the hospital.
All I can say now is thank goodness for alanon. It taught me how to let the kids take responsibility for themselves and, how to take care of me. One day at a time. It also gave me a group of friends who understand, like only someone can who has been through this.
I understand now that those thoughts and plans I had when I brought the kids home from the hospital where mine. Now they are old enough to make their own, as any adult is entitled to.
Mom, I hope you keep coming back here and posting, hit the chatroom and most of all get to a face to face meeting. I can not express here in words what doing those things have done for my life. My life, the only one in this world that I have control of. Thank goodness I am learning how to make that the best it can be, not only for me but for my children too.
gayle you are in the right place I am so glad you are here. I hope you find some meetings in your area because you will find real people who will help you feel like a real person and get a grip on your life. You will see that al anon works and your life can be your own again. I am really glad you've come and asked for help. keep coming back.
As you can see, you are not alone. Many of us here on this site know what you are going through and how hard it is.
We are glad you are here. Keep coming here. Keep posting. Keep reading. Get yourself to face to face meetings in your community if you can. Take very deep breaths and know that you must put yourself first.
Prayers for you and your son and your family. We understand.
welcome to Miracles in Progress! what you are going through sounds tremendously stressful and heart-breaking. i want you to know that the more you use this website and the al-anon program, the more you will feel "not alone". we are a family, and love each other in a special way.... the way only understood by living with other loved ones suffering from addiction.
i encourage you to keep writing your feelings down and sharing them with this family or an al-anon family group in your area. it is too much to handle by oneself... i had to learn that lesson the hard way.
i've found that i'm only in control of my feelings and thoughts. the rest is out of my control -- and worrying about that is insane.
what has worked for me in the short term has been consciously taking care of my needs and treating myself with gentleness and care.
with love and hope, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
((((((((((((((((gayle)))))))))))))))) My son is out there too. He might be with his Xwife, or maybe not. They kill each other. He doesn't have minutes on his cell, but he can text. He text me today askiing if I can receive text. I didn't answer and turned off my cell. It's so hard, but the only thing I can offer is the phone number of a rehab and an offer to drive him there. I am trying so hard to not save him, because there is no such thing. It can only come from him. Keep coming here. It helps a lot. Read old posts . You are not alone. Laura
I want to thank everyone for responding to my post. Throughout the day I have been reading them and they have helped! This morning I made Waffles for my younger son. How nice to focus on today and enjoy a moment.
Another aspect of my craziness the past year has been that knowing that I should not enable I have recruited my oldest son to do it for me. I know I have caused him so much stress asked my oldest to do this. I have been reading a book and doing a lot of praying throughout the day. I took a nap and again woke up crying but emmediatly came back to the board for support instead of calling my oldest son. Thank you so much...!!
I am so sorry for the pain you are in, I can relate to your story. I was married for 21 yrs, my husband was an A most of those years, two yrs ago I threw him out of the house due to his addiction to crack cocaine, trust me when I tell you I did everything in my power to save him, I pleaded, begged, screamed, put him in a phsyc ward, rehab everything. My heart was broke, and I was at my wits end.
Then I realized something, there was not one thing I could do for him, you see his addiction was just that his.. I could only help myself by changing my thinking, thru alanon I learned that I had to save myself and my sanity. This was not easy by any means however, it is possible.
My husband did eventually go to rehab on his own for the 10th time, however after that he became homeless also got thrown out of a few halfway houses and eventually the saddest fact of all he passed away last July from all of the abuse to his body.
I had a very hard time dealing with all of this, the guilt of throwing him out of him being homeless before he died, you see my husband worked in t he coal mine for 20 yrs, I had him removed from a resporator one day before his 50th b-day. What I am trying to tell you is this truth. Some people beat this disease and some people just can't. You can only save your very own sanity my friend.
His sobriety is up to him, he must save himself, he must make the choice of sobriety, he can only do this thru NA, I honestly beleive that thru NA and God all things are possible.
I will be praying for you, please give yourself a break, I will also be praying for him, I will pray that he will realize that living clean is actually living. Please try and remember that he is the addict, and he can only make the choices to save himself. Addiction knows no boundries, it happens to people from all walks of life. I understand about the brain surgery and everything however, he may be using this for an excuse to use. He must reach out for help on his own and get a program of his own. You my dear friend must do the same. You must get into alanon or naranon and get your own program. You see I know he is your son, I have a son, I know a mother's love for her son. He must help himself then only then after he takes those steps in recovery can you be there to support him and help him, loving him you will do no matter what and I know your heart breaks every day. I am praying for you.
Here you will find the help you need, please keep coming back.....
I send positive thought and energy and prayers your way. You have found the place to be. No one knows how another feels, but we have all known the feelings of desperation, sadness, hopelessness, and despair. We're with you Gayle, and will be each step of your way to peace.
Best wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Gayle-My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. It is sooo hard as Mothers, watching our kids go thru this. It is hard to Let Go and Let God, but that is what we MUST do. Keep coming back!
Someday and I hope it comes for him; he will learn to love himself as much or more than you now love him and he will seek to live as much as you want him to and he will work as hard for it as you have worked to help him. When that day comes there will be another "lost cause" that will be there to help save another addicts life. That is what I pray for and keep coming back for...to experience the miracles of recovery.
This is the place to bring your tears and sadness and reeling thoughts. This is the best place for them...you can add them to ours and then add your miracles to ours. This is where we have come after traveling similar roads like yours. This is where we got our lives back and the principles to live it by. You are certainly qualified to be here. We will tell you what we did in order to find peace of mind and soul and what we learned in order to do that.
My story about my alcoholic/addicted son doesn't seem like much to me anymore as I read yours. He's clean and sober now and more normal than before without needing a drink or toke or hit or whatever to feel that way. He's married and the father of 3 the oldest now 20 and away from home. That grandson was told at the age of 16 that if he ever found himself in the grips of drugs and alcohol that he was to call his recoverying father and grandfather and he will be put in touch with many who will help him break free if he wanted that and if he didn't then...? His mother was born and raised in the disease also...we are all hooked up to addiction and some of us fortunate and blessed to be fully hooked up to the spiritual 12 step 12 traditon programs of AA and Al-Anon.
I hope the next time you rise from sleep it will be without tears in your eyes and a broken tired heart. I would like to hear that that has happened for you. It was important for me and an early freedom in recovery.
Glad you are here.Been where you are except my sons illness is being bi polar.
I sent mine off to survival back packing school. Catherine Freer. It is probably online. My sons friends mom sent his friend too.
It changed my sons life. He was a mess.
your son is your child. I was not going to give up. It is no wonder the brain surgery has changed him. I don't believe anyone can have their head opened and be the same.
If I were you I would seriously look into this. This group has a great reputation. they learn the difference between needs and wants, respect, self care,morals, and more. They only get needs.
It would keep him safe for six weeks or more, he would get clean and be with professional counselors. If an emergency arises the counselors can contact for help anytime.
My son had a solo for a few days where they leave the kids alone and they cannot see anyone and don't know where they are. They have a "note drop"area to keep contact. there is really someone very close to them.
mac is proud to tell people about his experience and has it on his resume.He goes for his dreams now.
Once your son gets clean, there is family counsiling. you can find out what his passion is and do whatever you can to support it.My sons things was dirt bikes. here I was a widow, going to college and working full time as a tutor for the school district...but he had his motorcycles.
He fishes, hunts hikes, back packs scuba dives,loves to read. He is a leadman for a remodel contractor.
It can happen. Suggestions from my experience. NOT telling you what to do.
Now for you. Keep coming here. Find a face to face alanon in your area, face to face is so helpful. Also call social services in your area, find a parents group to share together.
I worked with many many kids at risk. they have this special energy.Sadly since they are not preppies they are looked down upon.
In our classroom we taught them chess, took them skiing, all kinds of things.they were taught manners they were never to be rude to anyone else.NO saying the word try.
What you can do is ignore what they say,watch what they do.
positive reinforcement. Do what you can,take a breath and hand it to your hp.It is so much harder when it is our kids.
Number one is keeping yourself well.Sometimes all I could do was love him.
I found out he wanted boundaries and set rules.
they need tough love. I was ready to handcuff him to me. seriously.
I was very scared and confused. mine was running away having the time of his life.
Sometimes we have to go thru the motions of life. Take care of ourselves. Remember there is still beauty to look at. Keep a journal.
When you see him next,maybe ask him what he would like to do.What is his dream? He may surprise you. Not focus on his bad behavior and choices. Just talk.
My sons friend was in his late twenties when I saw him on a little stingray bike. different friend than above. i said Jesse what are you doing on that baby bike???
He was out delivering dope. I told him I loved him, had almost raised him since he was twelve. Kept telling him how he has so much to go for. His mom is a psychotic strange one btw. Anyway I would ask my son about Jesse but he would just throw up his hands.
So I was glad to see jess. He is a big boy, Hawaiian decent descent? Has four kids I think. sigh He promised me he was ready to stop. I said I will do anything for you. get you out of here whatever.this big boy/man cried in my arms
I did not hear from him, next thing I heard he had gone back to Colorado to his dads, was clean for awhile and working and supporting his beautiful girls. His daughter was named Mackenzie after my son.Found out later too, the first mom I told you about? she had talked to him too and he cried also.
They need us to be strong. when they are young they need boundaries sooo badly. They have all this freedom, yet hormones are driving them crazy, they have NO idea who they are or what they want.
I feel it is up to us to help them to experience things to find out. i sent my son on a fishing boat on the ocean when he was twelve. At late twenties he started scuba diving making very good money doing what he loves. I apologise for making this so long. Your post touched me.There is a horse ranch here in oregon for boys like him. I always tell the parents to send them here, i will give them a horse they are totally responsible for.
I love teens so much. Most people are afraid of them.
anyway keep coming back. You can pm the members here also if you want one on one sharing and or support.
I hope and pray my grandson does not start up on this stuff.... I might need to hear what worked for you.
This is hard for you and you are in my prayers. My two brothers are a's, ex, boyfriend and mother deceased was, father and stepmother too, it is never ending. I went to the end of the earth for mother, and two brothers, one of the latter took everything I could give and more, at the moment ex-A is stopping with me and all I can say is I have had to learn to detach and I hope you can too, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it, wishing you the best,
Gayle, I so feel your pain and I would love to be able to take it away for you but we both know that can't be done. I have a nearly 40 yo son who is an addict/alcoholic and throw in just about any other mind altering substance that is out there and he has injested it, shot it up whatever. Just makes me sick sometimes to think what he has done to his body.
One thing I can share with you is something he told me once when he was actually clean and sober. That was that his one wish for me was that I would live long enough to tell 20,000 mom's that the best thing they can do for their child who is addicted to anything is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He said he had heard in so many people share in meetings that they got nowhere until their parents stopped completely.
It's very had to stop taking care of them but we have to give them the dignity of growing up and accepting the consequences of their actions. I let go as much as I can and sometimes I fall back into the "let me fix it for you" mode but I climb back out faster these days than I used to.
As for reaching his bottom, heck, so much has happened to him that each time I thought he had reached his bottom only for something more horrific to happen the next time. Now I just say he has a bunjee cord attached to his back side and hits bottom, bounces back up and back down and hits another one. Sometimes we have to try to find a little bit of humor somewhere otherwise we will drive ourselves dingy.
(((HUGS)))
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you so much Mobirdie, your response came at perfect timing... My son decided to go back to our home town. Hard to explain but it is a reservation with lots of alcohol and drug abuse. I watched his dad kill himself there and my family suffer from addiction. Some communities just do not have anything good to offer... so for me this has been devistating. I know I need to let go but it is SOOOO hard at times. Calling him 50 times a day does not seem to work though either... Thank you for sharing and helping me keep it straight in my mind. I know that he has too many claw marks already. Tell your son I said thanks too...
