The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sunday, a week ago, AH and I took granddaughter, 7 months old, for a ride into the country, to a dairy farm/ice cream place. He was sweet and kind, helped with the baby, showed her the animals and gave her a taste of his ice cream. Gave her her bottle. She loves her Grandpa. We took lots of pictures that day, which I am glad of. It was a good memory to keep. Then TUESDAY night, comes in, screams at me to leave, calls me horrible names...etc. after getting drunk across the street. Wed. morning I get up to go to work. All my clothes are piled in front of the kitchen door. I step over them to go to work. He has me blocked in with his truck. I just got a new (well, new to ME!, a 2001) car after I totalled my other one. He wants a key and I wouldn't give him one, because he does weird stuff like hide my car, etc. He has been so mad about not having a key. So, he reasoned, if he blocked me in, I would turn over a key and he would let me out of the drive. No way in Hell was I giving him a key. I was able to pull forward into the garage a little bit, and keep pulling up and backing out until I could pull between the house and garage. Now he comes running out after me, jumps in his truck and starts chasing me! OMG!!!! The insanity! I went straight to the police, and went to the court house to file a restraining order. I have been trying NOT to do it, to just get along. I knew I had an apartment coming open July 1, and was planning to move. Just can't take the craziness anymore. That night, he had not been served the papers yet, and didn't even know I had filed them. He came in and started yelling at me to go. Called me the most horrible names you can imagine, saying cruel, hurtful things. He Carried my clothes outside in the rain. I ran into the bathroom and called the police. He figured what was up, and calmed down, carried my stuff back inside, then walked over across the street before the police came. All they could do was ask his friend if he was in the house, of course he said "No." So, they left and I spent the night, along with my cat Sophie, parked up the road in a corn field. The police didn't want me to stay at the house, and I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Weirdly enough, I slept like a baby. Woke up the next morning and drove back home to shower and get ready for work. Soon as I pull in, my cell phone rings....it is him. Leaves me a message "I knew you were going to call the damn cops. You are a big, fat, f****** wh***." I have loved this man for many years, we dated in 1986-1988, then split up until 1997. Been together since then, married in 2000. It will be 8 years in Sept. I thought we would always be together. We got along great except for the last 4 years or so, his personality has changed. We never used to argue or even have a cross word, he was so kind and gentle. But, in 2005, something happened when he was drunk and I filed charges. I just wanted him to get help. I wanted him to stop drinking because it changed him. Now, he has been screaming that he wants a divorce for years since that incident. Brought home a Dissolution Kit. We never did get it filled out. We get along great until he drinks then the evil personality comes. I don't know him then. I got moved into my apartment today, and we go to court on the R.O. on July 8th, then I guess he can move back into the house we are buying on land contract. From there, I don't know what will happen. I know things were getting too bad for me to remain at the house with him. It is strange to love someone you can't live with. It is strange to be able to feel love for someone who is mean to you, calls you names and threatens you. Am I crazy? My heart hurts, but I know I am doing the best I can do. I need to be strong. I hated leaving my home, all my beautiful rocks he brought me (really big ones.) My garden, the home we worked on so hard, and remodeled together. All the work we did, and the fun we had, back in the old days.
This has been a horrible couple of months for me:
I had to have my cat, Sidney, put to sleep.
I totalled my car and just had liability on it, so I didn't get any insurance $$$, and got a ticket (go to court over that tomorrow.)
I bounced a $2,000 check to the car lot because a check I had deposited to cover THAT check had a hold put on it by the bank.
I had to file restraining order on my husband, and move out.
He took our computer and hid it, so I don't have one.
I found out that my workplace will be shut down next week, and I don't have enough vacation time to cover it, money will be really tight.
I lost my $50 perfect attendance bonus I would have gotten at work for the last quarter, because I called off to file the restraining order.
I just found out an old friend was killed in a motorcycle accident, and her husband is in ICU. They are/were just in their early 30's with little kids.
BUT......I am still here. I am still breathing. My heart is still beating...somehow. HP is holding me really tight right now, otherwise I fear I would be flying apart at the seams. My guardian angel has me folded deep within her protecting wings, I can feel their softness against my skin.
I will survive. And in time, I will begin to heal, and life will go on. Somehow.
Wish there was something more I could say/do, other than to reassure you that I care..... The insanity of this disease is too much for most of us to take..... It's such a shame, but you are right - you are strong, and you WILL survive this....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
you sound like me a year ago. I am so so so sorry you are going through this. For what its worth I did survive. I am still barely surviving but I do better all the time.
I would no longer say that the A I was with was ok unless he drank. I think I overlooked a great deal. I'd also say that my own behavior has been hard to look at and investigate. Nevertheless you are in a crisis and are doing pretty well I think.
Can you file for victim witness assistance. They may be able to help you with the moving costs. They can also help with counselling. That all takes time of course but you will have time eventually to start rebuilding. This crisis will not be for ever.
I'm not sure what state you are in but its currently illegal in lots of states to discriminate against someone if they are dealing with domestic violence. It may be that you can get your perfect attendance notice after all.
Many many people here have left in a crisis. My crisis went on for years. My credit, finances and more are decimated. They will take years to rebuild. I'm working on it. I know it will be years I'm willing.
I'm glad you are here. Lean on this group, we've been there. You can come here and let it all out. There must be a lot of grief and anger in there. Maresie.
(((Becky))) Hugs from me,and bless your heart. I agree with canadianguy's post. If I had one thing to add it would be to use,"The Ole Faithful", the one thing that never lets us down regardless of the problems, situations, and unknowns we have to face in our lives. You know I am refering to 'The Sernity Prayer". (((HUGS AGAIN))) RLC
Just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. You sound like a very strong and independent woman. He doesn't realize what he's losing. It's OK to love someone, even if you don't like them. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are......
I think that the most important thing in that you and your family are safe and sound. He sounds like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. I do understand loving your AH with all your heart and thinking you would be together forever and him treating you terribly. And I have to give that to the disease that don't want us to survive. I recently told my sponsor about all that had happened to me in the last year and particularly the last month. She laughed. She said that when it rains it pours doesn't it. I had to laugh with her.
Its okay to move forward after you've been stuck for a while. You are responsible for taking care of yourself and seeking your own safety. I know doing those things were very difficult for you as they were necessary and the vision of you alone sleeping in your car in a corn field will linger for me as just another example of someone's reaction to the disease. I am glad you are safe.
I am grateful that you are sharing the load with us. It's okay to not carry all the weight yourself. We've been there too, maybe not in the same way yet still there.
My heart prays for your peace of mind and safety. Trust your instincts as that seems to be doing well for you.
Oh Becky, I am so sad it has come to this. Of course You love him and miss the man you married. It is the disease you hate, the disease you are leaving.
Becky you know my life past was so much like yours. Except I had animals to think of so had to fight to stay here. Still I live in a bunkhouse, not the house with the yard I landscaped.
I am sad your friend was in an accident. I am sure that weighs on you also.
In time you will make your little place your home.
No doubt to sleep anywhere with out the disease ready to pounce on you would give you a good sleep.
I am horribly concerned you put your cat down becuz you moved. You have so much loss to heal from.
Believe me with working on it, in time your life will become familiar. For now please take naps, rest, do the best you can however listen to your body and heart.
For me, I was totally freaked out becuz i had no desire anymore, no hopes no dreams.I was so afraid becuz I was afraid my love for gardening would never come back.
You will feel better, this is temporary, sadly you have to go thru it. You have a broken heart. That is major. Don't be afraid to tell people you don't feel well and if you choose to, say I have a broken heart.
Take it all a little at a time. It is so so horrible to see that person who was everything to you, turn into someone you do not know, and don't want to know.
Is it that easy to hide the computer??? You gotta have one,especially now.Do you have any options out there to get another one? Is he ever gone long enough to go find it?
I don't know what to say other than I am sorry for all you are going through.
I hope one day soon you can list the good things that are bound to come your way. I saw a sign at work today with an Arabic proverb that read, "Write the bad things that happen to you in sand and the good things in marble." I liked that, particulary as I envisioned the ocean waves rolling up and clearing the sand. Ahhh.....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Seems like you've been punched in the gut over and over again doesn't it? Life can be like that.
On the other hand, you have survived so much. You know you can get through this. Once you settle into your new place, your soul and heart will heal. Hang in there. Your new place will be filled with the giggles of your grandduaghter. There will be love and joy in your life. Remember Alanon has your back. We're right there with you. I will say an extra prayer for you and your family. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Becky, I admire your courage to move on. My apartment was ready July 1st as well. But I backed out of it and decided to stay. And I sit here alone on the 4th of July while my husband is out drinking with his sister. I try not to have remorse over past decisions, but I WISH I would have taken the apartment. What was I thinking.
I just went look for him, its midnight and foggy. I didn't look very hard, I was not going to drive across town to find him so I came home and threw his clothes out on the driveway. (I guess there is a 1st for everyting, I never did that before). So now I sit here and wonder "what the heck am I doing?" this is all to much for me.
I am new to the program. 4 days new actually. I don't know what I was thinking....I know this is to help me, but how can it help if I choose to stay with him. I feel like I am hurting myself by staying.
I've been married to him for (i think) 5 years. We've seperated so many times, that I don't know... We have been together 10 years. We don't have any children, THANK GOD, and I am still a young 36 year gal. What am I thinking by staying...
Again...I admire your courage and strength. YOU WILL DO FINE. I can't wait for the day that I am out of here.
