The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a wonderful just turned four year old son. I adopted him from Guatemala as a single parent when he was 5 1/2 months old. He is effervescent, smart, sociable (with adults) and loves life...plus adorable! Yes I am bias but he really is a great kid. As I continue my journey to emotional health,I still struggle with obsessing about every little potential thing he does that looks "abnormal" He has struggled at preschool, in terms of play. He withdraws himself...primarily when he can't figure out how to resolve a conflict and then plays by himself. I removed him from one school because he kept saying he didn't want to go and there were too many children and now am having the same problem at the new school. The teachers say to keep making play dates. They think his personality is great and that he is well balanced. His socializing with one child is great. I am hoping it is just a developmental thing and everyone assures me he will outgrow it. My problem, I had such a difficult time as a child with relationships so I am pertrified he will follow me. I say the serenity prayer and then go back to obsessing, I call my sponsor and then go back to obsessing...yikes!
What a situation needing a change me solution. Obsessing and fear. "Obsessive, compulsive disorder" is what was given to me. It's changeable over time and with practice in the program. So you have the handle, "hold on and keep doing what is suggested".
For me fear was a big (biggest really) emotional characteristic I was a slave to until I found out, 1. I could choose my emotions. I could let go of the ones I hated and choose more positive ones to use. 2. Learning that negative emotions have positive opposite ones. I hated feeling fear and found the opposite was feeling faith. I have practiced feeling faith now for along time and rarely ever get that head clogging, stomach crunching, chest constricting fear feeling. 3. My HP is in faith and never in fear. 4. An easy understanding of the process of fear is in the acronym for it; False Evidence Appearing Real. It's mostly false evidence that I was letting control my program and reactions. Now I investigate prior to responding if I respond at all. 5. "If I hate feeling it...feel something I like." There is something in everything that I can appreciate rather than reject or feel threatened by. 6. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems." I can accept that something is not the way I think it should be or see it as being (I can be wrong!!). I'd rather accept the fact of a thing rather than project fear into my life and future because it isn't how I think it should be.
This is only a part of the program process that supports my life today...there's more.
I can see that your son is very loveable to you. Is he enough as he is at five and a half years of age or does he have to be more before you feel less fear? Your description of him at this age reminds me some of me as a male child just being introduced to this place called the world. I reacted the same way your child has done under similar circumstances so I am going to call that normal under my natural 5 and one half male child person rules than my older more sophisticated parents conditioning. At 5 and a half years of age to be expected to live up to some standard that it took my 35 year old mother years to arrive at is crazy and that is what it was, crazy or crazy making and in later years it might have fared better for me had I come to some of those understandings myself and I did through experincing differences...just as my parents had. I came into a career working with younger adults and children and was good at that. That assessment came from the young people themselves and I believe that it was a result of empathy and compassion...remembering what it was like when I was 5 and a half years old and older until I got to an age that I could reasonably fit into the masses of people who populated the face of the planet without being shunned to much or too often by either the majority or myself. Maybe you can remember what it was like being your son's age? Were you also adopted? Were you also male in gender? (not a joke a realization that gender matters for real.) Was your fear then as large as your fear now? Did you isolate when something scared you and did you isolate when you just wanted to be alone for a while? Was either one wrong or just appropriate in your own young personality? Empathy...feeling with. Compassion feeling with understanding. Both are God like characteristics as I believe that my HP has treated me and continues to treat me in His/Hers love.
Sometimes is best to let the child be the teacher and counselor than to assume it as solely my right.
Keep coming back. Yours with love and service. (((((hugs)))))
This might be a case where knowing more will help you, and give you some perspective.
I used to worry so much, when my son was about seven, that he was too "twitchy". He always seemed to be fidgeting, blinking, screwing up his mouth - something. I really started to focus on it, and started badgering him to stop it whenever I caught him, which of course made him worse. And then I spent a couple of days in his second grade classroom as a teacher's helper. Nearly half the kids in the class were doing the same thing! That classroom was a mass of writhing, thumb chewing, blinking, scratching little kids. In other words, this is a normal phase that many kids this age go through, and no big deal. After that, whenever I would find myself focussing on his behaviour, I'd remember that classroom, and make myself calm down.
Sounds like his teachers aren't too worried, just think he needs a little more practice. So, give him the oportunity to practice his social skills, and allow him to be who he is. Maybe he will always be better one on one than in a group - so what? This is not an affliction, just a different way of being. If you can, maybe try to spend some time with his class and when you are there, don't watch him, but watch the other kids. You will probably see several kids who don't work too well with the group - it's not rare, and it's not fatal.
My husband and I are both loners, and so no surprise both our kids are too. So, I've raised two children to late teens who have always done better on their own or one on one. Since we never saw it as a problem, (after all, it's the way *I* am, and I'm OK) they never did either, and haven't suffered from it. YOUR focus on this is likely to be the biggest problem your son suffers from it.
I agree wholeheartedly with the others here. The only thing I can add is to consider that when we focus on what we persieve to be a fault, we tend to focus less on the good points. Children need lots of positive reinforcement. In the long run focusing too much on negatives can have them feeling things like they can do nothing right, aren't good enough, etc. I did this to my son who is now 8 yrs old and am working now to rectify that.
I had to look real hard at myself and why I reacted the way I did. You didn't say how you landed at an Al-Anon site, but if you are afected by someone elses alcoholism, past or present, then I would suggest finding a face2face meeting near you and start working on you. Your son is very small yet and they are so resilient at that age. Believe me when I say its much more important to work on fixing yourself now, so you can help him adjust to the big world later.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Why read in problems that do not exist. He is not your biological son and will not inherit your genes. Keep it simple and move on with your life. If you do not trust what the doctors say, find new doctors. I suggest you give it time.
