The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working on a fourth step not because I really want to but there are certain themes that keep coming up in my life that I have to explore. I can't just keep saying its circumstances.
I've been working on this in counselling as well as with a sponsor (although my sponsor is very busy at the moment). I am seeing a lot of patterns of going to the butchers to buy bread as well as fear, fear and more fear. I think I also have a real anger with and intolerance of authority as well as a pernicious wish to rebel and sabatage myself. Couple that with over responsibility and its pretty deadly stuff. My old therapist used to call it survivor guilt.
I really am in a hard place of how to move on from the crash landing with the A. I'm broke, fed up, isolated (that may be a good thing) live a house with incredibly dysfunctional people (many of whom are addicted), am depressed, and to be specific lost without my normal ways of doing stuff as a codependent. Clearly being a martyr, savior, over responsible, resentment filled person isn't working for me anymore never mind the eternal victim which I know very very well. . I have no idea what I am going to do next so a fourth step seems to be one thing I can do!
This isn't my first fourth step but I think its one where I am more thorough. I am sure there will be other fourth steps and I look forward to a time when it isnt' the same old issues. I do feel raw and overwhelmed doing it but I also feel like I'm moving forward and doing something rather than being "stuck".
((((((((((((Mary))))))))))))))))) It's so hard to change even when it means getting better. Sometines the old ways are comfortable and the new is always scarey. It's good not to be stuck. You are so brave. Laura
What I can see clearly is that I wasn't allowed to have "needs" as a child and was set up to squash them at all times. If I had a need I was seen as being supremely selfish. My parents were devoid of empathy and so I felt familiar around people who don't have any. I also felt very very familiar around people who are chaotic, angry and sick. Learning not to be comfortable is another matter. When I say my needs are important its a revolutionary act for me. When I value myself enought to say I'm not going to be put down and ignored all the time its important.
Being an adult child of an A brings with it extended issues ...I found the message board very helpful. Clearly realizing for the very first time the Laundry list (both work place & home life) that we have in common of others who lived with parents of those afflicted with this disease. There are also some amazing ACOA books available that may help you finally feel connected. That's a good place to begin, in my humble opinion.
Read biographies. Pay attention to what the people you admire do - how they live their lives. Then do some of those things. This can be a way of "trying on" different lifestyles to see what works for us. We know the codie one isn't working anymore (praise be), but until we can put something else in that space, it feels like a gaping chasm, waiting to suck us in - I'm visualizing Jabba the Hutt's favourite enemy-tossing desert maw here.
Or I just recently heard someone who did the same thing but with movies. She was especially drawn to a series of Harrison Ford movies where the main character was in an apparently impossible situation, but just kept doing the next right thing.
It's so inspiring to read you ((((((((((mare)))))))))))) - you're a super example to me of how stringing together tiny steps can lead to great progress. When I throw in the towel at how tiny my steps are, and complain "what's the use", you help me remember that even tiny steps get me somewhere. When I give up and pout in the middle of the floor - no steps at all.
i think I've had the laundry list for years. I just didn't know what to do with it. The fourth step I am doing now brings up patterns that I need to address. Obviously squashing my own needs is a huge part of it. There are others like being around people who are very controlling.
These days I see red flags I did not see before. I'm willing to act. I find that hard going. I am also willing to try to put together a plan, a doable plan rather than a incredible plan I can't complete.
Right now I'm plain terrified of relationships. I've always put up with so much. My tolerance is way up there. My tolerance for dysfunction is huge. I have put aside my needs so long I don't know what they are most of the time. I try to simplify everything. I try to think both short term and long term. Long term obviously I need to re-create a life.
I'm not suprised I ended up with an A. I was brainwashed, set up to do that. What's new is for me to stick at this and keep at it.
