The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had to cancel my dental appointment again because I dont have the money to pay for it. This last year has been one of the hardest in my life financially. The first few months I was numb now I'm in the long long haul of getting through debilitating debt, health issues, isolation and more. I do what I can each day but it really isn't enough.
This last week I hit a brick wall of despair about what can I do next to make my situation any easier and the truth is there isn't much. I have done a lot to try to make ends meet and it gets harder every week. The kind of debt and problems the A left me with are insurmountable on some levels. Every now and again I see he has called on my cell phone. I've told him repeatedly I want nothing more to do with him, he still tries it on 6 months down the line after I've told him I want nothing more to do with him and meant it! I'm resolute he will never get another word out of me or anything elses so why bother? Why bother calling someone who wants nothing to do with you on any terms who knows but he will get nothing from me again EVER. I turned him over entirely to the HP. I have nothing to gain from being in contact with him and no interest in his life on any level whatsoever. He is gone from my life for ever. I guess that is progress being willing to turn him over.
My dogs are well and happy and I still manage to live in incredibly marginal circumstances. I'm isolated and make forays out of that. I make tiny tiny tiny improvements in my living space that's about it. I run like the hills if I meet someone with an addiction or huge problems that is new for me, if I met someone with lots of problems before I stepped up now I run. I run not because I dont' care I do care but what it cost me to be involved with people who are addicted. I barely made it out. I didn't make it out really I came riddled with debt, with health problems and with barely the clothes I have on. The cost to me was enormous I simply cannot go there again.
For me there was a cost in leaving and a cost in staying. I barely by the skin of my teeth made it out. I will be years and years and years recovering financially and emotionally. I know that is a blessing but when I can't even get my teeth cleaned because I 'm so poor it seems a minimal blessing. I am grateful I no longer deal with the A's constant unremitting chaos and obsession with drugs. I'm grateful not to have to deal with his friends or family anymore. I'm grateful but I sure would like to have my teeth cleaned be able to fill a prescription (he gets all his free at the VA)and not flinch when I get a bill.
Leaving has its price, a huge huge price for me, staying had its price too. Both seemed impossible for me for a long long time.
Dear Maresie, As I was reading your post, I kept thinking that this is a spiritual path we are on. For me, there is the physical part to us and the spiritual part. For what it's worth, you seem to be rich spiritually. I wish I had what you have.
This week, I felt like it would've been easier to just stay married...for the financial comfort. To ease this turmoil, I decided to go to more meetings and I have been meditating more. My situation hasn't changed. But, I do feel more peaceful.
Mother Theresa keeps coming to mind. Didn't look like she made it to the dentist very often either.... (While I hope you get a chuckle out of that, I also hope that you consider her to be as marvelous as I do!!)
HP's not finished with us yet, Maresie...
((((hugs))))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think the physical stuff is a manifestation of the codependence actually. For years I put everyone and anything first. Now I am paying for it. I actually don't think it is the financial or the other issue that is the problem, the problem is my codependence which got me here. I work every day to get better but for me its a huge struggle to change and stop being so ill.
I haven't been on here for a while, but I feel that I was meant to read your post. It really hit home for me. I too was left with huge financial burdens and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and cheated that I start sobbing. I also have cancelled many appointments I couldn't afford. My ex is making a huge sallary and after 13 years together he basically left me with nothing but debt. I started a new career with the agreement that the switch and corresponding low starting wage wouldn't matter because his sallary was more than enough for both of us. Of course when he refused to admit he had a problem and wanted out of the marriage I was left without a place to live, no cell phone (he turned it off), no checking account (he closed it) and no job (I was in the middle of finals). I still can't make sense of it I guess because it doesn't make any.
I too say that there is a cost for staying and a cost for leaving. The pain hasn't gone away and we were separated 2 years ago. There are times when I am completely overwhelmed. It is not easy, but I truly believe that leaving was the answer for me. I think of it like removing cancer, the surgery is painful and takes time to heal from, but leaving the cancer will kill you in the long wrong run. Leaving is not for everyone but for me I feel that when I look back on my life it will be one thing that I am very proud of.
Hang in there. Be easy on yourself. You have come so far. Things will get better. There are many of us rooting for you. BTW, there are many places that give free or very reduced dental cleanings. Try a nearby university/dental school.
The dentist is the lowest cost I can get, it is actually a dental school type place. I can't even afford that. Clearly I have to do a huge amount of work to get to a place where I can afford it.
