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I am pretty new to Al-Anon and have been going for about 2 months now. My bf was going to have his 90 pin tomorrow, but he relapsed last night. He recently finished a program (his work held his job for him while he was completeing) and has been going to AA 2x week. Well, I came home last night and told him I received a great raise and how good this would be for us. So I went shopping to by myself a new outfit for our July 4th date. I wanted to look nice for him. When I came home he said he wanted to go fishing (sometimes fishing means fishing and sometimes it means "fishing") I had a funny feeling that this was that "fishing" time. He did not call me, which he usually does when he catches something, which I new was not good. Then he called me late that night and said he was not doing good. Said he doesn't mind that I will be making more than him, but he feels like he is not supporting his family, etc, etc. I told him getting better IS doing something for his family..the best thing he could do! I did very well when he finally came home, compared to how I used to be thanks to Al-Anon. I did not cry, lecture or anything. Just listened. The only thing I brought up is that I think he needs to continue AA even when he starts back to work. I asked him also if he brought any of the drinks back to the house. He said no - which I believed, but told him that if he did, he needs to get ride of it because I will no longer have that stuff in my house anymore. He gave me a look like "wow..did she just say that". And I said it with a very calm "just letting you know this is the way it is now" kind of attitude. But I am unsure what I should say to him today. He will call me in a little while at work and probably say sorry for last night, but I don't know what to say??? Should I say anything or act like it didn't happen?
Silence is consent. I would not go at him in an attacking mood, but I surely would not act like it didn't happen.
I am sorry this has happened mslouise. It is the merry-go-round we all live our lives on, and it can drive us crazy. You certainly need the support AlAnon now, so attend your neetings and keep your cool. But....you set a boundary by telling him you would no longer tolerate alcohol in your home. What would be the consequences of him bringing it in? Have you discussed with him what price he would pay by breaking your rule? You must have a consequence, and you must be prepared to live up to it; otherwise a boundary means NADA!!!
Good luck to you. I wish you well,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You certainly handled that ALOT better than I did when AH first relapsed. Heck, you handled it ALOT better than I did for a long time. I am so sorry he relapsed. You can be loving and supportive of him by working your program. Speak from the heart. Remember he has this terrible disease. I'm guessing that he's beating himself up pretty good right about now. The beauty of recovery is that you can restart it any time you want. So can he. Remember what Diva said about boundaries. She's a wise woman. I hope and pray that he finds his way back to his recovery. Continued success on yours. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I dont know detachment is about acting like it didn't happen. I think for me personally (this is my ESH) detachment is about taking myself seriously. I know how easy it is for all my focus to be on the alcoholic. How are you doing in al anon. What is coming up for you? We can get so easily lost in the A and their shenanigans.
As well as being a people pleaser I am the queen of over reactions. I over react then have to regroup. This is one way of actually not dealing with things, over react then feel ashamed then be paralyzed.
For me personally there are a lot of limits these days, in early recovery there were not. I still struggle tremendously with limits. I know personally very very well that being around people who use drugs there are tremendous consequences. Personally I am pretty tired of dealing with those consequences.
I doubt very much that your AH's relapse is due to your getting a raise. They use events to justify a relapse but there was probably a relapse coming. I took the "blame" for the A I was with's antics for years. Now I will not. Remember the three C's closely you do not have to have it impinge on your plans or your boundaries.
If you are not up to saying something that is within your program, don't. I think personally getting busy is a very very valuable antidote when I am around people who are using in some way. I focus really heavily on me and not on what they may or may not do.
hi ms louise... i am currently going thru the same thing with my husband. he constantly relapses, tells me he will stop, but then he doesn't stop. i am going to my first al - anon face to face meeting tomorrow, to relieve myself of the anger and find ways of coping... completely stressful...
Thanks everybody for listening. I just got so made when he didn't even say anything. It is hard when your first starting to use the Al-Anon tools to let things go, or not sure what you should say or not say, or do or not do...sometimes very confusing. But I am trying to keep today "simple". I still might say something. Not sure what but I don't feel like I can just pretend it didn't happen.
And to Jaysbaby..I am new to Al-Anon, but I already see the changes it can make - it really is a great program to have for US! Sorry to hear about your husband. I know it is devasting...we have so much hope. Keep your chin up and lets take care of us for once.
Consider that these events and morning-after exchanges are hard and often humiliating on the alcoholic. I know because I am one. Sounds to me like you did a super job handling the relapse (and they happen). But I wouldn't hold his conduct this morning against him too harshly. If you're asking him to be as sane and together as you, your expectations are probably too high.
I used to call my girlfriends after a bender just sort of fishing for their reaction or information about what happened (because I was often blacked out). I would often inject humor or sarcasm as a way of guaging how much trouble I was in. Truth is, those were times of awful grief and terror for me. Your boyfriend's probably not much different.
Not excusing him...you feel what you feel. Just thought I'd offer a little different perspective.
Thanks for pointing out the other side of it. I too was thinking that he might be embarrased, dissapointed, etc in himself. Still frusturating though. He did call me and asked if he screwed me up last night. I said not me, but that doesn't mean I don't worry. I said I relalized that relaspse is part of the disease. Maybe it won't happen again, but we don't ever really know. I also told him I thought it might be a good idea if he gets a sponser or phone list for these moments because me or his best friend can't help him like another AA member could. (he had actually brought up getting a sponser last week) Anyways, that's were it is at. Thank you all, for all your imput. I really appreciate it. It has helped make this day a little easier.
I no longer live with in a relationship with an active A. At the same time I do deal with active A's all the time, I have had a boss who was an A for example. I over react and blow up all the time. Remember you are human. This is a pretty hard program. The bottom line for me is always focus focus focus on me, what do I need to do, how can I take care of myself. When I am really super focused on me I can not over react otherwise its pretty seldom I don't. I have not been in a romantic relationship with an A for a year or more now too. Nevertheless I manage stress by either being in denial or over reacting unless I am totally focused on me.
Glad you are here Louise, and it sure sounds/shows that your program is working well for you.....
My only thought from your post - and I fully realize that this is HIS recovery, and not yours - the old adage is "90 meetings in 90 days" for newly recovering addicts...... Not everyone can fully meet this, but for "most" newly sober people, just two meetings a week isn't anywhere near enough..... They really have to "dive into" their recovery....
I hope, for his sake, he is able to treat this as a wakeup call and takes his recovery more as the life or death situation it truly is.... I trust, for your sake, that you will continue on the good path of recovery that you have chosen - for YOU.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I found that attending some open AA meetings myself helped me to get a sense of how terrible the disease really is...it helped me to have some compassion when all I had was anger and resentment. It didn't excuse the behavior, but it helped me place everything in perspective. Regardless, I had to keep taking care of myself...just as you are doing!!
Keep coming back and try to hit some F2F Al-Anon meetings if you can.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
The disease has been called, "cunning, powerful and baffling" and for this reason and more get as many tools as you can for your tool box. Being new is only that new. Alcoholism predates the life of Christ...You're up against the mother of all diseases and thank God you are already absorbing some program. Recovery will never be perfect because those that practice recovery aren't. We hope for progress and the ability and awareness to jump out of the way fast enough before the (Coors?) train comes down the track and then we work for the ability and awareness to stay off of train tracks altogther.
There is soooo much information out there from both sides of the fence...AA and Al-Anon. You won't get it all over night and we all need more than we have right now...so keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
ms louise - I know exactly what you are going through. My AH who was sober for 10 months (well, from alcohol anyway, he still smoked weed) relapsed 7 weeks ago. During his 10 months of "sobriety" from drinking we discussed many times what would happen if he relapsed, how happy things are now that he's not drinking, he felt better, etc. We also discussed how our home was an alcohol free zone. Then when he started drinking and lying about it for a month and a half, I had to kick him out of our home - it was a consequence because he drank.
He knew what the consequence would be if he drank again. It was a very tough decision to make but I had to do it for my own sanity and because it was a boundary I had made. My AH recently was arrested 6 days ago for public drunkeness. He says it made him realize he's wasting his life in the bottle. He says he hasn't had a drink in 4 days. Am I supposed to feel hopeful that he's going to remain sober? He wants to come home but knows he can't right now. I'm nervous thinking that one day in the future I will let him come back into our home. I believe As are ticking time bombs - you never know what's going to set them off and the explosion hurts all of the people in their proximity.
I was involved in Al-Anon about 1 1/2 years ago for almost 6 months, then stopped going when he stopped drinking. Now that he has relapsed I'm back attending f2f meetings and posting here. I don't know what I would do without Al-Anon. Have you read the book How Al-Anon Works? It really helped me figure out what it was I needed to do. At first I though Al-Anon would stop my husband from drinking (silly me!) when it really is all about making me well and healthy again. I was taken aback that so many people were in Al-Anon for years and years. I thought it was a quick fix program and then you're done. Not so. I believe it's probably a lifetime membership involving change over time.
I've given my AH to my HP because I just can't handle it anymore. During our entire relationship of 5 years, he had 10 months of sobriety. It truly was the best 10 months of our marriage - now all blown to hell (again!). It's also a trust issue. Can I ever trust him again? He's lied so many times to me I have lost count! That's something I need to turn over to my HP and I'm working on that. Without trust what do you have to build on??
Hang in there - keep coming back - get educated about alcoholism (know your enemy!) - get educated about Al-Anon and how it can help you - go to meetings - post here - just know you are not alone and your HP can handle it for you if you let it.
