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We are mid fifties and have been down 25 years of hard road due to my wife's drinking. I am ACOA and codependent of course and drink next to nothing. Maybe 6 drinks/year. She has progressed from 6 beers/day to 18 beers/day, every day, over 30 years. Yes, I said 18. Her drinking has killed any relationships with friends and family. It has cost her high paying jobs as well as the expense of the drinking and smoking (3 packs/day). In spite of it all I love her dearly the first few hours of the day and absolutely hate her after the beers kick in. Our 4 adult children barely speak to her. The drinking is destroying her physical and mental health. On June 6, out of the blue, she admitted herself into detox and a 30 day inpatient treatment center. This is my happiest event in 25 years together. It is also the scariest event. Just like we are supposed to do, I have over the years been able to detach myself to a great extent from the effects of her drinking, until now. The last few years I could have really cared less if we stayed married or not but the codependent in me would not let me leave her. I was still pretty detached when I took her to detox. She moved from detox to a residential facility June 10. The first time she was allowed to call home and I realized she was in good spirits and committed to being sober, all the turmoil came back. My detachment walls all came crashing down. I can't wait for her to call and I am happy while talking to her. The minute we get off the phone my stomach knots up. I am worrying 100 times as much about her health and how life will be when she comes out. Will it stick? Will we still like each other? How am I supposed to act? Are there key subjects to avoid? I could probably write 100 other questions. I am not really asking anyone her to answer the above questions, just explaining what is whirling around in my head.
I went to Al Anon for a while years ago with the "why should I have to do this" attitude. I have started Al Anon again, this time with the proper attitude after my daughter got me into a codependency book. I am also trying to read everything I can on living with a recovering alcoholic. I guess I'm looking for some tips on a fast way to get rid of these gut wrenching feelings. I truly love the woman and want to make our marriage work since it appears she is really trying. Every day she sounds more committed, and in good spirits for the first time in many years.
Suggestions on a good book about living with a recovering alcoholic would be appreciated. TIA
Hi John and welcome. There are many people here who can give you good information, but I want you to know your story touched me, and I send you positive energy and prayers.
Sincere good wishes for your lady's recovery and a happy life to follow. COme back often.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
So you came to the well for a while so to speak and tasted the program for a while with two different attitudes. Coming with the right attitude and right focus will bring tons of different, positive consequences. I hope you stay. There are more men in the program today than before and recovering males supporting recovering males is very positive. There are other recovering males on this forum and we have been thru what you have been thru. You didn't get here overnight so be patient and persistent along with open minded. It will take time in recovery and practice to regain your balance.
Any of the Al-Anon daily readers and other texts are perfect for those who have questions about "What do I do now that she is not drinking (different than being sober)." One day at a time in Al-Anon is one of the foundation stone text for our program. I started with this daily reader when it was the only one available. How Al-Anon Works is our manual and for me a must have book to be kept close and available. Courage to change and Hope for today are more recent very good. You will find meetings that are based on the language of these books. There are many others available to you some of which are out of print but can still be found. One of our most recent publications is Opening our Hearts Transforming our losses. In time you can build a pretty good library of Al-Anon recovery books. That and getting to meetings, learning the steps, traditions and slogans and finding a sponsor will pretty well put you on the road to your own recovery. Don't hesitate to tap on the shoulders of the other recovering men in MIP. We have all been there also.
Thanks Jerry. I have read enough over the years to have a pretty good idea on how to survive while she was drinking and was doing okay. I think it's called "detached with love". Now I am just totally lost as to how to act when she makes the "recovering" status. They wrote the codependency theory about me...
I am reading my old How Al-Anon Works from 12 or so years ago. I had a handle on the First Step years ago. The spiritual Steps aren't so easy for me. I grew up in a fairly religious family but all of the tribulations of living with her drinking and the effects that I allowed it to have on me caused me to lose faith many years ago. I don't know how to get that back but I intend to work on it. Where I live is a seasonal tourist/snowbird area and right now there are very few meetings in the summer. I have committed to going to open AA meetings when I can't get to an Al-Anon meeting. I am open-minded and I love that woman so much I want to dedicate my life to supporting her properly without coming across as controlling and all the other things we tend to do. I fully intend to stick with the program and stick with her. I fear feeling shut out while she is doing what I know she has to do. I am fighting jealousy already because she is insulated from life's daily BS that I still have to deal with. I'm stuck at home with her 29 yr. old son from a previous marriage. He is bi-polar and about 8 weeks into recovery from drugs and alcohol. He just spent 3 months in the hospital, five weeks of that in ICU with a rotten pancreas due to his drinking. He can't hold a job for more than a few days and her therapist has already said that the two of them do not need to live under the same roof. What do I do? He has no where to go and no income. We are trying to get him on disability but that can take forever. If he is living on the streets she will be so upset I don't know that she could work her program for worrying about him. It's a no win situation with him. I intend to do my best to handle this stuff but I'm having a tough time right now. Too many emotions whirling in my head. I did a search on living with recovering spouses before I posted. Some of that was scary to read where the recovering person comes across as self-centered, selfish, full of themselves. I know that it's supposed to be "one day at a time" but I have not quite figured out how to get to that point yet. I think that if I can get through the first few months after she comes home I will be okay and we will be okay. Sorry for the rambling but tonight my brain is a whirlwind of extreme thoughts and it's hard to keep things in order.
Welcome home John. It's scarey when this disease wears the face of a loved one. Courage To Change is a powerful book. You mentioned trying to take one day at a time and at times feeling even that is too much, no problem...give yourself the option to take one minute at a time. My favorite motto is just do the next right thing. Keep coming back.
Hi John, welcome. My husband just came out of detox, started drinking again, got a Dui, and now he has been sober for 14 days, he is going to AA twice a day and doing the program, after 26 years , we have been married 24. Now, He is very quiet and introspective. I started to panic a little bit and get off kilter from it. Some of my old doubts came back for about a day, I faltered and started to feel sorry for myself, because actually I thought the way he was acting had something to do with me, but then I realized, he could be trying to push me into an argument, to fuel his drinking. We are the provokers you know. I read my One Day at a Time in Alanon book and got back into the program, today is a much better day. I just try to act natural, I dont probe him about his meetings, unless he wants to talk about it. I don't ask too many questions. I go about my day as usual, its really been quite nice and peaceful. Try to absorb as much as you can about the tools of Alanon, because when they are sober it does bring about other issues. I think you are very willing and sounds like your on the right track. Quit calling yourself a co-dependent, I cant stand those titles they put on people. Were couragous people , After all it takes more guts to stay then it does to go. Keep coming back John. Be Happy, Luv, Bettina
John, Welcome to MIP. We have much in common. Our age, our wifes drink of choice, number of years being an A. etc. I will admit I drink twice as much as you, I have about 12 drinks a year. LOL . I have been in Al-Alon two years , and been coming to MIP for a little over two months. My A never went to rehap, she just started going to AA three years ago. At that time all the things you stated about your AW had happened to my AW. The increase in as I like to say the "can count", the health problems, loss of job (Officer at a Bank). I'm sure you have done all the crazy things I did. All those things we felt we had to do. Count cans, find the new hiding places for the beer, cover up for her so the friends and neighbors would never know. Only to find out they had known for years. I like to say looking back on that situation, trying to protect, and cover for the A was like trying to hide an elephant in a "strawberry patch", Impossible. My A went almost 6 months without a drink after starting AA three years ago. She became active again and still is active. She goes to at least 6 to 8 AA meeting a wk. The reason I mention all these things is because of the simularities in our situations with our A's. When your AW gets home I hope your life will be better. But, know there will be changes. You will be dealing with a person you know and love, but also a "new" person you don't know but "still love". She will be working her program as hard as she can. If I could offer you any advice it would be to go to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can before your AW returns. Then make meetings and coming to MIP a regular part of you life. Take as much as you can from Al-Anon and MIP, then be willing to give back to others the experiences,and knowledge you have stored up from 25 years living with an A. I attend two meetings each week. It's not about our A's, it's about us. It will be hard to put yourself 1st, it was for me, but it is a must for you recovery. Takes a lot of practice. Won't be all roses. But, your life will get better, and stay better because now you will have the tools to make that happen. Keep coming back. John, One more thing with just a touch of humor intended. When your AW gets back from rehab, all her friend and relatives are going to be so proud of her, just as you will, and they will all tell her so. But, no one, I repeat, no one, will tell you how proud they are of you for living with her for 25 yrs. You can always know many members on this board have been there and are there, so we know what you lived through. RLC P.S. I have a son who lives in Clearwater.
Greetings and welcome back to Al-anon. Your story is near and dear to me... this is the path I was headed down with a very smart, business oriented woman (who preferred beer/escapism rather than loving communication). With working this program consciously, I've been able to let go to much of those anxieties (such as that you might be carrying) about her getting better or worse or nothing at all.
It seems to me, that you obviously care deeply for this woman... whether that be from your codependent nature or familiarity, it doesn't matter. When I was consciously making choices as to what MY future was going to hold, I had to lay out all of my feelings on the table. I was only able to get to that point by lots of communication with people who loved and accepted me... i.e. (my al-anon family). So I would like to take this moment to encourage you to start regularly attending face to face meetings. I say this because it is the ISOLATION (for me, at least) that kept me only having my thoughts and my worries, anxieties and obsessing; I had noone to share these with... When I began sharing these things, the stress of it all diminished "HUGELY"! It was 1 of my miracles I experienced.
I also would like to address, specifically, the anxiety you have been feeling since she has been in rehab... the worry, the tension. My sponsor told me over and over and over, "If you think about something out of your control for more than 5 minutes, CJ, you are obsessing over it. When you find yourself doing it, you have 2 choices: 1. keep those fears and worries in your head or 2. call someone who is (emotionally) available (i.e. another al-anoner) and get the CRAP out of your mind, verbalize it, and be able to let it go.
On this board, we are instructed only to talk about literature from Al-anon and AA. With that being said, I would like to encourage you to continue searching for literature, both in and outside of the program. It is my experience that some authors have been able to really connect and give experience, strength and hope. Specifically for me, Anne Katherine and Melody Beatty have played a significant role, giving me good insight on "Boundaries" and "Codependency".
There is lots of literature out there, and lots of advice. Al-anon gives something above and beyond all that, and for me it has been many miracles of healing and living. There is no wrong way, and if I were sponsoring you, I would advise to be gentle and easy with yourself. You've been in this emotionally stressful relationship for a long time, and it will take time to heal. What I can say with no doubt is that you will heal, if you put in the time and learn what the Al-anon program is all about. I promise!
If you ever have any questions, concerns, or just want another guy to listen, you are welcome to use the private message function or my listed email address.
John, this website and the face to face Al-anon meetings CAN open a whole new world to you... it takes courage to take the next steps, no matter how big or small. You are worth it. Your wife is worth it, too. She needs to walk her path; you walking a path of recovery can only benefit both of you.
love in recovery, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Wow, John, alot of experience, strength and hope for all of us. That's how Alanon works when we share. Well, here is my experience, strength, and hope. I have been married 34 years. My AHsober hasn't drank in over twenty years. He quit on his own, later went to AA meetings, and then quit the program. He walked out the door 3 years ago when our last child graduated from high school. He said he didn't love me, probably never did, and was giving in to his addictions (no booze but computer games, TV, anything that would take him out of his feelings). Was I devastated? Yes. Do I still love him? Yes, with all my heart. Can I do anything about it? Tried counseling, talking, and yelling. Do I want my marriage? Yes, he has asked for a divorce. He is a dry drunk and I am told that he has a right to live his life the way he choses (or that the disease choses for him).
So 12 step programs don't save relationships I am told but they save individuals. I go to meetings, read the literature, call my sponsor, ask my higher power for help, and hope that some day I can truly let go. This program is for us and our sanity. All the best to you and your wife.
Thanks so much for your reply. It all makes sense, I just have to figure out how to work it. I went to a meeting this afternoon. Nice folks. I'll be back. I am reading one of Melody Beatty's books now. I really appreciate the offer of support. I might just take you up on it.
To everyone else that responded, I truly appreciate all of your insight and support. Maybe someday I'll get this figured out so that I can pass along what you guys are giving to me.
Welcome John - lots of good stuff here. There is one specific Alanon booklet on this topic called "Living with Sobriety" - kinda brick red in color, about $3 at your f2f. I still keep mine in my bathroom; it was a big help to me in early days when my hubby was newly sober and I knew nothing.
Thanks again everyone. Keep the tips coming. I really appreciate it.
We had our first visitation Sunday. It's truly amazing what 3 weeks without alcohol has done for her looks. That and a proper diet has rolled 10 years off of her face. She is happy, in great spirits, and committed. I heard all of that on the phone but to see it in her eyes and facial expressions lifted a hundred pounds off of my chest. I still worry some about the medical consequences of 30 years of drinking but I'm trying to put that in the ODAT bucket. My whirlwind emotions are slowing down some but I still get hit with them late at night or if I wake up during the night. It's getting better.
You know one of the best books I have read is a biography of Bill Wilson by Susan Cheever (I think that would be al anon approved). The life that Bill W and Lois lived was far from easy in sobriety. I really came to love the program founder after that. I saw her as being very real rather than an idol.
I don't know that my codependency kept me in a difficult situation. I know having left the difficult situation I am still very much codpendent. We do tend to focus on our problem spouses, problem children, problem bosses. Getting to ourselves is pretty tough. I really did believe for most of my life I was pretty healthy, apparently that is not the case. With or without a spouse I am deeply deeply codependent, reactionary and have a hard time living.
I'm not sure that is very helpful but the issue is with you rather than with them. The more you can focus on you rather than on what they are doing the better. Of course that is pretty hard going. Nevertheless we have so little control (if any) over others it is really important to keep bringing your mind back to just that.
I hope your A does get sober. I also hope that you make a choice to look at your codependency no matter what the A does.
