The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The thought of taking care of myself is rather foreign. I always believed that you put other people's needs ahead of your own, and that if you thought about yourself for any length of time it was not a good thing to do. I'm sure I adopted this behavior from watching my mother who catered to my father's (and us 3 kids') every whim and never thought about herself.
After my mom got sick (and eventually passed away), my father had to learn how to do all the things she handled for so many years - dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bills, etc. He was truly lost without her until he remarried. After I moved out of their house (when I was 21) I had no idea how to care for myself because she did everything for us - and she never wanted anything for herself in return. I never thought that I was good enough in any of my past relationships. I got involved with men who turned out to be very much like my father.
Anyway, my "problem" seems to be that I feel selffish and guilty when I put my feelings first. It always seemed self centered to me to want something for myself - I always gave my son the biggest slice of pie, my husband the larger portion of meat, the extra whatever went to someone else. When I shared at a f2f meeting recently, I had great trouble keeping the focus on myself and not on my AH. I have fully immersed myself in my AH and have lost my identity. Al-Anon is helping me find myself. But I feel selffish and "wrong" by this "me" and "I'm important" thinking. Go figure!
I sure know how that feels. It took me awhile to learn that life is full of give and take and my inability to take was part of my twisted thinking. I didn't know how to recieve. But recieving is impoortant because it makes others feel good to give. Also healthy boundaries include getting what I need and some of what I want.
Another thought that I hold close is that my children will not learn how to treat themselves by how we treat them. They will learn how to treat themselves the way they see me treat myself as an adult. In other words, if I go without , they will think they have to go without. If I suffer, they will think they have to suffer.
As a kid, I watched my mother suffer. As a young adult I watched my MIL suffer. I grew up thinking that women suffer, and moms in particular suffered. And so I suffered, until I couldn't anymore. Then I started working this program and I got better.
You will too. Be gentle with yourself. You can learn to love and care for yourself. It just takes time. Eventually the guilt will lay in a stinking pile on the floor where it belongs. You won't have to carry it.
Keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I remember Mother sharing the pretty apple my dad would bring her.She got the wings of the chicken. I got where I would stand up for her.
For me, I LOVE thinking of others,doing for them.Was wonderful to get groceries and get stuff for him,always bought him neat cloths, special treats. Made sure his lunches were yummy. Miss that. Was boring to do for just me, empty.I go thriftshopping and find something very cool,like new very expensive brand new sandals, hmmmwho can I get these for?
I remember feeling guilty for buying me underwear.Took awhile to get used to doing for me. LOL I will get things off ebay and when it comes,feels like a present!
Maybe start small, get some pretty soap,scented candles for a pretty bath.
make sure you have tools ya need. I was so pleased when I started getting me tools. I was pounding dang t posts in with a friggin hammer!! wow there are t post pounder inners!! this cool tool to work with wire,duct tape,scissors I always have these things around now.for me.
Does not just have to be emotional needs.For me I am living my passion.Living MY dream.It is true most things we can have when we work towards that goal. Taking care of you makes you stronger for others,being strong enough to take care of you,makes you a better person. Maybe a leader instead of a follower.
I find great comfort in knowing what I want and need.I don't feel like a boat with out oars.I don't allow myself to be a victum.
Does not mean I am always secure. I am human and hurt too,like with my kids grown up, missing them...
anyway start small, get yourself a box of plants to put into some cool old container.
hugs,debilyn who lived almost homeless so no one would eat her pig Estersue, did it for ME and would not let anyone talk me out of it. And now my little bunkhouse is soooo cute,warm, cool,have all my needs met and Estersue follows me everywhere like a dog, including to the neighbors.
See that is the wonderful thing about finding this board. The post of yours that I just read, I could have written it myself. I still don't do everything to take care of myself properly, but I have learned that if I am doing something "good" for myself to truly make myself better, or to help me stay sane or whatever, the guilt or selfish feeling that used to roll over me like a wave seems to diminish each time. I truly believe there is a difference in someone doing something for themselves because they deserve it or in our cases NEED it, than just because they are being selfish. I agree with the post below, start small and if it makes you feel better do only the things that you can say you are doing to help you mentally, emotionally or physically. Spend $50 on yourself for a back and neck massage to help relieve some of the stress. Or spend $25 on some Al Anon literature to help emotionally. I think you will see, too, that doing these things has nothing to do with selfishness and everything to do with survival. Oh, and go ahead and take that extra big piece of dessert one time, you deserve it!
I know that "it just feels wrong" feeling. For me, it came whenever someone else was working and I was sitting around. I could have been working for the last ten hours, and just sat down five minutes ago, while the other person slept all day, but still I couldn't just sit there and watch them work, I'd have to jump up nad either help out or get back to my own work. Has something to do, probably, with not valuing my contribution, because I spent several years as a stay at home mom, and wasn't bringing in a paycheque. Anyway, no matter what brought it on, it was sometimes very silly, and I had to learn not to do it if it wasn't appropriate. It often caused me to feel angry and resentful.
So, for me, I would think it out, and if it really was appropriate for me to sit down, I would just hold myself in that chair. It felt wrong, it made me anxious, it was really hard, but it got easier. It's just breaking a habit, that's all. Not valuing yourself is a habit, juat like chewing your fingernails is, and can be broken the same way.
AJ - just post a response to Jen topic and it seems so appropriate to repeat part of what I said to her to you after I finished reading your post. And this is the part I want to repeat to you -
"It has been said so often, if one does not love oneself one has no chance of loving others..." and so I say to you too -
"I am keeping you in my prayers and asking that you will feel that power to continue doing what you are doing for I know it will pay off...just as sure as eggs are eggs. This is the truth in the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."..."
Put away the guilt feelings for thinking and working and putting you first...you got to feed you, care for you, and LOVE yourself enough to love others. Least ways, that is my experience and it worked, when I started to look at me, feeding me, caring for me I gave myself value. And when I had given myself value I found others saw that value and began to treat me with care showing I was WORTH IT.
This change in thinking about yourself may not happen over night - yet I can hope and prayer that it would - however, time and perseverance will bring about the change so that you will see that it is NOT WRONG to put yourself first, to place a value on yourself, and show the world that YOU MATTER. Let Go, Let God and it will happen, just don't do battle with it.
With Love Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Regaining our self esteem is by no means selfish. It is a right we owe ourselves. Oddly we were conditioned to believe otherwise. Feel no guilt or remorse for wanting to be whole for maybe the first time in your life. Notice you mentioned the mother finally got sick and died, this for many is the result of not taking care of our needs. It is not selfish to be happy. It is not selfish to feel content. It is a right you deserve and are meant to have. It is what had been missing for so long. Instead of looking at this as a "want to" feeling, realize it is a "have to" project. In healthy families children aren't left holding the bag when they are glad or sad. They aren't met with confusion and despair. Angry words aren't tossed by simply speaking their minds. You are giving back to yourself those things that you deserve, you are reaching for contentment, happiness, completeness. These things need not be considered as selfish but as self care.
Thank you all for your wise words! I never thought that I felt I didn't have value but now that I think about it, honestly, I believe it is probably true.
There are so many areas in my life that need fixing! Knowing where to begin is difficult. I bought a book on Sunday (treated myself!) about How Al-Anon Works. It is a wonderful read so far and I believe it will help me (and others) tremendously.
During these last 6 weeks I have attempted to delve into my mind and figure out who I really am, why I am important, why I deserve a good life, and how did I screwed things up so bad for myself. It is a slow process for me to feel good about doing something good for myself instead of for my AH. I remember buying an expensive ($75.00) pair of sunglasses about 2 years ago. I was shocked I did it. I usually settle for a cheap pair at the drug store. I remember how good it felt to do something nice just for me. I lost myself in my AH and prior addicted relationships. I'm glad to be emerging out of that fog.
Thank you all for your prayers and please know that you are in mine. I feel so fortunate to have stumbled on this website. Thank you so much!
When we grow up in an alcoholic home some of us have "survivor guilt". How can I have, its a way certainly for me to quash the enormous hunger that lies down there. If I'm focused on others I am not in so much pain about myself. Some days the pain is hard to bear. Other days I so enjoy the focus being on me. If someone does not work in my life I have no compulsion about letting go. I stayed with the A for 7 years. I knew really in the first 3 months there were enormous red flags. Now when people cross my boundaries they certainly know it. My boundaries were mashed into the ground regularly before.
