The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, after allowing my alcoholic/drug abusing H back in, only a few days later, I have thrown him out. In the past couple of days, he has antogonized me, accused me of cheating on him, cornered me, threatened me... demand that I go to bed when he goes to bed (I enjoy watching tv late at nights alone by myself)... And worse he is cheap with his money...
I am the bread winner, and he lives off of worker's comp which only is $720 a month... I make 4 times that much in a month, pay all the bills... He is supposed to be out looking for a job, but refuses to... I not gonna drag this out... his family did an intervention, but from what I have seen in the last 3 days, I don't see an "effort" to change on his part...same old bully, very insecure, controlling, verbally abusive...threatening to do bodily harm to me, because I refuse to jump when he says jump... Is that mere stupidity? He was crying from being homeless on the street, so I let him back in to put a roof over his head, and here he is starting his "xxxx" all over again...????
Then he goes through my cell phone and calls my father who lives in Florida crying about our problems. Not once have I told my dad that my H has been abusive to me, because my father would kill him. He left my dad 3 long voicemails looking for sympathy... my dad calls me up to find out whats going on, and I finally admit to him that I have been dealing with this crap from my H for the last 2 years, and my dad hits the roof.... he is furious and demands that I put my H out NOW.... So that it what I did..
I feel guilty for not telling dad, but at least now I know there's some kind of reinforcement... My H got upset to learn that my dad wants him away from me, and he has told his family and twisted lies to make it seem that its my fault for opening up to my dad, and now because of me finally admitting the abuse, now my H can't live with me... Isn't that crazy? My H blabs his mouth to the whole wide world about our problems...his family, friends, strangers, you name it, he tells everything... I have never told my family any of my personal affairs, and now the one time that I do, he blames me... and he's saying his family is mad at me for doing so...
I'm just glad I can vent here... I feel so embarrassed and ashamed...
Blame, blame, Its like a hot potato isn't it. Well, at least you will have a few days of peace and quiet, enjoy, but with the A you never know what kind of trouble they are stiring up . My family knows very little about the A and how my life has been. You don't want anybody interfering with your decisions or life. Parents and friends mean well, but they don't understand if they have never lived with it. I have thrown my A out so many times, because when they get out of control you have too. Were women , we don't have the physical strength sometimes to deal with them, especially when the A wants to take a whiz on the carpet, thats when he is out of here. It's pure craziness. I read somewhere in Al-anon that to argue with the A is to argue with a bottle of ketchup. So I cut out the lable of a ketcup bottle and put his name on it and stuck it on my refrigerator. Don't waste your energy and breath and spirit on trying to be right, you never are with the vacant. Put all that energy into this program , use the tools, read, detach, do something for yourself. My A is 16 days sober, after a DUI and suspension from work. We don't know what the A will do. But we can rely on ourselves and develop our own good judgement and make the best decisions for our life. Keep coming back, it works, if your work it. Luv, Bettina
There is a great old saying..... "you did the best you could, with what you knew at the time"....
Try not to be too hard on yourself - learn from what has happened..... his reality is that he sounds like he has had a lifetime of being pampered and getting his ways, so he's not likely to "change his stripes" after just a few short days....
Time to focus on you, and what you need to do.... for YOU.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm trying to pull it together...just can't believe how manipulative he is... He even pulled my little girl to the side and told her "are you on my side, or Mommie's side?'
Grrrrr... always putting my little girl in the middle with our affairs...he needs to grow up!
Who needs late night TV when you live in all the drama for real? LOL What you have just described is part (only) of the insanity of alcoholism/addiction. It gets real insane depending upon what part you choose to play in it. We do play a part and that is why Al-Anon exist.
I would suggest that you put your script/role down for a while and get to alot of face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area and meet alot of recovering folk you have been where you are at who will share their experience, strength and hope with you along with the rest of our program.
There is a better life waiting for you if you want it. You have to "suit up and show up" at the meetings, take your seat, sit all the way down and begin. The other opportunity is to continue playing your part in the drama.
You have choices. You can waste time feeling embarrassed and ashamed or you can accept things are so out of control that it's time you get some help. Often times we too must hit bottom before we come to our senses and admit defeat. This disease is cunning, powerful and wicked beyond belief. Find out what your options are, who has answers, what you are willing to do to get yourself healthy again. It's been said, they are sick and we are insane. Personally, I see now how much I fed into the chaos. I'm not proud to admit my part in it, but if it saves anyone of you out there doing the same then I will humbly admit my part in it. Sad how sickness felt comfortable for so long. It also took an amazing toll on my physical and mental health. We come to a point where we just wake up and ask ourselves is this the life I really want to live? You can only fix YOU ...find the courage to try it.
There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, especially here. I can understand with your family. But remember they don't love you any less because of what has happened. It sounds like you are moving in a direction that can only be healthy and positive for you and your daughter.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It is doing for you what is in your best interest and your daughter's. Unfortunately your husband's disease is progressive unless he seeks help. Your recovery is progressive too, but in a much more positive way. Do what is best for your and your daughter. That's what matters. Your a strong woman, and I have no doubt all will be well very soon. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
