The material presented
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level.
Im new to the website. Ill been checking out the site for the last two weeks, reading the comments and trying to understand this disease and how I can help my daughter. My daughter just turned 17 last week and has been sober for 2 months now. Our world came crashing down about a year ago when the drinking and pills were becoming more than just a teenage past time (started three years before this). She seemed to get things under control, or so we thought, until about two months ago when she came home again so drunk she could barely walk. The next morning, after hours of fighting,she looked up at me as if she were six years old again and said, Mommy, I need help. She told me she could not stop drinking and taking pills she was out of control. She also said a neighbor (a girl four years older) had touched her inappropriately for about a year, when she was 6 years old. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach, I could hardly breathe. What do we do now? Thanks to a friend, she was in a rehab center the next day for two weeks, and it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She was so tire and ready to get the help she needed.
She is fighting to stay sober, but its the hardest thing she has ever faced. At seventeen, she is slowly moving back into a social life, but emotionally she is a mess. She cant be around any of her friends because they all drink. She cant be by herself and if she is, she sleeps. One minute shes fine, and the next shes bugging out. Her therapist says this is a normal feeling. She self-medicated herself for three years, and never learned how to deal with feeling and anxieties. Now for the first time, shes dealing with emotions shes never felt before. I just want her to be happy again. When will that happen? She goes to meeting and is working with a sponsor on her steps. She is working on her 4th step right now as we speak. She went to Starbucks to be alone and think about stuff. Ive always been so involved with my daughter and right now its just a sad but happy time, if that makes any sense. Im sad for the pain she must go through, but happy shes finally dealing with it. I struggle everyday not to go to the person who hurt my daughter and confront her. I think about what I would say and how I would say it. But I know if I do this, it will come back to my daughter and I dont want to upset her anymore than she already is. So I sit silent. Although my daughter has a lot of support, my world is dark right now.
I am also new to the board. I'm sure we have found what both of us need in a time like this. I'm happy to hear that your daughter is getting her life back and getting the help that she needs. I have a feeling posting on this board will help give you the tools to be there for your daughter.
Like many of us you don't say that much about you, its all about her and how you want to will her better. Unfortunately we can't do that. The paradox of al anon is that if we do work our programs we get out of the way of whatever A there is in our lives and they may get better. There is no guarantee. Personally I'm now in this program for me. I need to get better. I am incredibly codependent the roots of that were laid down for me in childhood. I've had a lifetime of dealing with people who are alcoholic. I do better with them these days. I do better but my life is far from rosey. Personally I think there are hard and dark times in many people's lives.
I hope you'll come in the program for you. I know for me personally and I can only give you my eSH no shoulda coulda woulda here its been a lifesaver when I was literally out of my mind worrying about others. I stopped that. In fact I stopped taking responsibility for anyone but me.
Being around an alcoholic in recovery or not is a hard task. They are pretty hard people to deal with. I've gravitated towards them all my life, now I'm looking at that.
It sounds like your daughter is getting a lot of support. Doing the steps is huge, few people work the steps. Obviously its early days yet and that is a lot to embrace. When we do our own steps we have something else to focus on rather than how can we "fix" them. I've fixed, fixed fixed and double fixed other people's lives. I can tell you unequivocally if anyone comes in and tries to fix me it feels pretty invasive to me now. I used to crave it before.
I hope you'll stick around here. This is an amazing group of people.
Your daughter is doing all the right things at the moment - meetings sponsor and talking to you , the best way to support her is to find a meeting for yurself , learn abut the disease and how it has affected your family , and as for the person who hurt her perhaps as your daughter recovers and become stronger she will be strong enough to confront her , for now love her , support her efforts and take care of your own needs . in AA she will find the support she needs and make new friends ,, she is going to be okay as long as she stays in the protective circle of her new friends they will love her back to sanity Sobriety is not easy as yur finding out , hard to watch I know but keep the focus on yourself find a meeting and enjoy her recovery it will get easier for both of you . louise
Welcome Hopeful, that was a courageous step on your part to come here and ask for help. This program helped me to better understand what was enabling and what was healthy. What was sane and what was crazy making. How to set boundaries for myself and take care of my personal needs so that I could be the best me I could be. It helped me to realize where I could best help my son's by simply being a friend and step out of the controlling portion. For me learning I didn't cause their disease, that I couldn't cure it or control it were huge relief for me. I agree with a previous response that once your daughter gets healthier in the program she will very much appreicate that you stayed out of contacting those who had hurt her. Keep coming back, you are worth it. Believe in miracles!
I just love the people I meet in this program with great names, Faith, Charity, Aloha and Hope. Hope is what getting into this program is all about and I am gald you found us. Now if you can get your focus off of your daughter and one of the people in her life that will be a target for resentments (the one down the street) and as it was mentioned by another member...focus on yourself and your own recovery. Why when she is the addict and alcoholic do I have to go to meetings...I asked!!? Because this disease of addiction affects eveyone it comes in contact with and when I does we become a part of the sickness and problems in our lives and others around us also...in a sense we become "carriers" of the disease ourselves. In that sense this disease is communicable for real.
I am glad you are here. I am glad your daugther is there and digging after her own recovery. 17 is not too early an age to get into recovery...my own step- son got into recovery at that age and now has half of his life in recovery also being drug and alcohol free. He's great to be around and neither of us have to be intoxicated to get that way.
Stick around...listen to the suggestions and follow up on them as early as you can. Get to a face to face meeting cause they all have tons of very useful and readable literature about the disease and recovery and more.
Keep coming back and take some ((((hugs)))) for your self.
Thank you all for your responses. I can tell by reading other posts that the focus should be centered around me, Im just not there yet. I think Peggy said it right - I have to step out of the controlling portion. I feel like I am doing the same things I did before she went into rehab, which is controlling where she goes and who she sees and its driving her crazy. Its just hard to send her out in the world - Im fearful the same thing will happen again.
I went to a meeting about a month ago and was scared off. The reality of it all was overwhelming and I just couldnt relate. I just cant see myself going back.
I will stick around though and tried to find some peace. Thanks for listening
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). It must be incredibly hard to have a child with an addiction problem. I can't imagine it. I am encouraged by all the posts here with children who share their stories with us. It's hard to watch the people you love self destruct. It's hard to watch their struggles in recovery. You just want to make it all better for them.
There is always, always hope. Somehow we manage to get through the darkest days. Alanon is the guiding light for us. This program has some great tools for us to use in our everyday lives. (I am trying to apply them to my work situation as well.) Enjoy the sober days with your daughter. Even as she struggles right now, remember her darkest days and be greatful she's not in that place again. Enjoy the fellowship of Alanon. We are always here for you. Find a face to face meeting where you will come to realize that you are not alone in this. Many, many people have been where you are right now. When you hear the stories of our recoveries you will be amazed.
I wish you and your family all the best. Good luck to her in her recovery and good luck to you in yours. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). It must be incredibly hard to have a child with an addiction problem. I can't imagine it. I am encouraged by all the posts here with children who share their stories with us. It's hard to watch the people you love self destruct. It's hard to watch their struggles in recovery. You just want to make it all better for them. 