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I can't sleep. The A in my life is sleeping in his bedroom (the guest bedroom) as he has for the past year and he's all excited about his upcoming move to Florida. All my friends are absolutely delighted that he is finally getting out of my life but I can't yet feel that way.
This morning when he told me he was leaving I flew into a rage. I wasn't physical but I finally told him all the things that I had been holding back for years. He's actually pulled this stunt before where he says he's going to leave and he never does. This time I'd had enough and I started packing his stuff right then and there. I said pretty hateful things. I know I still love him but I can't compete with his love for Rum and Cokes.
It's a typical story. I gave of my love and my financial support to a man that had no license or car. Now that he's got them all back with my help he's leaving claiming that Texas is not for him. I know all too well that moving from one location to another won't solve your problems. He'll still be an alcoholic in Florida just like he is here in Texas. That won't change. I tried explaining that to him but we all know what that can be like. My A can convince me that I'm crazy for thinking that alcohol is a bad thing - that I'm the nut.
I am hurt and feel like I've been used these past 4 years. He kept telling me that he needed to do this for himself and that it's not about me. Maybe he's right. This is about his disease and has nothing to do with me. My love for him is not as strong his addiction. I keep hoping that one day he'll see me for the person that has wanted to help him.
I keep hoping that one day he'll see me for the person that has wanted to help him.
I remember thinking the same thing for many years after I left my exAH.
My prayer for you is that you see yourself for the person that you are, a child of God, worthy of love and respect, and that you become your own best friend.
That is one of the greatest gifts that the program of Alanon has given me.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Garen, sounds like your A is trying to find a way he can still drink, my A husband was always leaving. Till it got to be such a game, I could see right thru it, and I said go ahead, we were separated for 6 months, because he was so out of control, I had a stroke and he came back to help. He is finally sober for a week and getting a sponser. A's are always looking for ways to keep drinking. Don't fall for it, your only 4 years with the A, 26 for me, I know all the games. Its time for you Garen, detach , let him go, I understand that you have been loyal and have helped him, like all of us have. Don't love him to death. Get out of his way, who knows what is his bottom . They will try any manipulation they can, feign that they are mad at us, start an argument, any fuel to keep their disease going and that they are justified to continue it. We are the provokers, we need to change our dynamics ,our role in it. Turn away Garen, own your life. Your not responsible for his. Keep sharing and come back to this board for your hope and your tools. Luv, Bettina
My A is gone. He decided to up his departure date and not tell me. I caught him when I came home for lunch. He showed no emotion and he didn't care or at least that's how he came across. His words were that he still loves me and wants me to be a part of his life but I just don't see his actions backing that up. I never mattered. That's what really hurts.
I come home in the Central Texas heat and find him with his SUV ready to pull out of the driveway. I just have caught before he left. I knew my higher power moved me to get up from my office and drive home to catch him to say goodbye. I wailed and cried and pleaded and he just kicked at the dirt in the garage. Funny, he was wearing one of my shirts. He had just said goodbye to our dogs and he embraced me. I don't know if I'll see him again. The house is empty of him and his things and the hole is there in my heart as well.
I understand. I love my Ahsober but he left. He said it wasn't about me but then he said it was me. I have been with him along time like Bettina. These are games people play and we need to wise up so the disease doesn't take us down with them. Can you go to Alanon meetings? Read some literature? Getting them sober books are great. Women who love too much, and many others. Save yourself. It is the disease.
Gared - hugs go out to you! Sounds like you know it's for the best, but it still hurts. As for him saying it' not about you, i'ts him, I do believe that to be true. With my AH, he always told me that but until I got deep into this program, I couldn't understand how he could say that. To get him to realize that his addictions affected ME AND HIM took a very long time. Sometime I still think he doesn't really get it.
One thing I have learned is that addictions/alcoholism is a very, very selfish disease. They truly only think of themselves. They don't see how their actions affect others. If you can look at it like that, you might feel less attached and understand he is only doing what he knows how to do --- for himself. In the Courage to Change book there is a page on pigeons - "doing what pigeons do best"... sorry I can't remember what page it's on, and I'm at work, but it is SO true. If you can, dive headfirst into the program, savor the serenity, and put yourself first.
Thanks for the posts, guys. It hasn't been easy for me at all. It's only been about 36 hours since he's left. I've talked to him numerous times on his road trip to Florida and he kept repeating that he's sorry that I feel hurt and lonely. I kept asking him the why's and I played the what if game with him and I never got the answer that I was looking for which was that he really truly loves me.
I called him in a panic. I woke up this morning and he was gone and I just brokedown. I do miss him and I am scared that after 4 years I am alone. I'm scared of trying to make it on my own in this big house with my two dogs. Thank god he left them with me. I am so full of doubts about being able to take care of myself. I kept wailing at him asking what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna make it? He just said things will work out and to pull myself together. It's funny but in that respect he seems healthier than me about moving on. He did hang up on me once when I sarcastically said that he'd be sitting in his new place relishing his first bottle of Capt Morgan without me there to make a face.
It's been a rough day to say the least. Every 5 minutes I am angry, hurt, loving, desperate, irate, and miss him. It's like rinse, wash, and repeat in my head. I haven't really slept and can't eat. My head knows this is for the best but it wants answers and my heart still really loves him and can't let go. I know my HP wants me to take care of myself and I'm learning through this experience to learn how to ask and think about what I really need versus what I want.
I'm trying to avoid the stinking thinking where I beat myself and can't forgive myself but it's not working just yet. I realize now what an awful person I became because of the anger and resentments over his drinking. I struggle with asking my HP to have him learn the lesson the hard way and asking HIM to take care of him and be loving to him and to have him be happy. It's so easy to be vengeful and harder to be forgiving.
It's only been one day but that's how they come - one day at a time.
Please remember not to give up on the program at this time. No matter where the A is we've still been affected by this disease. Perhaps now more than ever you can look at how you can get better. Glad you had the courage to post. Keep coming back.
I'm starting my 3rd full day of life without my A. He's all settled in his apartment in Florida already. He's that way. He can get so focused on what he wants and needs to do and gets things done. I'm still not sleeping well and haven't had much of an appetite. It's one hell of a diet - 8 pounds in 4 days.
I'm still hurt and angry and I feel so left behind and abandoned. I didn't matter enough. I got to talk him last night and of course he'd bought himself a bottle of Capt Morgan already. I can hear it in his voice and how he actually opens up more when he's drunk. I find that strange that he has to drink to be honest. When I mentioned how I felt that his love for me was not as strong as his hatred of Texas I was stunned. He so whole-heartedly agreed with that statement which I find to be total crap. He said he was so miserable that he took out everything on me. I don't know what to believe. Is he telling me that the sky really is lime green or is there some truth in that. I know when I lived in Minneapolis (the frozen tundra for a Texan) I was not a very happy person but I made the most of it. I made friends and I found things to do. Ultimately it wasn't the place for me but I never would have done what he did if I was with someone that I supposedly loved.
I've always believed and experienced that wherever you go there you are. A drunk in Texas will be a drunk in Florida. The Geography Cure. Wonder if it really works. When will the novelty of moving wear off? I keep asking my HP to guide him and help him and I pray for his sobriety. I'm slowly trying to learn to pray for me. I just don't know what to ask for. I guess I'll ask God to give me what I need.
I've been going to meetings. I'm throwing a BBQ on Saturday and inviting all my family and friends. They are so happy that this has happened and can't understand why I'm so grieved by this. I'm greatful for them but get tired of explaining.
Everyone thanks for replying to post. I hope that others can see this post and know that I know it's not easy when our A leaves. It's hard.
I guess I'm starting to use this board to chronicle what it's like to live without my A. It's been confusing and a topsy-turvy time for me. I love him and miss him but I also can sense the relief wanting to cascade over me. I don't let it because my problem is that I don't want to give up. The more distant he seems the more I try to win him back. What's my problem? My head is saying I'm a complete moron but my heart is broken and wants him back.
He says we need some time apart and I agree but I want to know that I still matter. But did I ever matter? A good friend told me that 'we' will want to fix things and it's not a matter of me trying to fix things. I'm always trying bend over backwards and solve a problem even if the solution is not the right thing for me.
I can intellectualize all this but my heart can't do that. I still talk to him and he's still cold as ice.
Gared, the most important thing we need to come to grips with and after all this time with the A, I finally got it, since we are not addicted to drink or drugs , its difficult for us to grasp, it doesnt excuse their behavior but you have to understand the COMPULSION that the A has to drink . Nothing is going to stand in the way of their drinking. It is a COMPULSION, like our need to control their drinking and get them to behave the way we want them to behave. To behave normally. Try to imagine you looking at this in a whole different light. Imagine not having to deal with this problem, thats how easy it is. Its not our problem to deal with, us over responsible partners, don't have to deal with his or her problem, it is not ours to deal with. Take it off your shoulders. You are responsible for you and your behavior and nothing else. Our own human dignity and self preservation are more important than any love we have for any other human being. Don't let this disease take that away from you, its your gift to yourself. Keep coming back, learn the tools of Alanon, Learn the art of detachment. It will bring you back to yourself, which is to be treasured. Luv, Bettina
