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Things have been going really well. I am hopeful, but still a bit reserved. AH had 10 months sober on the 27th and I told him last fall that I would not let him back in for at least a year. So our year is coming up in August, and I have at times recently felt pressured (by myself) to be ready to have him back at home. That was until I worked on letting go. I finally realised that when it was time I would know it.
So AH needed to move from the place he was living. He struggled with Ostrich Syndrome. You know, bury your head in the sand and it will all go away. So I stayed out of it, except when he wanted to genuinely talk about how to come up with a solution. I worked real hard on myself about not solving this problem for him. (That's what I used to do, make every decision for him, so I could feel in control and he could feel like an idiot who couldn't do for himself and had a great excuse to go out and use again.)
So one evening we were talking about it and I asked him, if you can't even manage to push yourself to provide a place for your own one person to stay for a couple or three months, how can you expect to be able to take care of the needs of an entire family. Apparently this spoke to him because he spent the next couple of weeks determinedly looking for a place to stay.
In the mean time, we got rained out for the second year in a row for our sons birthday camping trip. (I hate tenting in the rain.) So since things are going well, we started to entertain the idea of a small older travel trailer to go camping in.
It's amazing how HP works when you are ready and willing to be directed. A few days ago, we stopped by to pay for a last bale of hay that I owed on. The guy has a trailer for sale. I'm thinking he will want more than we can spend for sure, but out of curiosity, we take a look. Its an older model, good condition, and his price is very good, so we decide to make him an offer of a small down and payments for the summer. He says he had a gal interested, but if he didn't hear from her by the end of the weekend, he'd go for it. Long story shot,(well shorter) we got it.
So a couple of weeks ago AH had asked, if he finds a trailer, could he park it here on our property. I say no. I'm not comfortable with that idea. But after all the real effort I can see from him, looking for a place, I can appreciate some growth here. I think back to how many times I have said "progress, not perfection" and "baby steps". I start to really think about the idea of having him parked here, and it starts to sound ok. I stew on this for several days once we know we have the trailer 'cause of course I don't really trust myself and am scared to just make a decision.
I keep thinking I want to ask the MIP group, but don't have time to get on the computer at the moment. I should email my sponsor, but she's out of town for a couple of weeks. I should ask my home group, but the meeting is almost a week away. Then I realize I am just dragging my feet because I am afraid. I know what I want to do, I'm just afraid to trust my own instinct and the guidance of HP.
Finally I talk to the kids to ask what they think and define what is going on for them and then later that day, on our way to get the trailer, I tell AH that he can park the trailer at our property. I put in place a couple of small boundaries for where to park and such, and that's that.
I am still a little nervous about the whole thing, mainly because I am just uncomfortable trusting myself. We still don't have quite all the details worked out, but made a decision between us to work it out. I think it will be like a trial run. Bringing him closer by small degrees will be good.
He told me later that day that he had been really stewing on how he was going to help me with this house. There is a lot to do to get him back in. We have lived in squalor for years, and I finally told him that if I have to live like this it won't be with an able-bodied man in the house. So part of the stipulation for him moving back in is getting the house livable. But its also the busy work season, where we have to make most of a years income in just 4-5 months.
Now he can spend a couple of evenings a week, in between meetings, working on the house. I hadn't even been thinking of this aspect of having him here.
So my AH is now back, just not back in.
Thanks for listening.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen at 20:29, 2008-06-30
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Jen I wanted to be married to my A almost all my life.Though it was a good marriage until the brain surgery only, I have NO regrets.It was horribly painful,lots of loss,still no regrets.
I looked at your situation the same. You won't know how you feel until you give it a go.
looks like you are working on your marriage, that is a good thing.When my A would come back for a few months to leaving them back weeks,gone again,days,gone,then back one day,was abusive and that was that. I have NO regrets.
Must say also,wow you are so strong to have lived like you do, yet not have him come back to just fix things.
I sure know what squaller is. Can't spell it though.haha
Sure hope it works out for you guys.May I say,every day will be precious? That is how I saw my relationship with A. Was very precious.
It was great how you thought it all out too. Gotta say though,when A was here, I was just glad to see and hear him. Expected nothing. He had to do things on his own. He could see what needed done. I am not his mother or boss.
I believe in accepting another as who they are. If I cannot then they need to go away or I will stay away from them.
I would sit down and actually write out with my A what was important to us.take turns making dinner,wash your own cloths? whatever.
Anyway I would invite you to go to meetings,and come here!!! There are books on the sober A too.I found that helpful.
love,debilyn who asks, may I load up a livestock trailor and park at your place???
You have just demonstrated so well the importance of boundary setting and self love - note not selfishness there is a HUGE difference - and displayed a great role model to your children so I am saluting you for your great achievements.
It has been said so often, if one does not love oneself one has no chance of loving others...well you have done that and more. What a way to go.
I am keeping you in my prayers and asking that you will feel that power to continue doing what you are doing for I know it will pay off...just as sure as eggs are eggs. This is the truth in the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."
You have to be in it to win it, well dear, you are most certainly in it and you are winning it. The miracles happen before our very eyes. We are just blind at times and cannot see the wood for the trees. Other times we just have to give it time until the season is right.
Thank you for your share...I am with you all the way...watching, waiting, waving to you as you walk the talk.
Love, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thanks for posting this. Your thought process, how you came to your decision and the steps you went thru to get here. I doubt myself so much and when I stop to look at my process of how I arrive at my decisions, well, I sometimes think I'm nuts.
Your post tells me again that it is ok to make decisons and to love an A. To do what is best for me. And the way I get to my conclusion is not as important as really trusting myself and my motives.
Good luck and thanks again!!!
P.S. I LOVED the conclusion you drew with the fact that if your H couldn't figure out how to keep himself housed how did he expect to help take care of a family. I thought the same thing for years and couldn't state that as clearly as you did.
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