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I have been divorced from my exAH since March 08. What an accomplishment for me. I have come so far in the last few years. I amazed at myself for all that I have done. Yet I am even more amazed by where I am still stuck!!
By this I mean, I am still so very angry!! The anger helps me get the "must do's" done and so is welcome usually. My anger helped me to sell my big house in the country and move into a small one in town. It helped me kick my exAH out repeatedly and stand my ground. It helped me file for child support through the state. It helped me to cut each tie to the exAH that I have successfully cut.
But today I find myself wondering, "Have I really cut all those ties?" I am so angry at my exAH's most recent actions. Why? Why are his actions even having any effect on me at all?
In the last month I have found out that my ex has a new girlfriend. That he spends a lot of time with her. He has taken her to meet his family. He has gone to meet her family in another state. They brought her 2 kids back with them for a few weeks (she doesn't have custody - hmmm - that is curious isn't it?). He is babysitting them while she goes to work. He has not gone to work in 2 days and not bothered to call his boss to let him know why. He hasn't bothered to call his grandma (he lives w/her) to let her know where he was and that he was ok. He stood my son up on Sunday. He has only paid me $200 this month in child support (guess I should be thankful for that one weeks worth of groceries). He never spends any time w/our kids and rarely calls them.
Honestly, I could care less that he has moved on with this new woman. I think what makes me so unbelievably angry is the fact that he has completely written off our kids. He has closed the door on that chapter of his book and doesn't even look back. I don't understand how someone can do that to their kids. He cannot use drugs and alcohol as an excuse b/c he is clean right now as far as I know. When he was messed up on coke, yea I saw how that could happen. But he is clean, working on this new life just like his past life never existed, like his kids don't exist.
I text him earlier and asked if he was alive, dead or just didn't give a rip. He text me back and said as far as I am concerned, he is dead. I never thought in all our years together he would act this way. Though I guess I was just fooling myself all those years, pretending to be happy with someone who is nothing more than the biggest jerk I have ever known. Boy I was foolish to put so much faith and love into that man. I don't even recognize him any more. ERRRGGG!!!!
Let it go, right? I am trying.....I just wish I could truly let it go, find some happiness in my life. I am feeling so restless, wreckless and hopeless. Does happiness, true happiness really exist? I am not sure that it does. I had been content at least for the last year. But that is gone, leaving me empty, hollow and lonely. I am struggling financially and emotionally and he could care less. He is off having his good ol' time w/his new life. I am stuck cleaning up all the pieces he has left behind. I am stuck cleaning up the messes he is still leaving me on a daily basis when he breaks my kids hearts. So sad.
QOD, You are so terrific!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have accomplished so very much. Can the state arrange for you to get your child support? My grand daughter's dad is a total dead beat. He lives with his GF and her 4 kids and the state takes the $$ out of his pay and sends it to my daughter. My grand daughter has known since she was little that she can love him, but count on him for nothing and then she won't be disapointed. He has 3 other kids who do the same. Can you get away from his messes? You will be happy again because you have taken the hardest step already. ((((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))
Just my opinion here....I think you are angry because your dream of what you wanted out of life has been changed......for the better perhaps, but right now, it is understandable to be angry about that. What you thought marriage and parenthood would bring, didn't Something else intervened...addiction. You are angry about it all, I suspect. I think that four months isn't adequate time to "get over" something...regardless of how long it was in the making. Add to that the new woman/her children and your anger is totally justified. Probably that won't last long. Give yourself time and distance.
I have this opinion because I am the mother of a man whose wife divorced him two years ago. She did it quickly and without much thought as to possible redeption or sobriety on his part. She is soo angry at him; when they are forced to be face to face because of the child, she just can almost not contain her contempt. I think it is because her dream was deferred. He, on the other hand, is angry, too. His dream was deferred as well. So far he pays his child what is due and sees him on the schedule his EX had laid out for him. He has no one new in his life. But he is angry because he can't have her and his child AND alcohol. He is angry at his disease. His anger spills over to me, his mother. Why, I don't know? I steer clear of it all these days, keeping mouth shut and heart closed. I live by "turn the other cheek" with both of them and try to always keep what is best and morally right for my grandchild.
Your anger is justified according to what you revealed in your post. You will eventually get it under control. Just because the ink is barely dry on the divorce document doesn't mean your heart is over it. That will take time. I seriously doubt my former DIL or my son will ever heal and recover from their split. I know I won't.....not with child involved. Take great care of yourself and your children in the coming days. Savor your peaceful environment. Hold his hands to the fire for the support your children deserve. As to his seeing them, well, if he doesn't, he is the loser. Just make them available to him, give him his chance, and take the high road. I hope I have said nothing to offend.
I can only give you my ESH. I still have rage at the A. I would have rage about where he is now but I make a huge effort not to know. Is that possible for you? I actively work on not knowing. If I am given an opportunity to ask I don't. I make an effort not to wonder.
I find that helps. I am still angry, still working through grief but I don't add any to it. I have other issues of grief in my life and I think I have to do the same, just not go to the present about whoever it is.
YUP< YUP< YUP, ME TOO!!! Were we married to the same man? Because I am sure we are divorced from the same one (except that I don't get child support and the bimbo he hooked up with doesn't have kids)
I am sending you hugs......I have nothing more to say except that there is a special place in hell for these men who abandon their children. I don't care if they were/are addicts. They will suffer greatly and IMO deserve NO compassion....oh, don't get me started (((((QOD)))))))
I didn't read your whole post because I felt that there wouldn't be any new secrets as to why anger lingers.
One of the reasons is simply that you are human...you come with emotions and yup...anger is one of them that we use and like you have said you need as fuel for the boiler.
Another reason for anger is that you will not accept certain things that you feel are wrong out there...could be a couple could be (hopefully not) a zillion. Are you a naturally angry and rageful person when anything doesn't go your way? If it comes more naturally to you than lets say patience or grace than you can expect anger to hang around for a while. That can be changed.
Are you angry about the loss of your expectations of your marriage? Are you angry at God? Are you angry at your inability to hold things together then and now? Are you stuck in blame and self pity? Are you projecting future losses and feel unable to ammend the present?
I was taught in this program and today fully believe that anger is the opposite of acceptance. There is something I cannot accept or more honestly will not accept that has or is or will go on in my life. Some person, place or thing.
Another thing I found out was that after I had rid myself of all the "trouble makers" in my life I still had one...Me. I learned this admission, "Hi my name is Jerry. I am a greatful member of the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. My only problem is me and my only solutions is God." I was taught what is to me the most honest statement of truth I have to remember. Working on just one person, me, is much more easier than trying to change the world.
I hope this has something for you. Take what you like; leave the rest.
"One of the reasons is simply that you are human..."
Be good to yourself. Your anger will subside in time. And in the meantime, it DOES serve a good purpose. Sounds to me like you are using it to its best advantage.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I still get very angry (rages at times), too! I think it is because we are trying and trying to make sense of a disease that DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Alcoholism is not a logical disease, and we will only continue to be frustrated at our inability to make it logical. Thank you for sharing your experience here... so many will be able to relate.
I used to get angry. But in alanon and really being honest with myself, I faced, my AH is horribly miserable. May look like he is all ok living off this icky person. However I know him better than anyone.
He knows what he has lost, he feels too guilty to even attempt to fix it. No way can he face the kids.
I learned the way I feel now is how it looks when I really accept I have the three c's down, how I really have no ill will towards him becuz he is very very sick.
His life is empty,no matter what he does.
The only thing I resent is he has a proper toilet and I don't.
haha in time I hope you will be able to surrender it all. sure it is human to be angry. I learned all it did was make me feel bad.
yes of course when someone hurts your kids, anyone would not be real happy with the jerks.
All I know is I am comfortable where I am, comfortable in my own skin. Something he will never experience.
Hey was just thinking also....in my experience I like NOT knowing all the stuff you "found out." what good did it do you to know?
I know for me,expecting nothing,not even financial, made me feel more free.
Can't force him anyhow.unless you can get him garnished. It is my humble opinion not paying c.support they should be put in jail for an attitude adjustment.
My divorce was also final in March '08... and I suspect he's found someone else (afterall, A's are coD too...) But, I don't know if he has for sure. Saw him the other day, he's lost weight and looks better....actually, he looks good.
I have the opposite thing going on with the kids. He is lavishing them.....buying them cars, taking them to the nicest restaurants (cocktails included) and paying their bills (crippling them.) And I am powerless over it all.
For what it's worth.... awhile ago, I stopped going to a "group therapy" meeting....it was based on al-anon but people there definately wanted to fix you. There was cross-talk and harsh judgement... it wasn't for me. However....some things I heard there, did stick with me. Any time I spoke about "my kids," they would interrupt and ask, "Whose kids are they?" In my heart, I knew the answer to that and would respond, "They're God's kids, of course." Then, they would remind me, that my kids are on their own journey....that they have their own Higher Power (and it's not me)....that they, too, are affected by an alcoholic...just like me.
Don't know if that's helpful, your kids sound much younger.
Just want you to know, I'm feeling the anger right with you.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm never sure on this stuff how much is clear thinking and how much is clouded by my own experience, so please take what you like and leave the rest:
My own mother badmouthed my dad constantly, but would never say why. In fairness, he probably deserved some of her poor opinion - though not an alcoholic, he was certainly not blameless. But we were his kids too. Therefore when she passed value judgements on him, she passed value judgements on US - while not giving us ENOUGH information to realize, oh, we're not behaving like that, so there's at least an outside possibility it doesn't apply. Not that I understood any of this until many years later.
Please, please don't call him "the biggest jerk you ever met" when your kids are within 200 yards. On the other hand, DO say, "I'm very angry with "joe" because he's not paying the child support the court says he has to pay, and that means I can't buy you the healthy food I want to buy" - or whatever it is.
(I just realized I almost typed "your father" instead of "joe", and that was one of the things I hated THE MOST about the whole gut-wrenching heart-stomping time. I still haven't figured out why on this one, but when I finally exasperatedly asked my mom to call him by his name, and she did - I felt much better. In recent years she has started referring to him as "dad", and I'm actually not completely comfortable with that either.)
My dad never once bad-mouthed my mother, so even though his treatment of HER was despicable in many ways, his treatment of US was actually better than hers was. (Though it occurs to me as I type this that his behaviour in this might be partly a reflection of his own disconnection from his own feelings. Hmm.)
The kids don't need to know or be burdened with the nitty-gritty and all the details; but to me, they DO need a true if incomplete explanation for the anger they sense in you. Otherwise, they'll be confused, and mistrustful of their own instincts and feelings and totally reliant on their intellect - like me. And it wasn't until I got to Alanon in my 40s that I actually realized it, and was able to start working on another - healthier - way to live my life.
About the text you sent - it occurs to me that if you didn't specifically mention the kids, he may have thought you meant you personally. Maybe not - but maybe so. imho, there's also nothing wrong with telling them (the kids) repeatedly that he's sick, and part of his disease makes him treat the people he loves badly - none of this is their fault. I think you're already doing this, aren't you? You're making so much progress - remember that your kids respond with empowerment to every healthy act from you, even when neither of you understands it.
On the plus side, it may be that the anger has been accumulating for years and is finally coming out. This is actually good, because it means you're not stuffing it.
Wow what an awsome discusion! Jerry, Debilyn, and TTM, I could not have said it better.
(((((((((((((((((QOD))))))))))))))))))))))
I had a ton of pent up anger and it seemed to just come spilling out and last forever. It does pass. It will get better. Stick to your program and HP for direction.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Human, human, human..... that's all we are. We are doing the best we can at any given moment. You did the best you could in your marriage with what was going on. We need to cut ourselves some slack, and not beat ourselves up for what we feel. What's the point? Feelings are feelings. Good or bad, they are what they are. It's how we react to them that at times can get us into trouble.
Having said that, I do believe profound happiness is in all of our lives. It comes in spurts and we just have to take the time to recognize them. For instance, I have always said that my little bit of heaven is when I'm sleeping between Pipers and hubby. She's purring and he's snoring. Ahh... sheer happiness. Another example is when I was in the bathroom at work, and all of sudden a little peaked under the stall and asked me: "What cha doing in there?" I laughed so hard I couldn't stand it. When I look at my nieces and see how much they have grown. When I stop and watch the squirrels frolic. When I accomplish something that I've been trying to get done for a while. When I have really bad days, and come out the other side of it. All of those are profound moments of happiness. I know we all have in ourselves those moments. We just have to take the time to look for them and remember them. Look with pride and love at yourself and your children. Look at how good you've done with all you've had to face. There are your moments of happiness. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Ahh... sheer happiness. Another example is when I was in the bathroom at work, and all of sudden a little peaked under the stall and asked me: "What cha doing in there?" I laughed so hard I couldn't stand it. 
When I look at my nieces and see how much they have grown. When I stop and watch the squirrels frolic. When I accomplish something that I've been trying to get done for a while. When I have really bad days, and come out the other side of it. All of those are profound moments of happiness. I know we all have in ourselves those moments. We just have to take the time to look for them and remember them. Look with pride and love at yourself and your children. Look at how good you've done with all you've had to face. There are your moments of happiness. Love and blessings to you and your family.