The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am done with it. I am done trying to be the only one trying to make our marriage work. I am done listening to him make drink after drink. I am done watching him drink. I am done watching how he is treating our wonderful children. I am done being treated like a child. I am done yelling. I am done crying. I am done with all this crap.
I am scared. I am scared to leave. I am scared to think what my kids will think about leaving. I am scared of his anger. I am scared to try and make it on my own.
I am sad. I am sad because I never wanted this in my life. I am sad that my marriage sucks. I am sad that he choses to drink instead of have his family with him.
I am leaving. I am leaving because my kids deserve better. I am leaving because I deserve better.
It is your choice to leave or stay, I don't know how long you have done the program or been in Al-anon. That list where you say you are done, thats a do-able list, whether you are with the active drinker or not. I have said I am done also, only to see a ray of hope and only to work my program and find that what the A does is really none of my business, I know it presents a different dynamics when there are children, we have never had any and I'm so glad we didnt, I know that children bring on a whole different set of circumstances. As long as they understand Dad is a sick man ,sometimes you will find that children are more understanding and forgiving then us Adults. You know by now you can't change the alcoholic, but you can change your life. Roll that plan B into motion if you find the solution is to leave. Keep coming back though, put the tools of Al-anon into play. Remember he will always be the Father of your children, which could be challenging also. Luv, Bettina
The best thing I ever did when I got to this place of being done was to surrender. I didn't give up, I tried but I couldn't so I surrendered my will to HP's will and I kept putting one foot in front of the other. The sadness and the fear will lessen. As you see what you can do on your own, not what you can't, you will gain confidence. I think it is a beautiful thing to see someone else who decides that they are worth being happy and content. Keep comming back....
One day at a time, one decision at a time and one step begins the journey...feeling everything you do, know what if is to be done with it. There is freedom in that as well as sadness and the fear will go away once you find the faith to trust, Let Go and Let God.
Hold your head up, take the out-stretched hands that await you, here in this family and take all the support you need to face the future that seems so scary right now. Nothing changes, until something changes.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
wanted to share, I remember being where you are. I agree with it is even harder when kids are involoved.
For me it taught me that I could let go of all you said you were done with. got to where I just wanted him with me, just that and that was all.
Then after awhile, I could not stand it anymore. Being around him tore me apart.
My Mother taught me, when we are done, we are. So if I ever was going back and forth she would remind me when you don't know, you don't.
I invite you to give yourself a day or two and see if the feeling stays after you have shared it. However having your sweet children being hurt, I sure feel and believe you may be ready.
My A was awful ONE time when the kids were small. I was scared to death, got a restraining order and did not see him for ten years.
Bettina wrote:I have said I am done also, only to see a ray of hope and only to work my program and find that what the A does is really none of my business, I know it presents a different dynamics when there are children, we have never had any and I'm so glad we didnt, I know that children bring on a whole different set of circumstances. As long as they understand Dad is a sick man ,sometimes you will find that children are more understanding and forgiving then us Adults.
I really have a problem with this part of your statement because.... My kids are 5 and 2 and even if they did understand that dad is a sick man they DO NOT deserve to be yelled at and screamed at for pitty things because dad is "SICK". Dads "sickness" is brought on by himself. When my 2 year old has an accident and forgets to go potty in the toilet. Dad screams at her and she cries. She is not going to understand that OH daddy had too much to drink today I should just not worry about it. It is not my fault he is "sick". Or when my 5 year old is being a snotty little boy. Dad tells him that he has to go live somewhere else because we don't want to live with a crabby boy. He cries because he dosen't want to live somewhere else. He is not going to understand that dad is "sick" and dosent really mean what he just said. Being sick to a 5 year old and a 2 year old means you are throwing up, your tummy hurts, you need medicine, you need to rest, etc.... My medicine for dads "sickness" is getting the kids to a stable loving envrionment where they don't have to be yelled at and live in fear of doing something wrong. That is how I grew up with my father and I didn't like it. I don't want my kids to have my childhood.
Then I guess you know what you have to do. I know its not easy, I have and AH myself. We are never stuck in a situation. I wish you all the happiness and peace you deserve. Your HP will see you thru, Luv, Bettina
Your safety and your sanity are worthy of your decision. I can understand your post very much. I wasn't able to live with my AH active, either. I set boundaries, he has had his bouts with sobriety and rehab, and as of now we are still together. But only if the conditions are so that he is not using in our house. My kids went through what your kids are going through now, and my oldest son used to beg me not to leave them home with Daddy. How sad.....
We have survived, but only by the skin of our teeth. And who knows what tomorrow brings. Who knows with your situation.... maybe that will be his "bottom". Living One Day at a Time is what is best, and for today, you have found your serenity with your decision.
I think I got to the "done" stage lots of times.For me the issue was what next. The issue also for me (personally and this is my esh) is that the A was only one small part of it. I am still codependent.
Leaving the A was very very very difficult. I raged and raged and raged before I took action. I grieved too which meant that by the time I left there was not that much more to do.
One year out and I am still struggling. The good thing is I have al anon and am really addressing my codependence.
I felt tremendously over responsible for the whole situation. In time I put down what wasn't mine to deal with.
I think that is hard going. The over responsibility was a screen about not taking good care of myself. That's something I am really working on.
You are very correct NO ONE deservers to be abused.
As we continue in Alanon, we learn the addict does not in any way "bring this sickens" on them self. It is a fact that addicts have markers right in their dna.
No one can choose to be an addict anymore than to choose to have cancer.
However you are a very strong, mom, and courageous to face you want to protect your babies and remove them from the disease.
I sure did the same thing. Did not mean I did not or do not love my AH. I just choose to not be torn up by the disease.
I want you to feel supported here!! You and yours are in a very hard situation. Please allow us to support you.
