My marriage and the love of my life... - Al-Anon Family Group

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

My marriage and the love of my life...

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, you're here now, you have this program and you have choices. You can choose to keep him in your heart as THE love of your life or you can choose to relagate him to A love in YOUR life. Who said he has to be THE love? I am guessing he said that once or twice.

Now, in your step one that you wrote out I do believe you could have stopped after "I accept I am powerless over the situation. My A divorced me." That's it and that's all. WHo cares what he said as his reason. Who cares if he married the Queen of Sheba. Who cares! Yes, your marriage is over. You can leave out the resurected part because NO ONE not even your ex knows the future. In the meantime, How about you start living YOUR life. When I let go of someone I have both hands free. And freedom is quite powerful.

Your HP is restoring you to sanity as we speak. He is healing you thru this process. You don't have to wait. It is happening. I can see it, can't you?

You were A love in his life. Ofcourse you were. He loved you. This is life and it keeps happening. It doesn't stop once we think we have our Happily Ever After. We can try to put the brakes on and tell HP that this is good, this is where we want to be, but has that ever worked for anyone? I haven't seen life pause in the good moments. Have to take the good with the bad.

I don't think you are insane. You sound like a woman who loved deeply and who had her heart broken. Takes time and life to heal that. What a blessing you have both and HP and us in this program to walk with you!

Do you think it is really him you were in love with? I was in love with who I thought my ex was, who he told me he was, sometimes with who I knew he could be. I was in love with the idea of having an intact family. I was in love with the dream, not so much the reality. Because the reality was pretty bad, especially at the end. There was fear and physical violence and every single nasty rotten thing anyone could come up with. And a man who could do that to me, the mother of his children, his wife, well, that is NOT a man I could really love. Not really. I was addicted to him, I was brainwashed by him, I was obsessed with him, I was afraid of him. But when I think of what I now know as unconditional love (the love I have found in these rooms) I am beginning to understand that what I had for him might have started out as love (in the only way I knew how to love back then) but turned into something God doesn't even recognize as love.

I too, feel that once we were married in front of God that nothing can destroy that. And that's ok. Doesn't mean that God doesn't want me to be happy, to move on. I think I will always remember the nice, sweet, loving times and I will love that part of my life, those times that WE shared. I will love that part of MY life, not him, just those memories. And if for some strange twist of fate he got all better and came back today and wanted to try again, well, no. That ship has sailed. I am a different woman from the woman who fell for him.

I love me. I am having a passionate love affair with myself. I have fallen in love with me. And someday, I will feel this way for another person. I let my ex go with the idea that he would come back. And he did and it was awful. Live and learn and then move on. That's what you are doing and you are so courageous. You are an inspiration. I am sending you much love and light. Thank you for taking us along on your journey.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

What Serendipity said. There are tears in my eyes at the beauty and wisdom and grace of her reply. Thanks (((((((((seren))))))))).

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Suzannah)))

Well, I hope to learn from you, as I completely understand the struggle you describe. I am still in the beginning stages of the divorce process and my AH has someone else. Like you, I want to get to the top of the mountain so I can be done.

I loved Seren's reply. She is actually one of the people who have broken my "theory" about it being easier to move on when you have someone to move on with. She did it with herself, and in the process is healing herself so that someday she may have a healthy relationship with someone who is right for her. That is what we need to do, Suzannah.

For me, it is difficult to come to terms with not being loveable or enough for him. And yes, it is a blow to me too that the the woman he picked is who she is and so very different than myself. But, she is ill too, and thus is a symptom of how sick he is. On the other side of the coin I think, what if he had someone really great? What would that mean and how would that make me feel? There is no good way to look at it. I, too, was more in love with the concept of marriage and family, perceptions, and what I thought I had and should be, than I was with him. I waited for life to get better year after year. I never would have given up because of the vows I took and what I percieved to be a secure life that we built together. Denial seemed to serve me well for a long time, but it actuality brought me to a place of no return. Truth be told, we never really had a whole lot of fun together, but I loved him and wanted the best for him and was always willing to enable and put myself second so that could happen.

Sometimes I get fearful and fantasize that someday he may actually "get it" and want his family back. "Fearful" because I know reuniting would be setting me up for pain again (and he is a completely different person than who I married) and I could never truly trust and be happy, and "fantasize" because I just want him to reject her and love me. Bleck!

You know, Suzannah, although we need to move on from the past, I think it can be helpful to remind ourselves on occassion of the bad stuff and translate that into how life would be if that had continued or to suddenly appear again in our lives. Instead, I think it is easier to imagine them changed and how we would want our life to be. Unfortunately, that is not reality and we don't do any favors jumping into that realm cause it ain't gonna happen.

I'm glad you shared and are addressing this issue. I have faith in you.

Blessings,
Lou

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Ultimately, our recovery and happiness rests on how we establish a solid sense of self and being. Happiness based on such externals as relationships, marriage included, possessions, etc is a relative happiness. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances. It is a matter of what you feel inside; it is a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day with a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose, a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. This sense of satisfaction we cannot get from other people, places or things.

We must find a way to live cheerfully and vibrantly, regard everything in a positive light with a spirit of goodwill and move our lives in a positive direction and keep our eyes firmly focused on reality, if we can accomplish all of this, it is a more priceless treasure than any other possession. Luv, Bettina

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh my dear Suzannah, you are so very wise. All of us are with you on each step of your journey, and your God is holding your hand. You'll make it, dear one. Remember...one day at a time...

I don't know what else to say. But you know my prayers and positive thoughts surround you.

Diva

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe we arrive at the exact moment we were intended to arrive. I also believe we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I have heard the teacher arrives when the student is ready. Be gentle with you, your progress is moving at the pace that is perfect for you. This too shall pass. One day at a time. But for the grace of God there go I. How important is it. Let go, let God. Make sure we aren't too tired, too hungry, too angry or too lonely. In our life scripts we don't see all the mountains and trials and that my friend is a blessing. We are tenderly given only what we can handle. You're not alone, your HP has never left you. We are here and care deeply. You are so very important, cause honey..."God doesn't make trash." Relax, don't beat yourself up with the would have should haves...your past is exactly that...your past. Create new dreams, new adventures, new goals, new successes. You are so worth it.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to give you a great big (((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))), because you are special to me.

The mountain isn't so high as you think. When you pass above the next cloud you will see it is a series of small peaks, not a single great big one.

Love in recovery,

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I really needed these responses by all these brave women...

Just want to say, I relate to your feelings about the vows.... I believed in the vows too. However, he truly did not. I was powerless over that. The vows I took, kept me with him for 26 years.... because I held a belief that THAT was what my god (and my parents....) expect me to do!!! Only since coming to al-anon, have I realized that my real Higher Power is MUCH more compassionate....MUCH more understanding... MUCH more wise....than I could ever begin to imagine. That at the time I married him... I only knew what I knew. It felt right... AT THE TIME. But things have a way of changing over time. People change. And Divine Intelligence KNOWS THIS!!!!

And so, I've loosened my views on vows. They seem too unrealistic, too man-made to me, just for today.

Anyway,
this past week, I found myself feeling deeply depressed again...thinking that life is hard (and it shouldn't be) and he must have replaced me by now....blah, blah, blah...
After a few days, I was finally able to remember, that we suffer because of our thoughts (and beliefs).... and that we are probably resisting "what is." I decided not to stuff and repress my feelings this week, but rather....just be with them. I decided to allow them. I don't always do this. I usually tell myself that I need an attitude adjustment and quick! So, this week, I told myself, " I am unhappy. I am unhappy because my marriage has ended. I am unhappy because he couldn't change..... he couldn't treat me as an equal partner....He's probably found someone else....on and on and on....goes my story.

My story. It's just a story. It's a story that makes me feel unhappy. Because in my head, these things should NOT have happened to me. Reality is, they did. I am suffering because I am arguing with reality.

This week, I read, We cannot be unhappy without an unhappy story. If I don't mind being unhappy.... what happens?

I am exploring this. But, I am finding that I am not as depressed as I was.

This may all seem strange, but I personally need guidance on how to Let Go. I need more of a process to help me...

Anyway, I hope this helps.

You are not alone ((((Suzannah))))

.

-- Edited by glad lee at 22:04, 2008-06-28

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Suzannah)))))

You touched my heart, as you always do my dear. As long as you stay close to your HP you will make it through this.

We are always here for you to help you every step of the way. You are a special person, and I believe that life has some very special things in store for you. Follow your HP wherever he may lead you, and you will find the peace you seek.

With Love,

Claudia

Du_Jour · Newbie

I am a recovering addict and my wife came into the program thru Al-Anon. she has years of recovery where as I have less that 18 months. I had noticed for years she has become more and more apathetic, uninterested and distant and she continued asking me to leave and kicking me out at times rather than attempting to work toward progress. One thing I see now, is how she twisted things to favor her position by using some tools of recovery offensively and with resentment. She displayed adverse actions when practicing detaching and letting go by using them as weapons. I would guess this was to provide her convenience to carry on with her dark secrets and distance herself more and make herself inaccessible. It appeared to provide her control and power and she prided herself on being able to be independent and not have to have an answer or account for where she goes, who she sees or what she does.

She is my wife of 23 years and has by choice decided she doesnt want to love me and doesnt want to be married to pursue a new love interest (she confessed a few days ago there have been many for some time /some which she met thru the program.. grrr.. ouch) and she chooses to let our relationship die.

Because in all honesty there is hope and God desires reconciliation, it is his plan for mankind and the mission He entrusted to each of us. She has become vicious, unreasonable and cruel to me and puts me down and demean me as a person.

It hurts like hell.

I have a hard time understanding how someone who was so tied to my soul could betray us. Not just me. The marriage and family suffer. How can you choose, not only to break the promises and vows, but to intentionally inflict harm and pain onto another.
Regardless, I still love and want the very best for her. I just pray the contempt and animosity toward me can be removed and her heart once again touched with flesh not stone.

I have no control over her or what she chooses.
As for myself, I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and I meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad

The test of love is to stay when you want to leave, to give when you feel empty, and to love when it is hardest.
DonnyRay

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Suz)))

I can understand your struggle and grief trying to get through these complex thoughts. I used my sponsor and my home AFG, along with al-anon literature (there are some great materials about grief/loss that are available) to get me over the hump and see a happy life AHEAD of me.

I have found that I do not have to stop loving the people that were in my life. The people that are gone, that have chosen to not love me, that have chosen their addictions first (where my boundaries have denied them into my inner-being); they are all still a part of me. They are a VERY important part of me, for they have guided me to this program. This program has taught me how to not just live, but live well. Noone will "replace" those people.

I changed my thinking. I do not dwell on how much love I've lost. Their love was never mine. My love is my love... it is me that chooses to give it or not give it. I like to give it; it makes me feel good. If I am working my program and the steps, I stay honest and able to give love (and be emotionally available for whomever, including myself).

I changed my thinking. I have an infinite amount of love to give. I look forward to meeting all kinds of new people throughout my life. Using my program tools and skills (ie. healthy boundaries, listening/trusting my innerself, keeping the focus on MY behavior), I can keep away from fearfulness. As Jerry F. mentioned in an earlier post, the opposite of fearfulness is trust. I trust that if I keep focused on "my side of the street", Higher Power will walk with/guide me down my path of serenity and peace. That leads to me being responsible for my own happiness, joyfulness and freedom (from fear, anger, sadness, etc).

with love and hope,
cj

round3 · Senior Member

(((Suzannah))) I know exactly what you're feeling. I've had both a marriage, and a relationship with the "love of my life". They were not with the same person. My marriage wasn't to my A (the love of my life). I married a responsible, generous man - and said vows before God that meant something. The marriage, however, didn't last. The heartbreak for me was that I had promised God something that I didn't fulfil. That still bothers me.

The relationship with my A, on the other hand, was one that I felt I would never get over. (And perhaps I won't.) My commitment to him is in my heart. But something that I've learned in these years we've been apart is that I am not a part of him, nor is he a part of me. We shared time and space together during parts of our lives. But I have no control over his feelings for me (or anyone else), or anything he chooses to do (or not do). This is true whether we are dealing with an A or not. But I think the fact that we're dealing with A's makes it especially true.

When my A and I broke up 11 years ago - I didn't know where the love was supposed to go. I still had an overwhelming love and devotion to him - that he had no interest in, any longer. So I decided to take all of that love - and turn it over to HP (whom I call God). I knew it would be safe there. And it was. The burden of dragging around a broken heart and a life full of disappointment and longing for what could have or should have been - was eased. If God gave you this marriage - then certainly He will be willing to take what's left of it (what's still in your heart), and hold onto it, so that you can be free to enjoy the rest of your life. Let go and let God.

Obviously releasing your ex-husband from your life will not be something that happens overnight - but I think the fact that you're using the steps to do it - will help you tremendously. You're definitely on the right track.

Peace,
R3

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you every one for taking the time to respond. Your words are so full of love and care and support; I have a lot to think about... it has taken me years to arrive at this recovery point.

I know I needed a safety net before I could contemplate doing this, and this family has provided me with just that.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.