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My AH has just called me and left 3 angry messages on my answering machine at the house and 2 angry voice mails on my cell phone. I've unplugged the house phone and turned off my cell.
He's angry because he's been kicked out of the house for 5 weeks, 2 days because of his drinking. His messages said he's had enough of this sh*t and he wants to come home. That it's his house too and he can come home if he wants to. The last message said he would be coming home in 2 weeks whether I liked it or not. He would kick down the door if necessary.
Needless to say, I am quite frightened by his messages. They are very angry. He's yelling and trying to intimidate me. I'm shaking while writing this post! He called me yesterday and sounded a little drunk but was only calling to give me his new phone number - he repeated that 3 times. He said it was just in case I needed to call him. He said he just wants to have a "nice conversation." I told him to not call me again and the next person who could call me was his sponsor - not him.
I can't let him come home in 2 weeks. It would be a disaster. He's deep into his alcoholism and he can't come home! Any suggestions??
If you are scared, you have every right to call the police. You can get a restraining order.
You need to protect yourself. Good job turning off the cell and unplugging the house phone. There is no need to engage with a drunk. Especially if he is scaring you. I would suggest saving the voicemails and answering machine messages. Just stay safe. Your safety and your sanity are your number one priority.
I don't have much direct experience with what you're going through, but remember you're not alone. I would suggest not deleting the messages. If it comes to needing legal help keeping him out, they might help you.
Thank you - you are so right about protecting myself! I wont' delete the messages.
The crazy thing is that he'll probably call again tomorrow and sound different - apologize for leaving the messages, etc. He'll once again remember why he's been kicked out and will tell me that he wants to do something about it - like getting to AA and working the steps. He's told me that he's been attending AA and that he has a sponsor. He tells me he knows why he has been kicked out. We had a long discussion a week ago Sunday about why he's not allowed back home - and he understood then. Today is a different story! It's a wild rollercoaster!
It is a wild roller coaster and it is good for your sanity that you get off. You don't have to share this crazy ride with him. Keep coming here and posting. It sure helped me. The suggestion to save all corrospondence is a good one. I would even suggest you may want to go ahead and print them and contact the authorities. Tell someone you are afraid and that he is threatening violence. Remember this disease is progressive and sometimes the A will escalate to violence when we learn to stand up for ourselves. Just keep yourself safe.
I would consider making a plan b, just in case you have to leave the house too. Some money stashed, extra car keys, and a place to go in an emergency, wouldn't be a bad idea.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When my I was a kid, my mom kicked our A dad out. He called repeatedly very angry and threatened violence. My mom went to a domestic violence counselor at a battered woman's shelter and found a lot of emotional and legal support. Every community has these services and often they are free or low-cost. I really encourage you to get support - noone should have to go through these kinds of terrifying times alone. Whether he does anything or not you will be educated and prepared to protect yourself. When I am terrified, it is hard for me to even think my way out of a cardboard box, so I would recommend getting the support you need to ensure you're well-being.
The thing I found when the A I was with was homeless and I wanted to serve a restraining order on him was that I couldnt' serve him as he didn't have an address. He successfully dodged the subpoena process. Nevertheless I built a track record that I meant it.
Obviously its pretty hard to look at your options when you feel connected to him. There are resources out there. You can look at them. There is a whole long legal process if you need a restraining order. I can't say its easy. I think is pretty hard myself. If you know where he is you can serve him with that. In theory having an agency helps. I've sat in a restraining order session with a judge, a lot of people are ambivalent.
Why not keep posting here and examining what your options are.
Newbie, Rape crisis and some battered womans organizations, often offers support groups for emotionally abused women. I knew a social worker at my old job who had gone through a free program they had. She loved the group and found the support she needed to make a better life for herself. Save the messages for the police and the restraining order. It does not matter if it is his house if you are married its your house too. Buy a stun gun and put it under your bed. I think you can get them for less than 100 dollars. I think a restraining order is free if you don't have the money. Most importantly save the messages don't erase them. And let us know how you are doing. Keep in touch with some people at your local alanon. I was beaten up by my dad when I was 15 and it bothered me for years and I fell into a depression maybe because of the stress but I have a tendency toward depression. Anyway, look in the yellow pages for Rape Crisis or battered womans shelters for therapy or a support group. Best Regards, Junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
My son (who is 25 and absolutely wonderful) is staying with me premanently until he leaves for Boston in the next year or so. My AH has called me twice since leaving the threatening messages! The first time he was still mad but clearly not as angry. The second call he made he was all apologetic. That's the screwy part - it's definitely a rollercoaster of craziness with him. My MIL called me yesterday to tell me she thinks I should take him back in! Nuts!
I've decided to let God handle it because I can't. God will surely give me the strength and the words to say what I need to say to my AH and MIL.
Again, thank you. I've saved the messages just in case I need to get a restraining order - I've already found out the steps involved with that whole process. I just feel awful that my AH is so out of control - I love him and wish that he would recover from his disease.
