The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning my XDIL called to say she was dumping my A son out in the street for all kinds of reasons. He has been with her for a week.I got right off the phone. Then I got 2 emails from my son, blaming her and saying he had to get away from her so he was going to be on the street 100 miles from here. I had a long standing date with 3 of my girlfriends to go to an exhibit and lunch 2 hours from here. So I went and I was miserable, worried, crazed etc. When I got home at 5:00, there was an email from him about the new dog they just got together. So my day was ruined and they got a new dog. So finally, I am declaring that i am done being a crazy person! I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it and it can't run my life. I have to live with it and do the things I want to do, go the places I want to go and not sit here waiting.In addition, i am going to seriously stop using food to dull my brain out and make me hate myself even more when I look in the mirror. He is my child. I love him. I need a real life and his choices, or lack of good choices, can't control me. DONE! Thanks for listening, Laura
I so agree with you but it sure isn't easy. Someone here said that when they started to worry again it meant that even if they had let go & let HP; the worry meant I had taken it back from HP. That really helps me when I have a hard time trying to get on with my life.
You are soo right about the 3 C's and you are doing great. Thanks for sharing - your resolve for progress encourages me too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Laura...I am so happy that you have come to the realization that their problems mostly affect us. They are 2 sick people that you cannot cure but their HP can. You are doing so well. When they get sick and tired of being sick and tired maybe they will seek help. Until then....life is way too short to spend it worrying about things not in our control. I can see something really clicking for you. It did for me and I know I had to go through all I went through to get to where I am.
Enjoy your holiday weekend and everytime your mind wanders toward worry for your son turn it over and get on with whatever you were doing.
I can relate to being pulled in very easily. Please be kind to yourself. Being codependent is pretty "sticky" stuff. Detaching takes work, putting yourself first takes work. I don't believe it happens overnight. If you slip and slide do not beat yourself up.
Getting caught in the middle is so easy. I can still do it. I have to super detach from people. I can get so caught up in pleasing everyone. People pleasing is insidious.
I cannot tell you how many times I have wept, lamented, grieved and had sleepless nights and worried sick days over my son and his EX and split family...ONLY to find out sooner or later that they had been 'having fun". Two Sundays ago I spent a day like that. My son had called, ranting and raving about her, his life, his losses. I, trying to FIX it (stupid me) spent a terrible day worrying and wondering WHAT CAN I DO?? Well, later that evening he called to say what a great day he had kayaking with his neighbor.....ME, sitting here in this house sick with worry about him and my own illess...he is out KAYAKING!! Not drinking either...just kayaking. Today he called from work to cancel a visit with us and his son this evening. He had been stung by wasps in his lip while doing an outside job there. He is terribly allergic and has been told upteen times in his life to carry an Epi-pen. He won't. Period. He knows it all. He said, I took Benedryl and will be OK....could barely talk. OH and also....."I forgot my cell phone bill was due yesterday so don't have a phone till after tomorrow. Talk to you then"> So can't check on him. Hope the sting doesn't kill him off, although if he hasn't by now, guess he will be OK. What is my point, Laura??? Well, I think you hit it right on the head. We are sick about them most of the time and during our sickness, they are going right on with their activities and sometimes inane decisions, etc. Three C's are so right! I just have to keep reminding myself. I sometimes don't recognize this man I supposedly raised. He once told me "I don't want that white picket fence you so treasure".....he certainly didn't. And doesn't have it either...just some everyday plain old heartbreak, thanks to his free spirit and his disease.
clap