The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My MIL called me at work today and we discussed my AH - poor decision on my part to engage in a conversation at work about him, especially with my MIL. She just doesn't "get it." She is heavily pressuring me to take him back. She accused me of drinking during our 5 year relationship.You drank, why are you mad at him for it? I admitted to her that I used to drink, not in any way on the scale of my AHs drinking, but that I quit drinking 4 ˝ years ago. She makes me feel so friggin guilty! I told her that I would love to have my AH in my life sober! She says he told her recently that hes been good - for about a week now and he really wants to come home. She feels sorry for him. I don't. She says if I don't take him back he'll end up hurting someone or himself; he'll have nowhere to go; he really misses me and wants to come back home, etc.
He thinks hes coming back next weekend (even if he has to kick down the door!). I gave him 2 months to get sober he had a list I wrote out of stuff he needed to accomplish - but he hasnt done any of them yet! How can I possibly let him back into our home?? Since he left, I feel so much better.Its peaceful around here. Theres no one around to lie to me and drive me crazy!
Ive put up with his drinking for 5 years now. Ive kicked him out once before for a month he stayed with his mom during that time and didnt drink well, thats what she said. Prior to him leaving this time, Ive made him sleep on the couch, Ive slept on the couch, weve slept in the same bed with a barrier in the middle, Ive not talked to him for days on end, Ive searched his car, the bathrooms, the toilets, underneath all the beds, in the closets, the tool room, outside the house, etc., etc., you know, the insane stuff.Then I found my way to an Alanon meeting and I know that I never ever have to do that insane routine again!!!
I really want to hold firm to the boundaries Ive set up. I dont want my AH coming home only to drink and lie again that would only make the situation worse to say the least. I dont believe my AH can come home and stay sober but thats what hes telling his mother and she believes him and she wants me to believe it too but as you know, I dont believe a thing that comes out of his mouth! I will not let him back in the house until he works a program of his own.
Whoa, whoa AJ. Stick to your boundaries and your program. Don't let MIL pile the guilt on you. Go get your hairbrush and literally brush it off you. When it hits the floor, stomp on it...HARD!!! Kick it out of the house! I know this sounds silly, but often, when I act out a solution in a silly way, it helps a great deal. Try it.
Take good care of yourself, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your MIL is just prolonging the agony. You don't have to take on that guilt. You don't actually have to even talk to her.
Keep coming back here and venting and reading and learning. You are doing great.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((AJ))) I like to say no one gets this program right 100% of the time. No one practices it perfectly all the time. In my short period of 2 years I have seen people who pick up on the program quicker than others, and you AJ certainly fall into that catagory. Be proud of yourself, because we sure are. My AW's Mother works for me, has for 16 years. Telling me MIL experiences, guilt trips, my daughter does no wrong, is like talking to NOAH about the FLOOD. I understand, if you know what I mean. Now keep doing the right thing. RLC
Diva, Jen and RLC: Thank you for your e-mail replies. Diva, I certainly brushed that right out of my hair and kicked it out of my front door! Really, I did it. Thank you!
I've been thinking about it this morning and have decided that God can handle it much better than I can. Why do I sometimes forget about God? Whenever it starts to pile up on me, I feel so alone, then I remember (light bulb goes off!) about God! What a relief it is to know that there is someone greater than me who can handle all of my problems. Thank God for God!
Today is a new day. I told my AH yesterday (yes, he called me @ work too!) that I'd call him today. I'm going to an Alanon f2f meeting @ 10 this morning. My God is great. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!
I keep the Serenity Prayer on my fridge so I never forget which way to look for comfort and solutions. I also keep my daily reader right now it's One Day At A Time last year it was Courage To Change open on my computer desk to that days page. I learned a billion years ago, his mother "won't get it", so I don't waste my energy going into any of it with her. She sees one thing and one thing only...Her baby. That's her business anyway, keep taking care of you and your business. That's the road to serenity.
Yeah, my soon-2-B-X MIL did some of that too- they do it because THEY don't want to have to deal with them because that is where they often go: back to mommy. My MIL said to me for years: 'Oh, this will pass, it will get better! with a huge smile plastered on her face and pat me on the top of my head, practically. I cannot believe I took that for so long- I would call her up and meet her for breakfast for advice, etc. and all she did was placate me. Then I quit. I now understand that she is affected by the disease, too- and feel compassion for her. Its such a bad scene all around for everyone. All we can do is focus on ourselves and let all the others continue their own path with their own HP's watching over them. Hugs, J.
