The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first share and I am struggling. My husband has been out of rehab for 21 days and everyday I am feeling our saga is coming closer to the end. He is completely shutting me out and I am not handling it well. I married him for better or worse for sickness or health I believe that when you are married you are one not two people anymore. I am having a really difficult time being shut out totally and I know people say to concentrate on my own recovery but I have screwed up tremendously in my life and I have had to face those things and people and suffered the consequences. But I didnt do this I have always followed my husbands lead through all decisions in our house. I just feel he does not love me or care where or what i do from here so I am in a huge deliema. I have three small kids and I am just sitting here wondering do i leave to see if he cares about me at all or do I stay for the sake of the kids and HIS recovery. These are only a sample of the million things and decisions going on in my head. I need advice I need guidance on what I should be focusing on. I dont want to lose this relationship but in the same breath I dont know how long I can live in this.
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I dont want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
aha STARK RAVING SOBER is where he is at hon , lower your expectations and it will pass , he is struggling to stay sober hanging on by a thread he can't be who u need him to be right now, i hope u are attending al anon meetings for yurself if not please for both your sake start now it is the best way Iknow of to support thier sobriety . we learn to stay out of thier face and off thier backs and we do it with love an understanding . He is facing life sober for the first time in yrs and it ain't easy for anyone ,relax enjoy the sobriety , he is full of guilt and shame at the moment and dosent know how to act sober believe it or not THIS TOO SHALL PASS. take care of you and hopfully he will find support in AA . good luck Louise Some times a hug can say alot don't take his with drawing personally he simply dosent know what to do next ,
Early sobriety is so hard. Many A's withdraw. They haven't dealt with a flood of emotion for many years if ever. It is so painfull for them. My AH had a period where he cried constantly for a couple of weeks. Others will have a hard time with other all consuming emotions. Leaving them to thier won space for awhile is hard for us. We are also so starved for company it hurts us too. Face2face meetings help us get out some of the pent up frustrations and fullfill our need for companionship. Others there will know right where we are cause they have been there too.
I've heard it suggested that we not make any big decisions for 6 months when we first get into the program. We need time to get some perspective.
Keep coming back. It will hopefully get better, but its not instant.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Welcome to Miracles in Progress and congrats on having the courage to start reaching out to other people. The only ADVICE I can give you is to find an Al-anon meeting in your community and start attending regularly... this place is also a great place to write all your feelings down... so keep coming back.
What we share here is Experience, Strength and Hope. Everyone must learn what is right for them and their situation. Noone else can tell you how to do it. With that being said, I do want to call your attention to your earlier words.
"I believe when you are married you are one, not two people"
Most of us that have struggled with codependency, or have had addicts/alcoholics in our lives probably tended to believe that, also. It is how most of us learned what marriage and love was all about, because it was how our parents modeled it. Unfortunately, most of our families were also affected by this unhealthy thinking.
People are individuals. We have and need boundaries for our emotional safety... sometimes our physical safety, too. Boundaries protect us by holding bad behavior, manipulation, or any other deviance at a distance... so we can see it for what it is and NOT have to be responsible for other people's behavior, other people's feelings, other people's morals, etc.
You are not responsible for your husbands anger, sadness, frustrations, bitterness, etc. On the flipside, you are responsible for your happiness and sadness, your resentments and anger, etc.
I have found that attending al-anon meetings has given me a safe place to vent those frustrations and take stock of what is mine and what is my partners. It MUST be separate. Alcoholism is progressive and fatal disease... the chaos that addiction brings into the family is insanity. I urge you to seek out as much al-anon and AA information as possible -- and get your butt to some meetings!!! I will personally guarantee that you will feel better. We will refund the misery.
We also say, "take what you like and leave the rest" -- meaning, it is up to you to find what works and doesn't work. There is not a right or wrong way to work this 12 step program. It takes courage and time to see things in there true perspective, and IT IS SOOOO WORTH IT!
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Good to have you here...now you are not alone and have connected with tons of people who have been where you are at now at one time or the other and for the very same reason....alcoholism.
The definition of alcoholism states "...the alcoholic affects everyone they come into contact with." Some people use to say that one alcoholic will affect 20 other people in their lifetime...I believe that number to be very low but it doesn't matter because as a result of my being affected I did the very same thing you just did although I didn't use the internet. As a result of a call to the Al-Anon hotline number in my area (after calling the suicide prevention center (my own) and help in emotional trouble (again my own)), I went to my first face to face Al-Anon Family Group meeting in Central Valley Ca. and it saved my life. That is what worked for me. I have since found out that it was precisely what has worked for thousands others so we have confidence that we did the best thing.
You are one of the affected and it feels soooooo crappy; worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My soul and spiriit hurt. I hurt all over and I didn't think it would ever end. I was certifiably crazy went I got to the doors of the AFG. Now I have my life back and I wouldn't trade this life for anything else in the world. Nothing else can hold a light to it.
I wish this for anyone affected by the disease of alcoholism. There is a way out and that is by going in to the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings. Yes the member of MIP are loving, supportive, knowledgable and certainly real. Their stories and yours still make my breath come in short gasps at times...because I know what it's like. In the face to face meetings I get to see the stories, the before and after...the miracles and I get to sit face to face with them before, during and after the meetings and their body language is most revealing of their recovery.
Find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your local white pages and get to as many face to face meetings as you can in the next 90 days. You will be amazed as what happens and what your learn. Your alcoholic goes to his and he has been affected by the disease. You have been affected by the disease, go to yours. Fair, Honest and Just.
He can watch the kids while you are at your meeting.
