The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have realized this week that I really need to let go of "resentment" in order to feel happy. I need to find some answers- Higher Power can provide I know.
I am not purposely holding on to things but since my way is to "discuss" feelings about things that happen and my A's is to simply change the behavior and never talk about why he felt a certain way or did a certain thing it leaves a "whole" or "void"- His behavior may indicate he regrets a certain behavior or situation- but if I ask anything about it I MIGHT get a one word or sentence answer- mostly I get defensive behavior, he says I am "accusing him" or very often he makes the statement. " It doesn't matter what I say, you are just gonna think the worst anyway". this is difficult-- because I feel like he doesn't trust me enough to believe him when he tells me his true feelings. Like he feels deep down inside I won't believe him even if it is the truth so therefore he won't even make the effort because he is so sure I will hurt him by not listening and believing in his truth. So up go the defenses! I know this is his issue- because often I am actually thinking the very best and just checking with him to see what he really thinks or feels- looking for validation that all is okay- but it always turns the opposite where I end up getting a reaction that you would expect from the "worse case" but I know somehow it's not... hard to explain... Does anyone relate?
Even when I'm happy with us I feel a but.... or pause.... like a house built on sand, beautiful house but might blow away because the foundation is weak?
He may someday learn that it makes a relationship stronger to be able to really "resolve" issues, clean house when something comes up so it is gone and over and even better than before- or I may learn that there is a way to feel secure about our relationship without understanding him. One tape I was listening to said that unresolved conflict- the times when you didn't get the explaination- reassurance from you partner that all was okay and you just left it there. That these are the reasons people often think they have "fallen out of love" with partner. I can relate except I don't feel I've "fallen out of love" I just feel like I'm in "limbo" or to use a Texan term: I feel like a cow looking at a new gate. - you would have to have seen the way cows stare in disbelief at a change in their environments to get that one.
I pray for peace while God teaches me what I need to learn about this.
This post is not clear... I am looking for ESH from anyone who can remotely relate. Again, I'm not sure if this is an A thing or a personality thing or maybe even a mental health issue? (sometimes feels like it might be MY mental health issue).
Leaves me feeling like if I could just explain what I am hopeing for to him enough that surely since he loves me he would be glad to accomodate my needs and even want to make us stronger by truely "resolving" anything in our life (but experience and alanon have taught me this is not gonna happen) At least not until HP directs my path. Perhaps from wisdom from others and/ or some other ways?
Oh yeah, I relate. And mine is 4+ years sober. And mind you, it's not consistent - sometimes we can talk, and sometimes we can't. Sometimes we can't, but a week later he says something that's sort of an answer and I realize he heard me after all. Sometimes.
My sponsor reminds me that sometimes he won't be able to hear me, it's a selfish disease, and when that happens bring it to her or to a meeting or to an alanon phone call.
I think it does help me be scrupulous in what I say myself - is it not only only Thoughtful and Honest and Intelligent, but also Necessary and Kind? Is it what I need to say for myself regardless of what his reaction is? Not infallibly, naturally - this is what I am working on most now, I think.
And I LOVE "a cow looking at a new gate". I'm quite certain I've had that look myself from time to time, hehe.
Wow thinks thanks for the post. Every time I get feedback that lets me know it's not just me, that I am not alone it helps me feel more energetic and able to cope. Thanks!
I can relate. People do not like the boundaried me. What were my expectations that they would be glad I am in recovery? Nope.
I was a people pleaser and put up with a great deal. Now I do not. Now the first thing on my agenda is me. Before it was the last. Yes I am certainly a cow looking at a new gate.
Love the cow analogy. I have one( a cow) and the look is familiar (to me and her).
I can relate to your post because I used to think that I was the one that anyone could come to with anything. Turns out it was mostly anyone but my AH. As the disease progressed I became unreasonable without knowing it (sound familiar?) and did not realize that I was not a safe person for my AH to share his feelings with for many years. I expected him to tell me how he felt, but had no ability to handle what he said. I was judgemental. I wanted to fix things. I wanted him to communicate MY WAY, period. I didn't want him to take his time, esp. if it meant not today. I grew up without my Dad around, so had no understanding of how men think or comunicate. I often felt hurt and rejected by his need for space and esp his withdrawal from me when I didn't give it to him.
I read the Mars and Venus book. That was my first clue. Then as he struggled and finally got sober, I finally learned to limit my expectations and talk to Al-Anon people and come here to this board instead of pushing him to "communicate". I learned to communicate with him clearly and honestly first, WITHOUT expecting anything in return. Slowly as I turned the pressure off, he started to let out small things and it went on from there. Now we communicate well. We also have a pact that if either of us needs to talk about something that the other may have a bad reaction to, we warn that person up front. "Can you listen without saying anything for a minute" "I know this may be hard for you to hear, are you ready?" That way the one recieving the sharing can prepare to not react, or say anything until they have had a chance to process the feelings first. Hope that makes sense.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Our ability to communicate is one of the first things that this disease kills.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha Glad!! For me as a male type gender of the same human race that you, a female type belong to your post was a bit scarey...not offensive...scarey.
I have learned that men and women come from two different places; men from the brain and women from the heart. Books have been written and lectures have been given all because of this reason and the reason will not go away. There will not be a mass movement of men over to the "female side" or women over to the "male side". I remember being told that if I wanted to understand more completely I needed to "get in touch with" my feminine side. I did that for an exercise in feminine behaviors and thought and feeling processes and to also give my emotional existence light and growth and it worked and still I am fully male and at times my wife seems to be confused that I am while I also get confused that she misses one of the basic truths about myself. I am male and mostly a think and behave human being rather than a feel, think and behave human being. "I do"..."I act" and usually do not disclose the process unless it is really important to the process otherwise most of how I behave looks like reacting.
I've made statements to my spouses out of defense on how she will react if I do things more her way. "It doesn't matter....etc." Often times I will be correct. Often times I have had to ask myself the question could she be right? Could I be blind or wrong? And I will still be correct.
Our program is a program of self change. For me sometimes those required changes are situational and by that I mean I have to take into mind the situation I am in with the other person and do the right thing that maybe not what I want to do for the moment or against my craving need for some form of validation. Some times I have to read the body language of the person and not the words or lack of words and then make an acceptance decision.
Just a somewhat example. I work off the ground (no not an angel) I repair roofs and this requires me to work on slopes of all different kinds and all kinds of risks. It is my decision...I do it and I do it as best I can and the issue of safety for me is always a constant thought and still I do it. The issue of safety is always a constant feeling with my wife and leads her to some very negative thoughts inspite of the present evidence that her fearful thoughts are not premonitions, or guarantees in the future. What she doesn't consider is that I am the one who actually has more fear than she does even when I don't talk about it. I don't talk about my fears because I am not as experienced as she is as a male and because I have not realized as much benefit as she or other women have from that practice. I have in the past practiced my feminine side and it was interesting and okay and then I went back to my usual practice with a hightened sense of empathy and compassion for others while still not a whole lot of expression.
While she may not admit to this...I know my wife. Men know their wives, the women they marry and give position to in their lives. I can read my wifes body language pretty accurately regarding what she is feeling. When she expresses the why she is feeling the way she is feeling she can sound like an alien. Some of her statements are unfounded and untrue and have no relation to what is or has been going on. These statements come from a place of what she wants or wants to take place and most women want that also and still she is feeling what she is feeling based upon an untruth. It use to be more maddening than it is right now and that is because I have applied this program and the will of my HP and my deciding what consequences I want to the issue. In the process like yourself she doesn't get much help from me I cannot talk about my feelings with her because they are related to some thing false and untrue even though she feels and is convinced it is not. If I state my feelings about it the statements will be dated and offer me another opportunity to be frustrated. I don't choose that for my peace of mind and soul. So my responses are verbal often times like your husbands? "If I do then you..." That is when here denial rises up to protect her from a "you" statement and damn I hate the discussion process after that. It makes me feel more angry and frustrated and confused and impatient and fearful and projecting myself somewhere else with out her. As your husband if those are some of the feelings he goes thru about the process. Actually don't try watching his body language and see if you recognize them in action.
It is okay to have your own feelings and thoughts without someone very close to you having the same feelings and thoughts in order to feel validated. That is the enablers paradigm. I do so that you feel and then I feel... Freedom is from the disciplines one of which is to accept another person and their choice to feel and be exactly who they are at any moment without feeling either discounted or validated by it. That discipline is love; love of self and the other for exactly who you are.
If you kill your expectations all gates will be gates that simply open or close. What's beyond them need not frighten you and staying where you are is not a problem.
Now I want to hear more about this from the other guys...still a student not needing to protect anything or anyone.
