The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has been sober now for about 10 days, since losing his job (of over 20 years) due to his drunkeness 3 weeks ago. I'm sorry to say I have not kept up with the enforcement of my own boundaries. When he lost his job, I told him I would not leave him if he got sober, went to 90 meetings in 90 days and remained sober after that. He's been sober before (once for over 14 years straight, no relapses) so he knows the deal and what he has to do. Well, so far he has gone to 3 meetings in 10 days, is working at a golf course and has been doing stuff around our house. Yesterday morning, I was throwing out the garbage, and what do I see in the garbage pail??? I saw an empty box of Unisom (the container was in his drawer). He knows sleep aids are trigger to alcohol, he knows he's not supposed to have them, yet there it was. Also yesterday was his BD. He went and played golf all day and into the early evening. Last night he was telling me about his day of golf, and told me there was plenty of beer there. I said "yeah, and ...." he said he told another guy "I should have a birthday beer", but claimed he didn't. As far as my own thoughts on this, yes he did. But I didn't say anything and I won't. It will just be the same game again if I did, so why open myself up to it. But what I wanted to say was "beer caused you to lose control and lose your job, and almost your wife and family, and you actually could think "I should have a birthday beer!" Anyway, to understand the mind of an alcoholic is fruitless. So I'm assuming it's gonna be any day now for him to start on his bender. I didn't expect it to last too long, so I am trying to put plans in place (came to the conclusion I cannot and will not stay and financially support a drunk), even though it is not perfected yet. Or I can simply let God take care of it for me. I guess I'm kinda venting and sharing cause I was thinking the other day, and maybe this is the wrong site for me to say this on, but in the nice summer weather, while I'm working a 9-5er every single day for a boss that is hard to deal with, I sometimes like to come home after a long day's work and have a nice, cold beer or a pina colada and putter around in my garden. Of course, I haven't done that at all cause I don't want to trigger him, it's just gonna bother me cause I gave up all last summer (get togethers, BBQ's, etc.) cause he was just out of rehab and sober (to not put him in that "tempting" situation), for him to relapse on Labor Day weekend (and drinking strong till 10 days ago) and now I see the same thing happening this summer, no socialization, BBQ's etc., no being able to come home from working hard to have a drink and relax. I don't know, am I being petty???? I mean, after all, what about me??? I'm not the one with the alcohol problem, he is. Yet, he thought yesterday, "gee, I should really have a birthday beer" and plays golf with everyone who drinks beer (and I know he had one cause if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck .....) Thanks for listening.
You know there is a making of a plan be and then implementing it. I well remember the day when I decided I had to move. Whenever it is for you, please know that it is entirely up to you when you do that. I laid down boundaries with the A for years. What helped me was to know I did not have to hurt myself to implement the plan be. I waited, got a place (a not too great place as it was). I felt a lot of internal pressure to do something. Taking care of me was far from my radar. Whenever it is, know that you have to take care of you.
For some people the bottoms are very low. The A who I was with is homeless. He was homeless last summer I helped, he's still homeless as far as I know. I chose to stop picking up the pieces. For me it took a long long time to do that. Whatever it takes, when you do it, know you have to put you first, not worry about him anymore. Turning him over was one of the hardest things I ever did but so essential for me.
I hear you queenie. Golf and beer and beer drinkers and for sure they aren't out there with their wives. I am like you it is crap with my AHsober and crap at work. Mature people can go to dinner and have a drink or have a BBQ and have a drink. My family said that I am a hippocite for drinking because I go to AA/Alanon meetings. Taking my inventory. But I have very mixed feelings about drinking. My kids have confronted me to. My AHsober is on a dry drunk now. I just have to disregard everything that he says and does. It is so self serving ie it serves the disease.
Dear you are an adult,you doing anything is NOT going to make him use. He uses becuz he is an A.
Hey go to your bbq's, socialize, you do not have to give your life up for a disease!! If he feels too tempted he knows where a meeting is, he should have a sponsor. NOT YOUR JOB!!
Remember the three C's??? You cannot put a funnel in his mouth to drink or put a needle in his arm. If he is truly in recovery, he has a toolbox he knows how to use.
So I want to hear how you are enjoying your gardening with a cool drink, and going to see friends!!! hugs,love,debilyn
