The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am absolutely emotionally drained b/c of my AH. I can never do enough.......whether it is cleaning around the house, running errands, cooking, doing things w/ our daughter. I totally lost it this morning b/c I asked him if he could help me hang 1 thing up on the wall and he said he was too tired (at 2pm). I said it would take 5 min. and then he went off about me not cooking dinner and turned the tables on me and what I NEVER do around the house. He turns every conversation back to himself if I'm talking about me or my feelings. It goes back to his feelings or what I did to him. We play a game called "who did what and how much". I"m always told both verbally and non verbally ( he shakes his head at me, throws his arms around, VERY DRAMATIC) that I never do enough of anything and I'm sick of it.
I have been pretty good at saying to him , "Just dont talk to me right now please", but I lost it this morning and threw something at him b/c I flew into such a rage.
I'm an RN on disability for ovarian cancer which I had in '96 & '03 plus have several disc herniations/bulgings and in pain all of the time, so I'm not working. He feels as though since I'm home, I should be the perfect wife and keep the perfect home regardless of my physical pain.
I am just totally emotionally drained. I feel so spent. I'm sick of getting blamed for everything, and feeling guilty for asking him to do a little thing to help me out. I'm just fried, and I'm tired, and angry, and sad that he treats me this way. Thats all...................
There is a page in one of the daily alanon readers that talks about going to the hardware store for bread. Also, someone else's opinion of me is none of my business. It's not up to me to try to change thier minds, it only drains me when I try. You are in the right place...lots of e s & h here. Keep the focus on your care for you, you're worth it! Keep coming back!
I am just totally emotionally drained. I feel so spent. I'm sick of getting blamed for everything, and feeling guilty for asking him to do a little thing to help me out. I'm just fried, and I'm tired, and angry, and sad that he treats me this way. Thats all...................
In the Getting Them Sober books they say they can tell we are married to an alcoholic just by looking at us. As evidenced by what you said above. Can you get to a face to face meeting? You are not alone. I learned the hard way that (in my case) the AHsober will not and cannot be there for you especially when you need them the most. I had back to back shoulder surgeries and he spent a couple of hours with me and left.
wow, I can so remember feeling this way, too. I hope that you are getting to some face to face meetings. I attended 3 a week for a year and a half like clockwork, no questions asked and it got me to a better place eventually. Now I am doing very well although I chose to leave my AH and we are in the process of getting divorced. Just here to say that it works if you work it and I know how you feel. Hugs, J.
All that pain and drama and lack of love and you show up at a place with tons of people to love and understand you. We are not here for your alcoholic just for you. We don't give advise. We do offer suggestions that worked for us from our own personal experiences or from the experience of watching others recover in this program.
Your story is so normal for an alcoholic relationship...not bad normal. Unless someone changes you can only expect more of it because what you are experiencing is very usual in an alcoholic relationship from both or all members.
Something or someone has got to change and for you it has already happened because you checked in with MIP and lots of members of the Al-Anon Family Groups worldwide. We have been where you are at at the moment and we can empathize with your story. You have people to listen and understand. We got the same thing coming into the program and the empathy is what caused me to continue to come back and do more listening, learning and practicing. I continued to change...she continued to drink. I got sane she stayed drunk and doing insane things. I stepped out of the drama and chose a different role to play. I no longer raised my hand to her or even got explosively angry.
The program is for people who want miracles in there life. The miracles of peace of mind and serenity are here for the taking. All you have to do is get into the program, sit down and listen, read the literature and learn the steps, traditions and slogans and get a sponsor...then practice the whole thing daily while attending meetings regularly. Even mental health professionals know how powerful and amazingly well this program works and the program is free with the exception of the literature and even some of that is free.
If you got to the place where you threw a thing/missile/weapon...at him the drama is evolving into violence...you might want to get to meetings in your area as soon as possible. Look for the hotline number to Al-Anon in the white pages of your telephone book and call for help.
You are giving me so much to think about, not that I havent thought about it subconsciously, but have been in absolute denial about the whole thing w/ my head buried in the sand.
I have been active in the chat meetings and reading the forums and have gone to 1 f2f meeting / wk.....guess I should go to more
I know all of this is for myself and my 12 yr old but I'm so afraid of losing my husband and my marriage and being alone. Not like I dont feel alone right now though. I feel very helpless, hopeless, afraid, and alone. I'm very scared and feel very unappreciated and unloved.
Thank you all again and if anyone else wants to add their experiences, I'd welcome some more. ((((((hugs)))))) to all !
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are certainly not alone as you can tell. You know from having cancer that recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
A very smart person once asked me when I was in a relationship (not an A) in which things were a struggle this: Are you lonlier with him or without him? I didn't quite get it. Until I realized that all the angst and all the emotional turmoil we were in was just like being alone. I was trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I was trying to live up to his standards. I was never good enough. (In whose eyes? I set pretty high standards for myself!) Did I really want to live that way? No. That relationship soon ended.
Now with my AH I've asked the same things over the past couple of years. When he drinks, he pretty much passes out and that's the end of it. In one way I'm lucky because I just go on with things. He doesn't really bother me. There was a time and a place where he did and I did make him leave. The serenity was amazing! Now it didn't mean that I didn't love him. I did and still do. He is now back at home and continues to drink on and off. That's his choice. I still have my serenity. Thanks to this program.
You have been through so much and survived. You will be able to survive this too. Alanon will give you the tool and power to make the decisions that are in your best interest and your daughter's. Keep getting to those meetings and join us here. You know how much better you feel when you do. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Reading your post definately brought back memories. My AH told me, when he was in one of his 'recovery' moments, that one of his 'tricks' he used to pull was to purposefully make me angry so that we WOULD get into an argument so that he would then have an excuse to go out and use and drink. How special is that?! Have to say that I was more than a little bit angry when he told me that but it made perfect sense. I don't know if your A is doing that same thing, but don't let yourself be defined by what your A says. Anyone, for that matter. If you know you are doing all you can do, then what does it matter what anyone else says. They only have the power to hurt you if you allow them to have it.
