The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having to revise my expectations. When I stopped people pleasing, people were not singing from the roof tops. In fact a lot of them are downright unpleased that I have stopped doing for them what they need to do for themselves. They aren't exactly happy I stopped paying for everything or stopped trying to find ways to make them happy.
What was I thinking?
Of course there will be a period of people believing I am mean, selfish and dare I say it unkind. After all I've always put everyone but everyone before me. And then I resented the out of them, not exactly loving or kind was it?
What was I thinking? I'm no longer rushing in. I'm in the equation and that is so unfamiliar I don't know how to take it.
My expectations that others would be happy that I take care of me is actually not that reasonable. Some of them may have to go elsewhere who knows. I do know I simply can't go on the way I was so I'll have to just turn it over and see what happens.
we are so used to taking care of everything and everyone that it's hard to stop. I find myself at work ready to offer help to someone where it is absolutely inappropriate. It feels good when I stop myself. Laura
Well it feels good when I stop myself too. The bottom line for me is that the way I interact is to people please and I have to stop it. I also look to people who are inappropriate for support and care. I have to look at that too.
I put up with a tremendous amount before I stop.
I have a high tolerance for dysfunction.
I also really do believe deep down that I am "not good enough".
The A sold me this bill of goods that despite the fact I contributed a great deal it was never enough for him. That is ingrained in me so everyday I have to check my expectations and remember to put me in there.
In some ways I have to withdraw for a while in engaging with others because the only way I know how to engage is to do too much for others.
"My expectations that others would be happy that I take care of me is actually not that reasonable" -Maresie
I think if someone truly does care about you... in the most general & simple terms, they will want you to take care of yourself & know that that is the most important thing any of us can do. None of us are any good if we don't take care of ourselves, professionally or personally.
I noticed this growing up and all of my life; I've seen men fulfill their needs & do for themselves & I noticed women sacrificing themselves. It may be a coincidence but I do believe as women, we are almost expected to sacrifice ourselves for other's. As a parent, you have to to some extent but a parent that doesn't take care of themselves can't possibly be doing their best either.
I don't think an addict that you enabled will be happy if they are in their addiction that you stop enabling them but anyone else would b/c it is basic for survival & preservation. We all owe it to ourselves to do what is best for us. If we are not happy, we are the only ones that can rectify this.
We have a lot in common and I KNOW how difficult it is to focus on self. I am still having trouble doing it after over 20 yrs in program. It just feels utterly foreign, I may as well have my skin peeled off! it also made me feel extremely selfish, like that "not good enough' thing in my head is a way for me to sabatoge myself b4 I even get anywhere, so it keeps me "safe" in a prison of not doing anything good for me.
I know it is past experiences, perceptions (abuse) that makes me think I don't deserve better. I wouldn't expect other's to put up with ill treatment, so why should I?
It is enlightening to see you say, "YOU put others b4 yourself and then you resent them" - I don't think many ppl would voluntarily put themselves into that position. No one wants to be resented. If someone does something for me, I assume it is b/c they want to, freely out of love. I am working hard @ no longer doing things I don't completely want to, freely, like a gift, out of love, expecting nothing in return, not even a "thank you." That is the only way I can see being free of the superflurous expectations/resentments we create out of us not loving us first and foremost.
If I don't do it, I'll attract an A like white on rice & I do not want another intimate relationship w/ an active A ever again.
Maresie, I want you to take care of yourself. Just like I want to take care of myself. We are the only ones that can know what we like, want or need. I cannot be expected to do this for anyone else. I owe it to me & you owe it to you and that is all anyone can expect from us, other than an employer or other person we promise something else to (again, we can't do much else if we don't learn to put ourselves first).
Much love & perserverance to you... I am right there with you, learning how to love me. I have a lot of love to give & I deserve the best treatment from me!
At first, I probably thought it was being selfish but it is just basic self-care. You deserve the best care you can give to you dear heart, you owe everything to you! It is your life!
love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm not a parent striclty but in so many ways having my dogs is so good for me. They went through so much with the A with being homeless and living in a truck. I am no longer willing to do anything that isn't in their interest. You would be suprized the men who I have met who think straight away that I will put them first. When I don't I'm dropped pretty fast. That tells me how much I always put others first.
I am really stuck at the moment with lots of issues. I know I need to create a whole community around myself and struggle with that. I have no idea what is healthy really. I know codependence and "wound mates" that is about it.
I'm looking at this and know that moving forward requires tremendous effort on my part. Giving up the fantasy of being rescued is also very hard for me. I lived that with the A and know where that got me, total devastation that's what.
Yeah, I don't have kids but I have my 3 cats. i was talking from 'the hip' or what I was told in the past, that kids have to come first. My mother always said she was putting my interests first but in hindsight I don't think she always did b/c there was a lot she didn't do for herself that she should have. I never learned self-care, self-love. She still seems to have a hard time with putting herself as a priority and she isn't interested in therapy. So I have to accept where she is & what she is doing & work on focusing on myself.
It is amazing to me, that something so basic is so difficult for us ACOAs. I do know that I won't tolerate mistreatment of my animals & they love me unconditionally. It is probably unreasonable & unhealthy to love other people in that way and they won't love us unconditionally, so. But we can learn ourselves unconditionally! haha
I really relate to the being resuced thing too but honestly, all we have to do is apply it to us. I can rescue myself and I should... again if I don't an A will crawl out of the woodwork & I don't need or want that. I don't want the psychic vampires anymore - and if I don't do it proactively for myself my misery will continue.
Where I am at today, is I have been doing excersize each day to get my mood up & it is helping. After being depressed in bed for 2 yrs, this is a huge improvement for me & it is all I am expecting of myself right now. I am working to a goal though, I will be going back to work next week, so it is one day at a time, one set of excersize at a time. I am eating better too & feeling better & looking better. Every & any little thing makes a difference. I am relishing the little baby steps I am taking.
love to you & your precious pets
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
out of them, not exactly loving or kind was it?