The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi All, I have been reading every day, but not responding because I don't feel too capable. My A Son wound up on the street for 2 weeks. We didn't know. He finally called his wife, (they have been separated for 2 years.) She picked him up. The next day she phoned to say they were moving in together in a rented house with all her dogs and puppies. She just became a breeder and they will be partners. I can only see a big crash coming. He will drink and she will throw him out and he has no place to go. He can't come to my house, (even tho that makes me feel so guilty.) They haven't called me. Her mother phoned on Wednesday. My DIL apparently has a boyfriend, but they are not telling my son because they want to help him, not chase him away. Her mother cried and carried on about how nuts her daughter is and said she would call me when she heard from them. She hasn't called either. I am a total coward. I could dial and find out if he is ok. But, i am afraid to hear something awful. I don't think the street was the bottom. He was proud that he made it on the street for 2 weeks. I offered the phone number of a rehab that would get him on medicaid. He yelled that he doesn't need that. I am faking it but not making it. I am doing lots of things, seeing people, going places, working etc. But it all feels terrible. He is in my head almost all the time. I am starting to feel miserable again. I just left a dinner party at 9:00. It's just too hard to make small talk and to listen to other people making plans. I am not even angry, just scared. Thanks for listening to my raving madness, Laura
You are NOT a coward. Why would you even think that? You are human, you are a mother worried about her son. With very good reason. He is sick, and in a very dangerous place in his life. My gosh, laura, how would you expect to feel? Ofcourse he is in your thoughts constantly. It sounds like he is in a life or death situation. God bless him and YOU too.
Give yourself a big hug for doing as well as you are in these circumstances. I don't think detatching with love means it's easy or feels good. But it is the best thing to do for ourselves and the very best we can do for them. I will send prayer for you and your son.
Have thought of you frequently the past months. You are definitely not a coward and what you are experiencing is exactly what those of us who are parents to an A go through. Nothing is easy and your mind is seldom far from them. Your DIL is, of course, not helping as she thinks she is. Especially if she has a boyfriend!!!! Wow, what do some women think?? But at least you know that just for today, he has some help. I know all too well how difficult it is to try and socialize with your situation. I have no social circle anymore since I moved here. In addition, my cancer has mestastisized to my lung...I am facing surgery in a few weeks. And who knows what else? The fact that my son continues to slip up with some frequency on weekends makes my situation so awful...I feel the need to be healthy to try and continue to work with him, his child, and our family. Right now, I don't feel good, so that exacerbates my entire situation. With that background, please know that I think of you. I hope you are getting some help through face to face meetings. I have not been able to attend, but just coming here on line helps me a lot. I know we cannot change our sons. We can only work on ourselves and try to achieve some sense of peace. There is not an easy answer...in fact, I haven't found any answers at all. But know you aren't alone.
(((((((((((((((((((((Joyoma)))))))))))))))))))))))) You are always so kind and giving even when your issues are so difficult. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I am reading about FDR. Roosevelt was stricken with a terrible physical disability. He never gave up and he saved us from destruction of our country. He had the great ability to immerse himself in something and seemingly release the problems of the world for a short time. Maybe that's a form of detachment. FDR was also eternally hopeful, and gave people hope. Maybe there is another lesson there. Love, laura
I can only give you my ESH that learning to not know really saved me from being in the place you are in sick with worry. I learned to not know what is going on with the A. He is still alive because he still calls me (although I don't answer the phone or even acknowledge it anymore). So much for my huge ego that he "needed" me. Not knowing is so hard. I had to do it though because if I just knew a little bit I'd run with it and felt so responsible. I did it one day at a time, one second at a time. When my mind wants to run with it today I just say I don't know. Not knowing was a way I turned it over entirely. I don't know what the A is living, doing, eating whatever. I don't even surmise it anymore. I felt totally responsible for him at the end now I don't. He is God's child not my possession. Maresie.
It is so good to see you on the boards again. I am sorry you are feeling like a coward. How courageous is it of you to not allow him to come to your home. OMG, don't know if I could do it but I hope that by hearing that you can do it, I probably could too. Does that feel like a coward? I think that is detachment with love for sure. Allowing him to find his bottom takes more courage than you can imagine.
Please try to keep active as that will surely help you. Whenever you start to feel sick with worry say to yourself "I am doing exactly what I should be doing to help him get better"! Then give him to his HP. He really is the only one that can do anything with him anyway.
