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Post Info TOPIC: posting for Du Jour


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3131
Date:
posting for Du Jour


I am a Recovering addict and had the first 12 years of our marriage clean but had issues that went unattended and I eventually relapsed 10 years back and have had up and down off and on again slips and relapses. Every time there is an emotional crisis I hit the pipe and the bottle. 15 months ago I entered a rehab program and for the first time in and out of 5 other detox centers, Christian rehabs and sober living homes, I finally took it in and had a real conviction for the program and the steps. Today I am getting psychiatric help with Cognitive Therapy, working with my sponsor and team and making progress with new clarity and judgment with the help of my meds. . I know that people can change, I am coming alive and taking the hits, strikes and fabrication that have been the hardest in all my life and accepting things so totally painful that my inner child would have run and hid with substance to ease the tragedy that struck my life.  I am completely wounded to the deepest part of my soul and shattered, torn and fragmented in the recesses of my heart. My love, my life my precious wife of 23 years decided she didnt want to be married anymore and  now a new love interest (been a few she confessed for some time) and chooses to walk into anther mans arms who she believes will fulfill her. With much hostility and callousness she has cast me aside. Her advance was like an attack against me as a person as a husband as a father. Maliciously, bitterly and resentfully she pointedly made an effort to hurt me and to intimidate and control me.

 She has filed TRO and D and scheduled a Mediation meeting at the court in a few days. Her actions included accusing me of a crime and having me arrested.2 days after she dropped the bomb about her infidelity and her new love interest I was trying to get a handle on the lies, betrayal and dark secrets she led with her other life. For years I have caught things that made me suspect and when I addressed it she totally claimed no way and ridiculed me and put blame ion me for my abandonments during my binges and the problems my addiction caused. So I stopped by the house recently (She has had a NC separation with me for the last couple months).. She demanded that I never come over to the house and that I just move on and she is hostile toward me when I am around. Well I expected that she would be inside and I had just  hand picked some nice arrangement of flowers and made a little bouquet and was going to leave it on her porch. As luck had it she was on the patio and she was on the phone with HIM.. at this point I asked her to please let me speak to him cuz I would like to let him know how I feel about him killing my marriage and destroying my family. She said if I didnt leave she was calling the police. I said that its not necessary and I respectfully said I am hurt and still care and hope that we can talk sometime regardless that you have decided to do this terrible thing  Well she called the police and told them I threatened to kill her and her boyfriend after I left. I was picked up by the police and taken into custody at a 7am AA meeting and placed in jail for a few days. I lost the job I had just landed and it cost me others things as well. She made claims in the Order that I was abusive to her and the kids and requests for me to attend batterers classes for 2 years and she stated in the Order that I raped her and I tried to cut my wrists in front of my family. Theres a lot more but you get the picture. Very wild and very damaging claims that I need to contest. She has placed difficulties on me and has made aggressive actions. Perhaps its her way to reduce her discomfort and give justification for her actions while making me out as the bad one and positioning herself to get what she wants. For some time she said all the right things and made so much about giving her a divorce and being civil with each other thru all this yet, she files restraining orders and lies about my character and actions. This makes it difficult to understand her intentions when she vents hostility and demonstrates and voices pure hatred toward me.

At this point, I just want the Order removed and to see my kids and be with them.

I care about her and I still love her and want the very best for her. Instead of waiting time in jail plotting a revenge or attack, or obtaining an aggressive attorney to  make things harder and complicate it, I spent time praying for her and contemplating the situation, seeking to understand how she must feel and what she has gone thru and put up with.  And I walked away with compassion and grace for her.

 The sad thing is our children are going to suffer thru this. And it is her decision to do this. Divorce is damaging and has life long lasting effects on people. These are proven facts and I have had enough tragedy and pain for our family. A list of things that read something likeChildhood sexual abuse and assault and rape for both of us and later our youngest child and our special needs child were assaulted and molested by an older sibling that I had arrested and charged with several Felonies. Also, Illnesses and injuries that have been life threatening and disabling to name a few. These are things we each carried into the marriage and committed to go thru and overcome together till death do us part.

The kids arent stupid and eventually they will see the truth and become aware of her character and spirit.  Her unfaithfulness will come to light and not by my doing. I have no desire to expose things about her or embarrass her and make her look bad.

Believe me, I have a hard time wrestling with this and seeking understanding how someone who was so tied to my soul could so thoughtlessly let go of our promises and vows.
is it done... 
Well... she chooses to do what she does and i cant control that.... but i can work on and change me... my irrational beliefs and behaviors
 As for myself, I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad

I want to approach this in such a way that regrdless of how she comes against me and what she claims and charges against me... I want to stand steadfast and strong for my kids. To let them see God chissleing character so I can walk thru this with dignity.

 



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"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3131
Date:

I read your post, and have respect for you.
I did want to reply about something in your share.

It sounds like there was a no contact order in force, but it was chosen to be broken by you.

Was uncomfortable for me to read that even though the order was broken by you, you blamed your ex and friend for the consequences.

One vital part of recovery is accepting the consequences for our own behavior.

I know from experience, when pointed at and things were untrue, the best to do was to say nothing. Arguing does no good. It is MY experience, that when evil is spouted I refuse to even listen to it or give it any energy.

To argue makes it sound as if I feel I must protect myself. Silence shows a dignity, and respect for me to not give it any weight.

It does sound that you have a lot of love there. However sadly, the object of your affection, sounds like has found another.

If indeed the desire to see the kids is paramont, then believe me, for a person to show dignity, to stay calm, etc.goes a long ways in building trust.

Though intentions may have been kind, picking flowers, the ex took it as aggressive as you broke the no contact order.

I hope you will take this in the kind way it was meant.
Glad you are here. love, hugs,debilyn


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"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 581
Date:

This sounds so uncomfortably like things my ex would say that it tends to make me think of the old phrase "if their lips are moving, they're lying". He would profess his love and then in the same breath call me all sorts of names. Not take responsibility for his part in the hurt of our relationship either. Blame me for his "not being able to get into recovery" sooner. Amazing how they can twist things around so well to make it sound like they are the "sane" one. Fact is, my ex's brain is alcohol damaged. Friends who know him have commented on this (how he talks, how he tries to reason) - so its not just my own observations.

People like to quote the wedding vows a lot too. Funny how the first part gets left out all the time... you know, that part about loving and honoring, the part that addresses HOW you promise to treat the other person. It isn't love when you are verbally or physically abusing a person. It isn't love when you talk down to them and make them feel like everything is their fault and they are worthless human beings. (This applies to both sides of the fence.) Just another example of manipulation - picking and choosing what parts to quote, to talk about, etc.

None of us are doormats. There is no way I would ever go back to the life I was living now that I have seen some little pieces of "reality" (instead of the "fantasy" I held onto for so long). Long term action/behavior has been what I look at... and despite all the "nice" things he says (99% of the time when he wants something), he always reverts back to the verbal abuser. Manipulation. This disease is sad.

__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness.
"I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4578
Date:

Well I can relate to much of what you are saying. The issue is that when there is alcohol involved great damage can be done to a relationship.  I know we all want someone to be understanding, giving, kind, loving but some people "break" under the stress/chaos, fear/upheaval that goes on when one person loses. There is no prize for sobriety, some people get sober in order to 'save' their marriage only to discover its gone.  They can feel cheated and feel justified in then going out and doing even more destructive stuff. 

For me as a recovering codependent I gave the A I was involved with the notion that I would "always" be there for him. After alcoholism decimated our finances, took our home, took jobs, took my health, took his health I decided I could not be "there". I'm not so sure this "man" took your marriage, I think alcoholism did. There is no guarantee with any relationship that people are going to love you unconditionally for ever, put alcoholism into the mix and there's a pretty good likelihood that a relationship is going to fail.  I've seen very very relationships fail without bitterness, recrimination, chaos and more.  Sure we would all love to break up as "friends", take the high road and create a break up that was seamless but that isn't reality.  Reality is often downright horrible, dirty, mean, hopeless and seems like a dead end.  Reality isn't the prize some of us want.  In fact I'd say most of my life I hid actively from reality I hated that word.

Reality is pretty hard for some of us without a substance to medicate it.  For some of us those substances destroyed our entire lives, everything is in tatters and it is very easy to find a person to blame. That's the easy route, why did they?  Who knows. I could spend a lifetime wondering why certain people did what they did. The reality is that they did and I can't change that.

I stayed with an active alcoholic/addict for 7 years. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I take responsibility for that. I take the entire responsibility for my part in the relationship these days. You can look at your part in sobriety, what a gift.  What a present to the future whatever that holds for you. With sobriety you have a future, without sobriety you don't. Well you may have one but I wouldn't even want to guess what that will be, more of the same that's for certain.

Rather than rail on about how "unfair" reality is and how this should not happen to you you can look at this is in fact your "reality" and find out how you can make it better (without resorting to the usual things of blaming, shaming, blurring boundaries, and more) you can look at what can you do without causing a crisis to get access to your children. How much sobriety do you need, what do you need to do.  HOw can you make it through this time in sobriety rather than cause more damage?

For many of us our journey into recovery is full of woe, none of us like our reality. I certainly don't. What can I do to make it better is the heart of the serenity prayer.  You can spend a lifetime feeling "poor me", you can find recovery even in the hardest places, the "poor me"s" the "shoulds" the "why me?" you can find it in times that are unbearable because those times do indeed bring to a focus that you indeed do need to change, the world doesn't need to change , you do.   Change often only comes for some of us when it is irrefutably clear nothing is working right now, not any way, not anyhow, not some way and all that you did before only seems to make it worse in the present.  What a clear message, time for you to change, not the world, you.

Attitude is everything to me, if I have a rotten attitude, the poor me" f u" attitude I know what I'm going to get, more chaos, more crisis, more pain. If I have acceptance and believe me I hate to "accept" my life is horrible, poor, full of deprivation and tremendous effort is required to move on I don't have the same kind of pain but there is indeed pain there too.  One pain can move me to a different place, the other pain keeps me stuck. Which pain do you want?

Your path ahead is far from easy, sobriety is hard going, there is no magic formula to getting the life you deserve, getting the love you deserve and having it all mapped out. That is a reason why many of us used different substances to "cope". Coping isn't an answer for me anymore. How about you?

Maresie.

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maresie
Jen


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1242
Date:

My AH said those words, too. He also said,"Love, Honor, and Cherish". But an active A cannot love, honor, or cherish anything. The disease doesn't let them. I'm sure it didn't let you.

You didn't say if you have a qualifier for the Al-Anon program, but if you came here as an alcoholic looking for sympathy from a bunch of Al-Anons for the mess you have made of your life, please remember that we are your wife and your kids and your mother and father and everyone else in your life that your disease has harmed. I know this sounds harsh and I suppose I am a bit resentful(really just a little). I do understand that an A is sick with a disease. I try hard not to take any A's behavior personally. We as Al-Anons do not understand your side of the disease. Most of us have not been there.

But please remember that until you have been harmed by an A the way you have harmed your loved ones, you will never understand our side either. You can try. My AH tries. My AH has two alcoholic parents, so he relates a little now that he is off the pity pot. But truely he still doesn't really get it.

I assume that you are in AA and have a sponsor. That is a good place to take all this pain and resentment. He can tell you as an A how to deal with your side of this problem. Cause to be honest, it is going to be very hard for many of us here to be truely understanding of your point of view, at least until you have enough recovery to truely empathise with how much damage YOU have done to your loved ones lives.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. Truely this is a harsh disease, and it tries the patience of all of us.

I hope you will find some peace and serenity very soon.

In recovery,

__________________

~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown

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