The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi All, I haven't posted in a while but I have been reading your posts. I'm really struggling with personal boundaries at present. My sister comes over with her three small children and lets them run all over my house exploring. This makes me very uncomfortable. They break things and spill things etc. I know they are only children and are being children and I love them. I just think my sister is being unfair in allowing them to do this. She will sit in the kitchen while they are upstairs in the bedrooms. If I'm honest I feel somewhat trapped in having to sit at the table with her. I do not trust her and feel she gossips (she has done about me in the past). I am still resentful of this and have probably not wholly forgiven her. I feel very wary of being drawn into a conversation with her.
We come from an Afamily background. We are all affected. As far as I can see she is unaware of this and I am trying to recover. I have been on my programme for two years now.
My question is, how can I be aroud people who are disrespectful of my boundaries? and moreso, am I being too strict in my boundary setting? (she's not intentionally being disrespectful). I had a chaotic household with my A, now that that relationship is over I am trying to have a peaceful home and want to feel comfortable in it. I happily live by myself now.
I don't know how to handle this situation. If I saw a word, it will be a big drama and lots of gossipping with the rest of the family. I try to detatch from this, but its still annoying. I haven't been well recently, tests and hospital day visits and I just don't have the energy. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I've read about unhealthy boundary setting...expecting too much from people...I just don't know.
My sister and I do better when we don't see each other much. We are just too completely different people. That's okay. I choose not to get involved in the drama of my family's life. I have enough of my own to add more.
Many years ago, before I met the A I was going through a rough time. I don't know what made me think I needed to get the negative people out of my life, but I knew I did. Perhaps it was HP pinging me in the head. I cut many ties with many of my family members. To this day they still talk about it. It was the most liberating and positive thing I did for myself. I don't like being around people who live for "drama". My b-i-l I'm still convined uses. That's his choice and none of my business. My sister chooses to ignore it and not seek recovery. It's a sad choice, but her choice. I do love her, but if we weren't sisters, I doubt we'd be friends. We are just that different. That's okay.
Perhaps the way to handle your sister and her children is to meet at a playground where the kids can run around. Or meet her for coffee somewhere. There is no law that says you have to have people in your house that you don't want. Plan the dates when you are going to see each other. Or is she does come over without calling, have a back up plan. You have to go to a meeting. You have an appointment, etc. Frankily a little white lie like that is worth it if it avoids a blowup. When I go over to my sister's house, I always have something else to do so I can limit my time there.
You can't control what your family is going to say. Do what is best for you. Recovery is about taking back your life. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I also come from an A household. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. 2 of my sisters have teens that are having problems with alcohol and/or drugs. They are so enabling to those kids. I was with my younger sister last night shopping and I could not wait to get away from her. I was finding it very hard to detach from her drama. I kept trying to change the subject but the conversation always went back to her problems. I found myself saying things that I should not have said but I couldn't help myself. She thinks she is doing the right thing and I totally think differently. HP please help me to mind my own business. My sisters are sooooo defensive if you say something to them that they do not want to hear. They try to buy their kids whatever because they think it will turn them around. It is starting to backfire but you cannot say anything to them for fear of a big blow up in the family.
I just need to limit my time with them or I will drive myself crazy. I can totally relate to you on this one.
My struggle usually comes not from knowing what I want, but how to say it. Thus, if I back up my words with action, it seems easier. I know exactly what you are talking about in regards to the nieces and nephews tearing up the house. I had some who did that when they visited, but in my case, my sis-in-law had no idea.
What I ended up doing, and still do for little visitors, is lock all the doors of the rooms I do not want them in. Not much damage can be done in an empty hallway. When they ask why the doors are locked, and usually they do, I politely state that I locked them because I don't want them in there, and besides there is nothing fun in there for them anyhow. Then I let them know that we are going to clean up before they go home and I reserve time to do so. I get my kids to buy into the clean-up time by letting them know if their friends help, they won't have to do it all themselves. Even if you don't get help with the clean-up, the resulting mess can be somewhat confined.
It's a tough situation and I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable. Hopefully you can give your sister and the kids a clear message what you want and need without saying much. As for gossip, you can't do much about that, but who knows, the rest of the family may hail you a hero and follow suit.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Your nerves are probably on edge after dealing with your A, and that means there's a great deal of hypersensitivity that comes along with that.
Your situation is not so bad. If you find it hard to express your true feelings to your sis, then buy her a card and slip a note inside telling her that you need peace in your house for your own self-healing. Tell her that you want to continue to see her and your nieces/nephews at a neutral location such as Chucky Cheese, playground, mall or family restaurant until you can cope better... Your healing is more important
