The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF keeps changing the scenery on me! At Christmas, he had a violent blackout, my own personal rock-bottom. First, he said he was stopping completely. 6 weeks later, at my request, he said he would not be drunk near me or the kids. At the beginning of June, after a night of drinking when he was verbally abusive, he said he would stop completely. He has not been violent or verbally abusive since, but the fear of it is paralyzing. He went out drinking last night, came back and went to bed. I locked all the doors but one, left a key in the car, slept in my clothes in my son's room, locked the bedroom door... and lay awake, worried that he would break down the door when he got home.
I would love to be able to trust that he wouldn't attack me again. I would give anything to let go and let God. But that may mean that an irrational person attacks me or the kids. Sober, he promises that he would never hurt me. But he already has, and to my mind, that makes it likely to happen again.
Heh. Maybe I just need a stronger lock on my safe room, and to tell him again what my boundaries are.
I poured out all the alcohol in the house this morning. I don't feel anything about it. Childish, I suppose. I'll replace it when he notices. Thanks for listening. I'm off to find the next ftf meeting.
Welcome, & I'm so glad you're reaching out for help.
I suggest reading the post from annamae from a few days ago, if you haven't already - so much of it applies here too.
You deserve to be safe. The kids desrve to be safe. There is NOTHING wrong with taking the steps needed to provide that. It is NOT your fault, regardless of anything he says - that's part of his disease, throwing blame every which way.
Let go let God doesn't mean doing nothing. It means taking the actions that are appropriate FOR US, and letting go of the results. Examing our choices about "our stuff" for ourselves - not getting into "his stuff".
Welcome to MIP!! Just some experience? I've worked as a case manager in an Alternatives To Violence program. I would tell my clients that they should expect to be taken from their homes if they use violence. They should expect not to be allowed into the house and the reasons would be reasonable and justified. They should expect TROs and jail time. They should expect to have the police descend upon them with force. They should ultimately expect to be alone. Violence is never justified regardless of the gender of the victim. Of course my clients were males and we know that not only males are perpetrators and the majority have been or are.
Outside of the subject or influence of alcohol...let me suggest that you contact a Alternatives To Violence program and get as much information for your own protection and the protection of you children. They can help you. You are letting the perpetrator into the house and putting yourself and the children in danger. At this point alcoholism is secondary. Alcohol will permit the drinker to do things they would not normally do or are outside of their value system and the perpetrator will then carry the record of it whether drunk or not. In that they can and will repeat that behavior compulsively.
Get rid of your fear of doing the right thing or being critized for doing the right thing or the possibility that you might be wrong (you're not) in your response to what has happened. It is not your right to protect yourself and you children. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your children and you have the ability and the resources. Go talk to other people who are in the business of helping your protect yourself. The consequences of not doing so are unacceptable.
Strong talk from a retired ATV counselor and past violator and caring AFG member. Your face to face meetings are very important go to as many as you can. Your meeting with a ATV office is probably more important at the moment.
"Let go and Let God" does not mean accepting unacceptable behaviour, and it doesn't mean failing to take care of yourself.
It means that healing this sick man is not your job. It means that you can do what you think is best for you and your kids, and trust that God is there for the A.
Just because there is nothing that you can do for him, does not mean that there is nothing you can do for yourself - quite the opposite! Stating your boundaries is a big part of our program, but the next, important step, is enforcing them. You have the right to say "This is unacceptable," and do whatever is necessary to stop accepting it. Whether that means a strong lock or a new house, only you know, and you may not be sure yet. Get some facts - read our literature and go to meetings, talk to the women's shelter, talk to a lawyer, talk to the police. Sitting and taking it is not your only choice.
Yeah, Sylvie, you have to do the footwork and then Let Go. But if you are on the train tracks and a train is comming, you wouldn't stand there and say a prayer that God would keep you safe.....you would get off the tracks!!
You do not have to live in fear. You have choices. You can choose to do what is best for you and your kids. Trust should be earned, not freely given. You and your kids are worth so much more than sleeping in a locked room waiting for an explosion. What would you say to a friend if she were in the same situation?
Let go of the A and let God do the healing. God helps those who help themselves... Stay safe.
I was sad and scared for you when I read your post. The other posts had some very helpful information and suggestions. My brother also has black outs when he drinks liquor, not beer just hard liquor. I never knew until my sil told me about them and as much as I love and adore my brother, I begged her to get out! It is sad, too because he does not have any recollection at all of how he has behaved when he is one of his "black outs", which is even scarier. He has since sworn off the liquor, not the beer, and hasnt had a black out since. I keep encouraging my sil to go and see a counselor though, even if my brother doesn't go with her. I am a victim of abuse from my first marriage and I can attest to the fact that even if the abuse is not physical, just emotional and verbal, it can still have a lasting effect on the victim. Physical violence is horrible enough by itself, but emotional wounds may never heal. And for children, it might be something that they carry with them for a lifetime also. I pray that you thoughtfully and carefully assess your current situation and if there is ANY doubt that your spouse will ever behave like that toward you again, especially around your children, that you will take the steps necessary to get away from that situation and then make the decisions necessary to start healing from it. Gods Blessings and Protection to you. kellia
