The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just thinking after reading some messages and being in the meeting...........that my AH is active, with no desire to stop drinking. I neither have a AH in treatment , a sober AH, or a recovering AH . My AH doesnt want to stop drinking. He "doesnt have a problem". Its "not an issue", and if he wanted to slow down or stop drinking, "he could". He works 12 hr day and night shifts and now just got a job at the same work place and will be working all day shifts. I'm freaking out b/c I love the nights when I'm home alone w/ my daughter. I dont know how I'll be able to stand him home EVERY night. The drinking, the silence, the blaming, the arguing , the discontent, the passing out, the lack of communication etc. I'm very scared. I dont want him home all the time. I dont know what will happen. I'm seeking help through a psychiatrist who says I'm bipolar (but I swear I'm not nuts--I'm very normal --I hate the stigma). Anyway, I try to be silent w/ my A and tell him "I'm not going to talk right now" but he know how to push my buttons and I lose it, and sometimes pretty easily. I think I'll be awhile on Step 1. I'm really, really trying but getting nowhere fast. I'm just lost.
It gets better. I used to project all kinds of disaster to stress on. Like I didn't have enough drama already, right? Change always is hard for us. We hate to upset the status quo. Just remember "if nothing changes, nothing changes". Your HP can handle this. I now have faith that things will work out for the best if I let them. We are here to elp. We understand. Many of us have been where you are.
Do you have a sponsor? Are you getting to face2face meetings? These are important tools of our recovery. With some time and a good strong program you can be happy no matter what your AH does.
Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I would get a second opinion on the bipolar diagnoses. I know I had "manic" episodes and a really serious depression when I was with my AH. But since we have been divorced, I am "normal". I have had times of severe sadness and grief but I believe that's normal when going thru what I have gone thru. My ex is bipolar (as is his father, uncles, sisters) and although I felt that I went thru manias and depressions, I didn't do the things he did in his manias and depressions. So, I may have exibited symptoms but they were situationally induced, not a true chemical imbalance. Living with an active A can drive US crazy. It really can.
I looked like the crack addict when he went on a binge. Physically I was skinny and shakey, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't eat, I was rageful over nothing. It was awful. I had all of the symptoms without doing the drug. Go figure.
If your psy doesn't have knowledge about addiction I would suggest finding one that does. And just keep comming back here. Doesn't matter if you are bipolar, diabetic, a bad singer, or unemployed.....this program is for YOU and it will help you feel better no matter what the A chooses to do!
Jackie, An Alcoholic never wants to stop drinking. Not unless some circumstance or consequence in their life , brings them to a decision to quit. Its taken my A 26 years to finally stop, he got a dui and struck another vehicle. Good thing nobody was seriously injured. Was also suspended from work. Even with all this , I hope he stays on his program, but there is no guarantee that he wont drink again. He knows if he gets another DUI, there will be no bail from me and he can sit in jail forever. A's need to know there are circumstances in their actions. Jackie, I want to enourage you by telling you there is hope in Al-anon. The tools of this program work if you stick to it and take care of you. I have lived with the A for 26 years, at times I felt trapped, lonely and as miserable as anyone person could be. We have been separated, I have kicked him out so ,many times I lost count. I don't know what the future holds, but together or apart, I know one thing. I will be fine thanks to Al-anon and my connection to my HP. When we have a life with an A, its true we don't live like other people who don't have an A in their life, in order for us to live our lives we have to live creatively, spiritually and be kind to ourselves. So I want you to be kind to yourself and don't create in your mind what you think will happen, but create what you want to happen. Take Care of yourself, Luv, Bettina,P.S. I agree with Serendipity about getting a second opinion about the Bi-Polar thing, everybody is diagnosed Bi Polar today. Doesn't sound like you are, the hubby could be.
I wish I had some insight for you but I can only offer comiseration. I recently began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-anxiety/depression drugs to deal with my frequent episodes of rage and free-floating anxiety attacks.
But truth be told, the only thing that stands in between me and a contented, peaceful existence is my wife's drinking. Last night when I got home with our 2 and 1/2 year old, she was stinking of alcohol and clipping/slurring her words as usual. She passes out at 9 and I'm up until midnight caring for our special needs 1 year old and at 5:30 a.m. when the 2 year old wakes up wanting to watch Nemo, I'm back in action while she's laying around.
So this morning I'm stomping around in a rage and just popped one of my new pills (which work by the way) and it brings me to thinking. Okay, now she's got herself drowning in wine and she's got ME on prescription pills!!! Why should I have to be taking mood altering drugs (I am a recovered alcoholic myself...9 years, 344 days today!)? I mean, right now I've got 2 little ones and 2 mortgages and 2 car payments and non-performance on my part is really not an option. So I can't just sit here and be debilitated by her drinking...but I have to wonder, am I taking the easy way out rather than facing down the problem more directly?
Well I think its good to be out of denial. I lived with an A for 7 years, I'm pretty comfortable in general around addicts. I had to become uncomfortable to get healthier.
There are many ways to detach. One is not to argue. I think of it as a discipline. I have to remember that in my life, don't argue with a drunk!
Another is to get very very very busy. One thing that got me very busy was making a plan b (I didn't act on it for a long long time). Another was to start working the steps. I need to remind myself of those too!
In al anon we focus on ourselves, that is such a discipline when all our lives we focused on others. I know I began a whole long discipline of not wondering what the A was going to do next. I think that razor focus helped me. I have to remind myself of that.
mareisie, i guess youre very right about discipline and "dont argue with a drunk". I seem to have a major problem with that right now. I cant seem to stop doing it. I know he is pulling me in but by the time I realize it, I've already said or yelled too much and I cant take it back and "be silent". Thanks so much for your words or wisdom
Thank you ALL for your stories and words of wisdom :))
