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Have not been posting for a while having probs with my computer. been attending meeting twice a week and the programme is slowly starting to sink in. Went to a conference at the weekend closed al anon in the morning and open AA in the afternoon. WOW did HP send me guidance. My AB has been missing for two weeks again got drunk and let me down on the 16 anniversary of my sons death.
When I went to the conference the merry go round cycle smacked me in the face. He drinks I run and rescue fix things He faces nothing I persecute because i ahve been hurt He feels bad guilty hates himself OH and guess what he drinks again to feel better
I have been going through a slow process of change but finally realise after the conference what i have to do. This time I am not chasing trying to fix everything I am waiting for him to contact me he has been round once drunk but thank HP I was out. When he does get in contact I will not punish he is ill but I will set my boundaries. I dont want him near me when drinking. We carnt live together till he sorts his life out I am not responsible for him.
I forgot to mention a day or two b4 he went on the bender he went to his first AA meeting (just to please me and stop me from leaving him I think)he never slept for two days consumed with guilt. I am learning so much about this illness I do not hate him but am aware only I can protect me.
anyway hope this share helps someone I feel a lot clearer.
What struck me in your post was that it was about your behavior in response to him. What I've found is that my behavior with or without an alcoholic is usually hyper reactive, defensive and I am subject to rather than subject of.
I know we all generally start with the alcoholic's behavior. Believe me most of my posts for years were all about HIM. Now my posts are about me and what I do and how that isn't working for me. I don't think it ever worked really which is one of the reasons I ended up with the alcoholic.
For me personally I think its also important to know and see that no matter what I did for the alcoholic who was in my life it was never enough. My people pleasing is so deathly that I would literally people please till I dropped dead. I've had instances where I did not go to the doctor because I didn't want to displease someone. Then I was furious that I was put in that position!
I'm glad you are here. All of us who have to deal with an active alcoholic deserve a great deal of support. What I'm saying is that when they are gone we still have issues, plenty of them. Indeed I'm grateful that knowing and living with an alcoholic brought me here otherwise I'd still be out there doing the same old dance. I can't do that anymore.
Taking him out of equation is very difficult for all of us. Obviously that is a huge transition and some people (no judgment here) opt never to leave. I'm not in the leave him at all costs bastion but I do know that with or without the alcoholic I have plenty of problems. Changing the dance I did with the alcoholic was one tiny part of my issues.
That is what I had to do also...immerse myself in program letting go of all control and the alcoholic and just immersing.
You shared some of the same experiences that I had from doing the very same thing....meetings and conferences are huge for me. Living on an island we need to fly out to get to conferences with the exception of the few we have during the year and what worked for me there was getting in touch of soooo many other brothers and sisteres in recovery and having the recovery message fortified and expanded with each conversation and meeting share.
What I learned was that the disease will always let me down. It is not a disease of sanity and normalcy and I learned to change my expectations and truthfully let go of all expectations.
Most important was that I learned what my cycle is when things don't meet my expectations and the insane things I do to keep the merry-go-round turning. These are the only things I can change after applying honesty and willingness to them. I learned that I could complete an insanity cycle in just a few maddening minutes.
My expectations of her getting sober left me. The hope that she would didn't and I prayed that she would escape the disease without wanting to be there when it happened. It was all up to HP and the alcoholic. Then I learned what continues to be the definition of "love" I presently have. Sobriety was in her HP's will I believe and it had to be in her's also. It was never about me and my value systems. It's a disease and it defeats everything it comes in contact with that thinks it (they) can muster up the strength, stamina and sense to defeat it.
I learned that having my own life intact and moving progressively foreward was not putting it on hold and waiting for the alcoholic to participate and from this I was rewarded with a sense of freedom I will always be grateful for. The anchor chain that kept me moored in stormy mucky waters had broken and I was free to sail on without looking over my shoulder if anyone was standing on the pier trying to call me back.
I actually told my alcoholic the very same words you mentioned here on the day I finally surrendered completely. "I am not responsible for your life." She got scared and chased me down the drive way trying to hold me to being responsible. Sad.
My alcoholic also attempted AA for a while in order to bring herself and I to some sense of peacefulness. They are not all unfeeling and uncareing. Those two values and more were present and when she/we were drinking you could not find them at all. She attempted sobriety without a clear understanding of how absolutely powerful this disease is and how much of a grip it had on her and us. She relapsed in the usual manner and our bottom got closer with each day that passed. I broke away for the 3rd time and with the aid of this program just stayed in program and got better. She sought sobriety thru rehab and AA again after 3 more years of running and the last time I saw her we loved each other and had no reason to be married. Sobriety looked good on her as did serenity on me. Last time I knew...she was till sober. Thank God for it all. I pray she is still sober... because we all should do that. I stay in program...work it, give it away, do service and all that has been suggested to the best of my ability. It's about progress not perfection I believe...and of course coming back.
Keep on keeping on and thanks for the memorial share. (((((hugs)))))
PS; "LOVE IS THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL ACCEPTANCE OF ANY HUMAN BEING FOR EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE"
The A who I was with let me down so many times, when I was ill, when I needed help, when I needed support, when I paid for things, he let me down on birthdays, Christmas you name it he let me down. I think there is something in them that sabatages relationships because they don't feel worthy enough. I know he was also very defensive over it. He even let me down when my mother died! He was furious my sisters called in the middle of the night to tell me he couldnt' even put his arm around me when they delivered the news, he just went back to bed.
I used to fume and fume and fume about it. Now I let go. Its been so hard to learn to let go. I'd much much much rather fume! I know where fuming got me though.
Detaching is such a hard thing to learn. It is a lifesaver though. Hubby too is going through some things with his new meds. Yes he's mixing it with alcohol but there's nothing I can do about it. He has a habit of taking off for the woods. I tried to stop him because I wasn't sure about the driving. I couldn't. All I could do was turn him over to his HP and pray for his safety as well as others. (He has called and actually seems a bit better.) He knows he's screwed up. It has to be his choice to get the help he needs.
Trying to fix things is hard for me, especially at work. I am basically being at work. Yet I am expected to correct all the things that are wrong because the new employee did not do it right the first time. I have been with this company 9 years and I feel like certain people want me out. I am truly unhappy there. I realized I can't fix things there. I have to fix my atttitude until I can find something else. I may have to consider taking a paycut. At some point I have to stop the insanity at work. The only way I can do that is to change my attidtude and employee every Alanon tool I have. I also know that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I am worn out. I don't love my job any more and that's sad. I could pretend that I like working for this company. I don't any more. So I am sure that my negative attitude shows.
I'd like to say I don't worry about AH at work either. But that's not always true. Although I am far better at it now that work's more stressful! What's wrong with that picture?
I am not responsible for anyone else's life except mine (and well Pipers Kitty - although she's a pretty resouceful cat!). I can't control the A. I can't control the people at work. I can only control my life. Am I really controlling it or putting it in HP's hands and doing the leg work? Hmmm... You've given me lots to think about. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
at work. Yet I am expected to correct all the things that are wrong because the new employee did not do it right the first time. I have been with this company 9 years and I feel like certain people want me out. I am truly unhappy there. I realized I can't fix things there. I have to fix my atttitude until I can find something else. I may have to consider taking a paycut. At some point I have to stop the insanity at work. 
The only way I can do that is to change my attidtude and employee every Alanon tool I have. I also know that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I am worn out. I don't love my job any more and that's sad. I could pretend that I like working for this company. I don't any more. So I am sure that my negative attitude shows. 
