The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a really hard time in my life dealing with controlling people. This person in my house decided to take the hose I had in the back yard out and put a short one on. I can't even imagine the logic of that. They super weld the thing onto the fawcett then take off for a week. Now let me say this they have no intention of watering anything or helping at all with the yard. They just like to put their oar in. At the same time they also put up these super nasty rude notices around the house saying that they don't appreciate someone moving "their" soap! They don't clean anything or "do" anything to help the house but they want to control everything.
Needless to say I had a few "choice" words for them.
In a similar situation at my job I am surrounded by people who are controlling. I have had to push back, push back and push back.
I know for sure my life was one long battle of "wills" with the A. I'm so aware that he contributed very very little but had an opinion on everything. He used to black list me to everyone about the state of the house and at the same time I couldn't count on him to mow the lawn twice a month (he used to loan the lawn mower to his friends).
I used to so want everyone to love and support me and now I don't. I get so much support, encouragement and love here. At the same time I know I am super triggered by people trying to "control' me. Control was exactly what the A had over me. He'd insist on every single thing being "his" way and to ask him to do anything at all involved so much strife it was unbearable. The A was also expert on every subject while he messed up every thing he touched.
I am finding myself really reactive to themes of "control". I push back at work successfully but I have to have an iron boundary about not letting anyone in.
I can hold my boundaries most of the time which is good, I certainly couldn't before the old people pleasing would sneak in there and I'd be back trying to be 'nice' and sacrificing myself in the interim.
Right now I'm feeling will I ever be able to relax anytime. Being boundaried and "conscious" is so unfamiliar to me. I feel like I am in a foreign country and don't know the language or the customs.
I know what you are going through. I deal with an A in my life right now who is very controlling but in a covert way. I'm monitored in everything I do. It's the same at work. My company tends to hire type A personalities (not alcoholics- that i know of) and it's no fun dealing with all the office politics.
It's hard sometimes to set boundaries especially when I confuse that with being able to compromise. My A is moving out this week and it's very hard for me not to beg him to stay even though I know it's the best thing for me. I've already tried and been re-buffed.
The best thing that I can say (which is not as easy following it) is to make everything you do when it comes to home and work about you. What's best for me? How can I take care of myself? I'm going to be forced to practice that saying in the next 36 hours and it's a very foreign concept.
i confronted the room mate about the moving the hose issue. He had to use a tool to put it on and tighten it up. Needless to say the A got all the tools and I have to start over in that regard.
I just held firm that he had to put the longer hose back.
I didn't even get into the resentments but believe me they are there. Here is a guy who does nothing all day, nothing at all. He doesn't work. He gets up at about 12 noon if that. If I ever mentioned an issue in the house to him he'd do nothing. He cleans nothing, he just says he is at his mother's most of the time (which he is). What gets me is when I first moved there I thought he was so great! Talk about not being able to see someone for what they are! He's been unemployed for more than 6 months, doesn't even look for work! So why of all people does he want to go replace the hose on me. He doesn't even get out of bed most days!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course I didn't get into any specific resentment with him. I just told him that the pink hose didn't work and the green hose had to go back. Then he said well we have to be careful because there is west nile virus and the puddles attract mosquitos. I said well its been 100 degrees for the past week so there is no issue with puddles right now. Meantime I have had to use whatever receptacle I can to water the few plants I have because he'd swapped out the hose. He's in a coma most of the time (he plays computer games and is totally immersed in that). So now its back to super duper boundaries for me.
I know there's something in there about my people pleasing. Obviously I'm not pleasing enough if I am watering my plants and getting on with my life so people have to step in to sabatage it.
Time to move on. I knew it was going to be difficult to live with people. I'm going to have to work super hard on changing my situation so nothing is going to happen overnight.
Your singing my song Maresie. I have had controlling people up to my tonsils. This morning I cut all ties with one of them and told her to go through her manager before dealing with me on any level. I don't expect to be hearing from her again. The silly stupid notes are just the end. Why would someone want to do that, we are all going to have to take baby steps with this, I was literally shaking with the confrontation by telephone this morning, its very stressful and is definitely about control. My thoughts are with you,
