The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been to 5 alanon meetings and 4 forum chats here (which were awesome) so far. My husband is an active A. He has no wish to stop drinking. He had a DUI several yrs ago which didnt faze him. Now our daughter is 12 yo and is noticing his drinking , the amt , the time spent at the bar, etc, and this absolutely tears me up. When she sees him "passed out", she knows its because he drank too much and she knows the difference. His drinking has gotten worse in the past 6 months. He'll go out several nights a week for several hours and come home 12am -after. I get sick at the way he looks, smells, acts. I just want nothing to do with him. And I dont think its fair. He has a disease , I know that. The problem is, is that he doesnt want to get better.
Sooooo, I'm just starting to work the program and praying that this helps me and my daughter. She is doing alateen. I'm still in anger mode and still scream and pick fights over the drinking, amt of beer cans, amt of time he's at the bar etc, and I know that I need to NOT SAY ANYTHING ! I'm trying though. I'm sad. I'm scared. I dont know if I still love him or if our marriage will get through this. I think I love him, but I hate his appetitie for the beer. It takes presidence over everything, usually including us, his family.
I could use some help in getting started or some good inspiration from anyone who would like to offer some info , advice, or hope. Anything would help me at this point.
Welcome to MIP and to the Al-Anon Family Groups. Gosh you are doing the right thing and as you continue doing it more and trying to fix your alcoholic less your life will start to become more than you could ever have expected on the positive side of the scale. Your daughter is in Alateen also? Good decision and good for her. I was an Alateen sponsor for 9 years and I have seen so many miracles with the young people. They respond faster than the adults to recovery because they don't have as much time in the problem.
It's good that you don't disturb your alcoholics drinking. The more that he does by himself the less that he includes you in the consequences. Besides there is something about feeling pain all by yourself that makes you want to go look for help. Let go and let God...you have never been alone thru out this whole thing. Now you have us and the program. What more can a needy person ask for? That my experience strength and hope for now.
Welcome, keep coming back. Keep getting better for you and your daughter's sake. Keep asking questions and continue going to face to face meetings. I found the literature read on a daily basis always gave me food for thought, new understanding and a calm that I hadn't felt before. Unfortunately their disease is progressive and does continue to get worse, so glad you are finding your own health, awareness, acceptance and options. Save arguing it's stuff craziness is made of. Welcome home.
I'm glad you have found us. Sounds like you got a good start. I'm so happy to hear your daughter is in Alateen. Getting to the point of not saying anything is hard, but it will happen if you keep working at the program. It took a long time for me to learn that my AH's using was not about me. It had nothing to do with me, and he was not doing it TO me. He was sick.
Keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I'm still in anger mode and still scream and pick fights over the drinking, amt of beer cans, amt of time he's at the bar etc, and I know that I need to NOT SAY ANYTHING !
Hi Jackie:
I recall the "anger mode" phase that I went through. I recall all the rampages that I went on due to my frustration and fear. I also recall gradually coming to the realization that it was best if I didn't say anything, but I continued to do so because I didn't know what else to do. (I'm not the slient type)
However, through educating myself, my understanding of alcoholism evolved, and I become less and less angry and fearful. It's not easy, but learning to be non-reactive is feasible. I never thought I'd come so far. I've truly learned to "let go." Believe me, I didn't begin the journey of understanding until I was at the end of my rope.
Here's part of a poem titled "To Let Go" that I used to read a lot:
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
By taking care of yourself, you are truly giving others, including your husband, a precious gift. You may not see it right now, but you will if you continue to find answers.
