The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so at the end of my rope here in Alabama! I don't mind saying where I live. My husband has been struggling with alcohol (plus other) addiction for the past 3 years. He has been to rehab twice and all of a sudden....even though he wavers back and forth between recovery and active add. he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about addiction. There is no reasoning with him and HE TELLS ME that I need to be a part of Al-Anon!! Seriously?? Don't get me wrong I know I need to be here meaning a part of this group, but to have HIM tell me that! I just wanted to smack him in the head! I get so angry at him because when things are going well (meaning he is in the recovering part of the process) it's almost like he TRIES to mess things up so that he can fall off the wagon and be back in active addiction. Then when that happens, he wants to use the addiction as his crutch and proceed to constantly tell me that because I am NOT an addict there is no way that I can ever comprehend what he is going through. That's usually when he starts to tell me how and when to work my program. But don't let me ask him about his program because then I hear "You can work my program for me so don't worry about it". Is there ever any end to this insanity. And yes, I know the definition. Thanks!
Well, Welcome to Al-Ananon , anyone living with an active drinker can sure benefit greatly from the program. One thing where your husbands wrong, is Al-Anon is not about the alcoholic, its not to figure out the alcoholic. Its about YOU!!!!! Gee , what a surprise.!!!! You took the first step, so thats great. Keep coming back and share and read the literature for Al-Anon, read the board, we have all been where your at. We haven't heard anything new so far. We learn to detach from the A and create a life for ourselves that we can live with. Luv, Bettina
(((Kelli))) Glad you are here. We like to say you came to the right place. I also live in "SWEET HOME ALABAMA". You would be well served to start attending face 2 face Al-Anon meeting in your area. Just like here at MIP, at Al-Alon meetings you will get great support from people just like yourself, who have been where you are now, or maybe still are there. You need to start taking care of yourself. You need put yourself first. That is what I heard at my first f2f meeting two years ago and I thought, "How Selfish". That was not the way I was raised, that can't be right. But, you know, it was. I learned if I did not take care of "ME" first, I could not even think of taking care of anyone else. Kelli, things will get better, not overnight, but you will be suprised. If you have any trouble finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area, let me know in a future post and I will be glad to help you find one. I attend two meetings each week, they changed my life. "Start Your Recovery"!!!!!!! P.S. You know in Alabama we always have to ask. Do you say ROLL TIDE or WAR EAGLE ? RLC
Welcome to MIP! That is how we know that they are alcoholics because they all act like they know it all. I spent a lifetime believing him. My AHsober still says everything he does and therefore justifies is his addiction. But I have to stay out of his story because I have my own issues as an Alanoner. Go to meetings and grab the literature. There is help.
ROLL TIDE!!!!! I am SO GLAD you responded to my post! I know there are people all over the world who are dealing with this but it helps to know there are people 'close by' that are out there, too. Actually, we are in a 'recovering' period right now four days strong but I am not breathing a sigh of relief yet. I have learned that four days, even though that is a step, is not steady on the road yet. Unfortunately we had to go thru a DUI and the loss of yet another job to get to this point, but I keep praying that THIS is the time that will make the difference. I don't know, we'll just have to see. I do know though NOW the importance of taking care of me. When this journey first started about three years ago, I didn't know anything about this or how to deal with it. I was definately one of "those" who thought I could love him out of his addictions OR that if he loved ME enough he would stop and everything would be ok. It took me a very long time to figure out there is nothing to those two schools of thought. And that his addiction has nothing to do with me. Actually, I credit him for helping me through that part. It helped me hearing from him, that he loves me more than anything in this world and if he could just STOP he would do it for himself and me, too. But as you know, it's just not that easy. But again, thank you for the words of encouragement and thanks to everyone that responded to the post. I am so glad that I found this site.
welcome to MiP! i'm sorry you are frustrated. as much as i want to disagree with your AHusband, he does have a valid point.
His program, his failures, his path are not for you to worry, be angered by or otherwise distract yourself with. It is hard for us to see things clearly with a lot of chaos, but there are a few undeniable truths. None of us are perfect.
If his bad behaviors are too much for you, it is your responsibility to make an open/honest attempt at communicating that he is crossing your boundaries. Talk to him about what frustrates you. Let him know. Speak up.
Most of us who have become enmeshed in alcoholic relationships have isolated and lost our voices amongst the constant chaos. I'd really like to encourage you to find a face-to-face al anon meeting, where people you can see, hear and touch are there. It is a testament to courage to put your feelings out there, and I've found that al-anon f2f meetings let me practice in a safe place with emotionally safe people who could hear my anger and understand where I was coming from.
I apologize for the bluntness, but it was the best I could comment at the moment. We do say "take what you like and leave the rest", meaning you can choose what you can use.
Bright blessings to you, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
welcome to MiP! i'm sorry you are frustrated. as much as i want to disagree with your AHusband, he does have a valid point.
His program, his failures, his path are not for you to worry, be angered by or otherwise distract yourself with. It is hard for us to see things clearly with a lot of chaos, but there are a few undeniable truths. None of us are perfect.
If his bad behaviors are too much for you, it is your responsibility to make an open/honest attempt at communicating that he is crossing your boundaries. Talk to him about what frustrates you. Let him know. Speak up.
Most of us who have become enmeshed in alcoholic relationships have isolated and lost our voices amongst the constant chaos. I'd really like to encourage you to find a face-to-face al anon meeting, where people you can see, hear and touch are there. It is a testament to courage to put your feelings out there, and I've found that al-anon f2f meetings let me practice in a safe place with emotionally safe people who could hear my anger and understand where I was coming from.
I apologize for the bluntness, but it was the best I could comment at the moment. We do say "take what you like and leave the rest", meaning you can choose what you can use.
Bright blessings to you, cj
I will...the funny thing is that he is easier to talk to when he has been drinking than when he is sober. That's horrible but unfortunately true. I will keep going on though. I have learned enough about this in 3 years to know that I can't allow his sickness to make me sick. But what I cannot get him to realize is that some of the after effects dont just harm him, they harm all of us, i.e. the loss of jobs. Right now, he is really floundering and I dont make enough at my job to keep us afloat. Fortunately, we have family that knows what is going on and they help out financially, but it is still damaging to my self esteem to know that we in our late 30's have to depend on Mom and Dad to support our family.
what a lot we have to turn over! We have to turn over so much when we get into recovery. There is no convincing people they are out of line. Holding those boundaries under fire is tremendous isn't it? Glad you are here. I've been the point of exasperation and back many many times.
what a lot we have to turn over! We have to turn over so much when we get into recovery. There is no convincing people they are out of line. Holding those boundaries under fire is tremendous isn't it? Glad you are here. I've been the point of exasperation and back many many times.
Maresie.
Thank you. It helps to know that there are people out there who are trying to stay with their spouses even through the rough times. I have had so many people tell me "You should just leave him" or "You may HAVE TO leave him to make him wake up" and they just don't understand that I could 'leave him' 15 times and that doesn't mean he will ever stay sober forever. Exasperation is a very good choice of words. Sometimes I just want to SCREAM and I guess if I think about it, I probably have screamed and cried and begged and pleaded and things will get better for awhile then as soon as he thinks he has it "licked" he will fall right back into it. I can tell though that I am getting better and better each time. I used to cry alot and then I got angry alot and now, well, I still get angry some but I don't ever cry anymore. I still try to throw guilt at him alot but now instead of doing it to try to make him "snap out of it" and get "better", I guess I do it to make myself feel better. Instead of bottling everything up like I used to, I go ahead and say the things that are on my mind. I know that sounds bad, and I know that may still be a problem of co-dependancy, but I can't help it sometimes. I would rather get it all out at once than to bottle it up and then EXPLODE over something trivial.
I am SO GLAD you responded to my post! I know there are people all over the world who are dealing with this but it helps to know there are people 'close by' that are out there, too. Actually, we are in a 'recovering' period right now four days strong but I am not breathing a sigh of relief yet. I have learned that four days, even though that is a step, is not steady on the road yet. Unfortunately we had to go thru a DUI and the loss of yet another job to get to this point, but I keep praying that THIS is the time that will make the difference. I don't know, we'll just have to see. I do know though NOW the importance of taking care of me. When this journey first started about three years ago, I didn't know anything about this or how to deal with it. I was definately one of "those" who thought I could love him out of his addictions OR that if he loved ME enough he would stop and everything would be ok. It took me a very long time to figure out there is nothing to those two schools of thought. And that his addiction has nothing to do with me. Actually, I credit him for helping me through that part. It helped me hearing from him, that he loves me more than anything in this world and if he could just STOP he would do it for himself and me, too. But as you know, it's just not that easy. But again, thank you for the words of encouragement and thanks to everyone that responded to the post. I am so glad that I found this site.