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Today was stolen car, credit cards, coke and mirror on the table, outstanding warrent, police called maybe and total chaos. My A son took off Saturday with his X wife's car, disappeared for 2 days, reappeared in some coked out girl's apartment. X DIL kept calling me at work and then he called me to say he didn't know what to do. I suggested wife, rehab or the street. He says he doesn't need rehab. He says he might go to jail, but he can handle it. He finally called again but couldn't talk to me anymore because he and coked girl sent out for food and it was coming. I asked about tomorrow and he said he would worry about it tomorrow. He lasted 1 week back with his X wife in a good situation except that she is a drama queen who thrives on chaos. She let him take her car Saturday night so he could go get his clothes that he left in his druggie friend's house 100 miles away. She knows he doen't have a licence and there is a warrent out for a disturbing the peace ticket. He of course knows it too. He is a binge drinker and it must have been a big one. I am done for today. I have caller ID and I won't answer him or her. What I really want to do is find him, but I do know that's nuts. I can't control his crazy thinking. The good part is he is alive. He is adopted. His bio parents were both substance abusers. The man died of an overdose and she was out in the street. She knew enough to give the baby up. I worry that it is in him in a way that can't be beat. He certainly doesn't want to and the idea of jail doen't phase him. I said why not go to a rehab and then deal with the legal stuff, which he could probably clean up without jail and he said no rehab. He is mad at me because he is used to me enabling and I'm so not doing it anymore. I feel dull and worn out and tired and I hope I am doing the right thing. Laura
I know a lot of people who are sober many of them had pretty low bottoms.
I know for sure what it is to be obsessed and sick with worry about others. I also know for sure how to neglect myself. How great you have limits. I have very few! I find it pretty hard to say no to anyone.
We embrace a saying here that is the three C's. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I can't cure it. There is a cure that is sobriety.
One of my issues as a codependent is control and a pretty big head. Some people get sober in jail, some get sober in rehab. I'm not sure I'm qualified anymore to "tell" anyone how to get sober. Getting my own sobriety in codependence is pretty hard going.
I know absolutely what is to stop enabling. People pleasing is in my dna. I've had to do it all my life. As a child I did it to survive literally then I learned it as a way of life. Enabling can come in many forms. Being eternally available is one of them. I find it really baffling how I can get into people pleasing so easily, if I can't please someone I'm lost. Of course pleasing myself is not in the question.
Speaking as someone who is codependent I alllowed the A I was with to crash and destroy more than one car. I spoke up many times, even tried to get the car legally. They put up a great fight of wills. They always have some unearthly deathly crisis. I think its pretty hard to get out their way and for me personally I've had to be in a program to learn how to do it. Only with a program can I not be involved and I was over involved to the point of thousands of dollars in debt, homelessness, illness whatever. I can certainly feel for your sons wife. We have our own response to their disease and yes it certainly is over the top but it is also totally understandable, we are after all dealing with something cunning baffling and powerful.
I'm glad you are here. I am glad you have limits. I hope you are able to turn him over to a HP. When I first did that it felt revolutonary. Now I do it daily and its hard going but such a great discipline. I find it refreshing, strengthening and freeing. Working my own program and focusing on me is so so so key for me. I get invigorated when I can deal with my own issues, when I'm totally over involved with someone else I'm lost in carefully renavigated issues but nevertheless i'm lost in there and can be in there for a life time.
Good for you for not enabling. You have come a long way. He has another enabler for the time being but you can not control that situation either. Obviously, with all that is going on with him, he has not yet hit bottom. It is so different for everyone. My first husband never hit bottom and died at the young age of 50. He lived with his mother most of his adult life and never had to suffer many consequences. As he got worse he never left the house. He just sat at home and drank away his life. It was very sad and his mother did not know any better. She is also gone too but he went before her which probably was a blessing. I pray that I would never follow in her footsteps with my son...her grandson.
Thank you all. Here's how the day ended. A son called at 10:00 just to say "hi", just as if all were nice and fine. X DIL was at a casino, gambling with her boyfriend. All afternoon she had cried to me about makiing a new start with my son. She was going to pick her car later that night. The police had stopped my son, but coked out girl with him "knows everyone" so the cop let them go. (son is driving a car reported stolen and there is an old warrent out for him and he is driving without a licence) so that makes no sense. Coked out girl is so wonderful and now he owes her so he is going to stay with her. He tried to show off by teasing and joking to me on the phone with her in the room. I said good night and turned off the phones. I am going to work today, lunch with friends, and try to live my life. I am glad he is not hurt. Again he escaped the bottom. I am pretty sure another crisis will come soon, but I can't sit around moaning and groaning and waiting for the phone or the police they way I have done for years. thanks for listening and all the terrific support. ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))) laura
