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Hello all... Please help me... this is my last resource before I admit myself into the hospital for having a breakdown.
History: I am married to an alcoholic who abuses cocaine, and he also has been diagnosed with Bipolar and Hypomania.
I am a beautiful, self-sufficient, hardworking woman (government employee for 10 years), and also have my own baby-booming company, and I have a beautiful 8 year daughter... I would describe myself and calm, patient, laidback. I have lost these wonderful qualities because I have become an angered, depressed, humiliated, tyrant because of the built up frustrations of living with an addict who won't see the error of his ways.
The past 2 years have been hell. I knew he drank every once in a while, but not until 7 months we had been together, that I saw how bad his drinking and binging was. January 2007, he binged heavily on coke and vodka. Me and my baby were asleep. My bedroom door was locked and it was late, as I had to get up to go to work in the morning. He told me to open the door, and I told him "no" and that he needs to go sober up on the couch, and get some rest until the morning. I refused to open the door because I was tired of the drinking. At this point, I hadn't realized he was a heavy drug abuser. He became furious. I told him if he didn't stop I would phone his relatives and this seem to anger him more.
So he calmed down and convinced me that he just wants to lay down and get some sleep, and told me to please open the door. I open the door, and he was enraged. He punched me in the eye. Instantly I felt my eye swell and it felt like it ballooned and was going to fall off of my face. I screamed with pain, then he continued to hit me in my head. This woke up my daughter and screamed with fear as she watched him hit me continuously. He dragged me into another room and continued to hit me. I begged him to stop, then he ran to kitchen and I heard him rummaging throught he drawers... so I took the opportunity to run outside in my undergarments (it was winter time, which meant is was 30 degrees and COLD). I was barefoot and screaming for help, it was almost midnight.
A bunch of people standing together saw me and came to my aide and ran inside to confront my H. My little girl came running to me. She was barefoot and cold, but she was worried about me, so I held her. She saw how terrible my black eye was. The police came and arrested my H on the spot. A relative came and took my daughter and the ambulance took me to the hospital to treat my eye. I had a broken eye socket and multiple bruises on my head and neck. They kept me overnight and wouldn't release me... I was scared. My eye took over a month to heal.
The court mandated a 6 month outpatient drug program on the condition he stay clean or else that would give him 90 days for violation... With his family and myself learning for the first time that he had a serious cocaine problem, we all opted to stand by his side... I regret doing so now. He told me that his binging was over. The judge granted him freedom, but he had to work his drug problem to get better. Well he relapsed so this meant he was in violation and ended up serving the entire 90 day sentence. While incarcerated he was evaluated and diagnosed with Bipolar and Hypomania...
He called me crying 5 times a day from jail telling me how he has found the Lord and that once he got out of jail, he was done with coke and alcohol, well he lied... He started back on drugs as soon as he got out of jail, and he would not take his bipolar meds, so I had him committed into psych hospital. They release him after 8 days, and he relapsed again. I got him in a outpatient program 2 months later, yet he continues to use, so I gave him the ultimatum to go to a far away inpatient residential program, away from me, his friends and family where he could just focus on himself. 2 months of this, he got out in May, but today I post on here, he is still using...
I have kicked 2 nights ago, because we had a big fight, and he threw something at my back and it cut me... The past 2 nights my heart has been breaking because I do love him, and he loves me, but he loves his alcohol/drugs more... He keeps screaming that he's gonna change, but its not happening. I have stood my ground, not let him back in, and not answer my phone. No contact is helping me maintain control, but I am so hurt.
He has had 3 people call me in the last 24 hours (all his friends), getting on my case saying that I need to support him instead of jumping on him. He's blaming me for his relapse and going around telling everyone its my fault that he has anger problems. He has told everyone that he will relapse if I don't let him back in the house...but he has relapsed... Why is he blaming me???
I am numb and I hope I can find help here... Why is he blaming me? I am guilty of yelling at him AFTER he relapses, so why does he blame me for relapsing? I'm wrong for arguing, but I have changed. I was never like this. I was patient and low key, never argued, but at the point of frustration... I put him out, and it breaks my heart, but I'm forcing no contact.. He doesn't get it that it's over.. I'm very scared...
Welcome to MIP.I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare. There will be numerous responses to your post. At MIP we do not judge and we try not to give advice. We offer experience, strength, and hope. Many of us have been in your shoes, or are still in your shoes. We understand.
My first comment is...if your best friend, sister, or mother were being treated this way, what would you encourage them to do? I know you love him, but love needs to come second to the safety of you and your daughter. Nothing you do will make him stop or start his addiction. He is either going to drink/drug or not...what are you going to do?
I encourage you to find a safe place for you and your daughter. Get to an al anon meeting as soon as you can (don't be afraid to take your daughter), and get copies of all of their literature. Keep some money and a bag packed and ready in case he becomes violent again and you need to get away.
Keep checking back at MIP for responses and please keep posting.
here's more history: I am the bread winner of the house. Before I met H, he was living off of his mother rent free. His father passed away 6 years prior. My H is the eldest of 4 kids, and he is the only male. All of his sisters are college grads, happily married (all for at least 10 years) with children and very successful. He is the only one who has failed... Before his father died, his father was loving and caring, devoted to his wife for 30 years. My H had an awesome upbringing. His father purchased an apartment building a few years before he died, and he rented it to his only son (my H) for $100 a month.
I could understand my H's behavior had he came from a broken home, but he had it good. His parents gave him the best and he was raised by his father into adulthood, to be responsible. His dad worked 2 jobs for over 25 years and was loved by the community. His mother was a community activist and politician for 20 years, so I'm baffled. Why is he the only one to turn out this way? Is it the drugs? Had his father been alive today, he would have killed my H for mistreating and disrespecting me...
His father's death had a huge affect on his family. My H's mother, (my mother-n-law per say), turned into an alcoholic after the death of her husband. She is also BiPolar. My H, lived with his mom after dad's death for 6 years, rent free. Meanwhile abusing drugs. He also disrespected his mom repeatedly and stole from her, but she never put up a fight, and allowed him to live with her. So he feels that he can do any and every one (especially females) the same way. It is his bedroom that he gets high and drunk in his mother's house. The sad part is, his mother knows he binges in her home, and she allows it, and won't put him out...
He dates women off and on, but never settles down until he meets me, and decides to finally move out of his mom's house after marrying me. I now realize that I removed her problem and made it my problem.
His mother is out of town right now, but I'm sure she will allow him back and he will fall back on his ass. I realize now, that it is not my problem anymore. It is his problem. All morning long, he has had different people call me and leave messages, blaming me for his relapse and his anger... I am looking for consolation here... Is it my fault that he continues to binge? Is it my fault that he can't control his anger? What can I expect once he realizes that I am serious about divorce?
It hurts my heart because I love him, but I gotta think about my child...
You have come to the right place. I have not experienced what you described. However, I know that in Alanon your story is our story. We are like you in that we are beautiful, competent people until the disease takes us on the ride with them. Can you go to Alanon face to face meetings? Can you get some of the literature? The Getting Them Sober books are really helpful and help clarify what we are up against. Be safe. Take care of your child. There is hope.
Flowers, No thanks. I Got Flowers Today We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......
I can definitely relate the A who I was with for 7 years did get physical. I was really in the "why" too. I have to say the disease of alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful. Of course you are angry, fed up, exhausted, confused and more. So were we all. Nevertheless al anon can help you really a great deal.
Can you enlist any other groups to help you have you thought about going to a battered womens agency they could help you get a restraining order. I have no idea what state you live in but in theory if the police are called they can give you an emergency restraining order right there and then.
Active alcoholics do blame, they really do. A big part of their recovery is about taking responsibility but guess what you are not going to be able to convince them to do that on your own. In fact haranguing them, confronting them, begging them and pleading with them didn't work for most of us. That doesn't mean you let them off the hook at all you just stop doing the begging and pleading and confronting and start focusing on what you need to do. Believe me all of us here know how hard that is.
Some of us take it one day at a time, some of us have to take it one minute at a time. My life is a real mess after having lived with an alcoholic for 7 years. I can't say I cleaned it all up right away I will live and deal with this mess for a long time. I go to therapists to help me deal with it. I went to therapists to find the strength to take action on my life. Is there a way you can get a counselor?
None of us want to hear that we "have" to leave the A or even want to think about it. Many of us here have been tremendously committed to a relationship. One tool that helped me was to make a plan be and think about what would it be to leave the A and not act on it long long long long before I left him. Focusing on what it involved helped, I stopped being mired in confusiong, frustration and obsessing about him. Believe me the A I was with was very very very unhappy the focus came off him, he baited me, provoked me and tried to pull me in all the ways he could. He didnt' succeed. These days I am very very detached from him, that did not come overnight. I had to really work at it, day in day out. I had to say I am going to do this and keep doing it. Detachment wasn't some miracle that descended on me it was something I really put tremendous effort into.
I'm glad you are here. This is a great place to be. There are options open for you - I know none of them are what you like. We all want an A to get sober, fix themselves and commit to a relationship, some of them do and some of them don't. There is no guarantee either way.
From my perspective, it looks like this man has never had the pillow pulled out from under his butt so he can land hard on it, hit bottom and crash. He has always been protected by someone willing to allow him to have a safe place to stay no matter what he does. By doing so it says all involved are accepting him. It's OK to do drugs in the bedroom, it's OK to sock you in the eye, it's OK for your daughter to see and live this terror, it's OK to go to rehabs and come out and go back to his behaviors. It's OK to do the same things over and over and expect a different result. That's the insanity of the disease, our disease. If you continue to read this board, there are online meetings in the chatroom by the way, and work the Alanon program, I can promise you that one day you will think...."Oh my God! *smack forehead* That man broke my face and I was actually concerned what his friends said and thought"!! We become very twisted in our thinking, negating the horrendous things that happen, our only focus is on the undeserving addict, forgetting about our own wellbeing and even the well being of our children. Girl, those are obviously HIS friends, not yours. If they were your friends no one would even consider the question of who is at fault. He struck you AGAIN! All those question of "why" are not your concern. Who gives a rats *ss that they blame you? You can no more MAKE him relapse then he could make you do coke. It's a common addict's exscuse to blame someone else, anyone else for what they do. They will do Anything BUT take responsibility for their action. In his mind, if it's your fault he is not responsible. He's a grown man and responsible for his choices, and I suggest that's what you tell his lame friends. If they want to enable him, let them. They'll soon find out how fun that is. His Mother could use Alanon too. What people don't understand is by enabling the addict to do what they do, they are only helping to kill them, not save them. It's a rude awakening but it's true. If you want to help, help by helping yourself first and don't allow this behavior in your life. So many women think the worst can't happen to them. A cocaine rage is unpredictable and at any time could cost you your life. I don't even want to think about what would have happened had you not escaped the house. He was looking for a weapon, most likely to kill you. Let that sink in.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:28, 2008-06-19
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I know were not suppose to give advice, but sometimes you get so into their disease, you forget about yourself and your needs. Its not until I detached from the A that he hit bottom and now after 26 years, That took 26 years, 15 years of Alanon and my Buddhist practice , he has been sober for 6 days. Your A is violent and it is never right to support that, next time he could kill you. He only wants to get out so he can use again. Remember the Tina Turner song? Whats love got to do with it.? You need a lot of time for yourself and to get your head straight and being around your A gets you confused because we just don't want to see the truth, that they have a disease and your A is a duel diagnoses, he is Bi-polar and they can get very violent as you saw. You have a daughter to be concerned about. The reality is you have to take time for you, you cannot fix him. You can pray for his recovery and take care of you and detach. Thats the best love you can show him. You don't want to love him to death do you? Your best bet is to go to Alanon meetings and come here and keep sharing, we have all been there and are still going thru it. My A has never been violent to me, only to himself, he has done other Shannanigans, but if he gets another DUI, he will stay in jail and will not be bailed out. If you want to save your husband, keep him where he can get help. State of California, you cannot commit anybody unless there a danger to others and themselves. If your husband does not get the proper help, you think letting him out will change that, how will it change? My best to you and your daughter, live your life, its precious. Bettina
Christy, you are absolutely right... You hit the nail on the head...
He has always had a "cushion" under his butt to protect him, so he feels he can get away with these behaviors... His mother has been in and out of hospitals too. The family is battling my H's addiction and his mother's as well. They both use each other and enable each other, and those closest get burned by it... His mother and I have been in several arguments over this, because she can't see the damage she has caused by "babying" him...
I am here today, because I need courage to maintain control. He has been calling and calling and calling, sobbing... He states that he has checked himself into an outpatient program and is ready to do right by me, as long as I don't start any arguments. The problem with this is, we have been down this road over and over. Me allowing him to come home won't help his drug addiction or alcohol. I could see if the enviroment was bad, but I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, nor are there any liquor stores in my neighborhood, so I can't comprehend how he would feel or cave in to pressure. My home is calm and peaceful...
He says that I am the key to his sobriety... I feel guilty now....
I think the laws that govern mental health and addiction are terrible. I am angered at the laxed attitude that the police have and ambulance whenever they are called to assess someone going through a violent rage.
I have called the police so many times. I had my H excorted to a psych hospital 2 weeks ago, and he was released the very same night... What is wrong with society? And might I add, insurance companies don't want to pay for treatment. I'm baffled that people have to people murdered or attacked in order to have anyone take their situation seriously...it's sad.
Such crap comes out of our A's mouths sometimes, and to insinuate that he drinks/rages "because of you" is simply not true...
I am encouraged by most of the great responses to your post.... Although most of us privately are probably all thinking to ourselves "Run Forrest Run", the reality comes home when we remember the truth - we really don't/can't understand your full situation and/or what is the best or safest thing for you to do. In the words of Toby Rice Drews, an expert in the field - "nobody has the right to tell you to leave, including your therapist".
All that being said, I fully agree with the talk about how he has always had a soft landing for his behaviors. I hope you can make the decision that is the best & safest for you and your family. He doesn't sound like he's aiming to change anytime soon.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
He states that he has checked himself into an outpatient program and is ready to do right by me, as long as I don't start any arguments. He is NOT ready to do you right. He is giving you lip service while still blaming it on you. He'll be fine as long as YOU don't start any arguments? PULEEEZ!! He is still not taking any responsibility. If it were me, I wouldn't accept his sobbing calls. I'd make him feel that he has no one to turn to anymore. No more chances! Making it clear that unacceptable behavior and abuse will not be tolerated. Ever!! Only then will he have to look at the man in the mirror. You cannot save him or help him, dear. Give him the dignity of fixing his own life and keep ahold of that pillow. You will need it for your own butt :)
You are NOT the key to his sobriety, only he has that power. Use your energy to help yourself be strong and do what is best for you.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy, that's whats so heartbreaking... I am can admit that I do blow up and call him names, whenever I see him high (totally out of character for me, but I do this out of frustration). I have tried many times to walk away when I see him high. I will walk into another room and close the door, and he'll get mad and tell me to keep the door open, then he'll start drilling me and asking me what's wrong, leading to an argument about his binging.
Also, you know the saying "an idle mind is the devil's workshop." Well my H receives permanent workers comp for the rest of his life due to an injury he has sustained 15 years ago. He gets 2 checks every month. He gives me a small percentage towards bills, and blows the rest... He is lazy... he is really not physically disabled, because he is able to run around and buy beer/drugs. I keep telling him that he needs to go to college or AA meetings in the evenings when he is tempted to binge...so far, I've been unsuccessful.
Now that I have kicked him out, he is calling doctors, jobs and everything else under the sun...Now all of a sudden, he wants to act right... this has been the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life...
All I can say is that whether you take him back, leave or don't know what to do you'll be welcome here. Many of us take a while to sort out what we need to do. That's where al anon really helps out. Many of us begged, pleaded, cried, swore, called them names, broke things, did lots of stuff totally out of charactor. I used to totally worry myself sick that the A would run someone over. Guess what he did that and more. I had no control, never did but I felt responsible and it took a lot of al anon to stop feeling responsible.
I believe every person and every instance in our lives is a life lesson or something we can learn from. I also believe those things will reoccur many times over until we learn the lessons put before us. Yes, what we go through is darn hard. But you know, if we can learn from them we no longer have to go through them. We learn and we grow. Your yelling at him has nothing to do with his addiction. He had it before you yelled and he'll have it after. NOTHING you do MAKES him be an addict, NOTHING. Please allow him to carry that burden of guilt and take it off of your shoulders. He has chosen that rode all by himself. He chooses to stay on that road and not get serious. Don't be manipulated in to thinking that you had any part in his life choices. There's no law that says you have to jump right back in to the insanity because he "says" he means it this time. Time has a wonderful way of working on your behalf.
The Awakening A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself. by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
Finally, with courage in your heart , you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((jaysbaby))) MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. Sometimes it is very hard for a person to see things clearly because, as I like to say they are in the "BUBBLE". By that I mean it is almost impossible for you to realize what is best for you at this time, which way should I turn, what you should I do next. You have to accept that you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It is so hard to see because you are on the inside trying to see out. You can't fix his problem, Only he can do that. You need to take care of YOU first, that is the only way you can be sure you are taking care of your little Girl.It does not sound like he wants to start his recovery, but you can start yours. It sound like he just wants another chance to land and start doing the same things again. And why not? Because it has worked for him every time time in the past. We do not have the right to tell the Alcololic in our lives what he should or should not do. But, we have every right to detach and let the Alcoholic experience the natural consequences of the his actions with no interfrence or actions from us. In the long run you will both benefit from it. When I began I said you were in the "BUBBLE". Please do this for yourself, read your posts, all of them one more time. Get outside of the "BUBBLE" you are in and imagine someone you have never met as the person who wrote them. Or imagine it is your sister or best friend. How would you answer them? Be honest write on a piece of paper what advice you would give them. Then go back and read every response to your post from other members and see if some of the things you have written down don't look very simular. You also said it is hard for you to get to a Face 2 Face Al-Anon meeting. It is important that you are here, many people have responded to your post, and most all of them got their experience and knowledge from attending Al-Alon meetings. As important as it is for you to be here it is just as important to get to some meetings as soon as you can. Your problems are very serious, and if getting to some meetings saves your life or your little Girls life "just one time" the meetings will have been worth it. You are in my prayers, and your recovery has started because you are here!!!!!! RLC
If I were a betting person, I'd lay my money on, "you will end up dead." You have to protect yourself and your daughter. This man is a danger to society and one of these days will kill you!!!
"I love him" is not good enough. Can't you hear how that sounds? Do you love him enough to give your life for him as you surely will during one of his drunken rages.
Please, please. Get away now while you still can. And remember...if he is willing to beat you up in front of your child, he, at some time, will have the "balls" to beat up his child too.
Two fatalities for the price of one. That's a real deal.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 20:50, 2008-06-21
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Christy, that's whats so heartbreaking... I am can admit that I do blow up and call him names, whenever I see him high (totally out of character for me, but I do this out of frustration). I have tried many times to walk away when I see him high.
At this point, I realize how difficult it is to walk away when he is high. I had difficulty with that, too, for countless years.
However, when I began to seek answers to my questions, I gradually got to where I could walk away and not engage in futile arguments. I have learned to not be a vehicle of fear and frustration.
Just last weekend, I found tangible evidence that my husband relapsed. I let him know that I found it and then I walked away. The next day I gently suggested that he talk with his AA members and seek out a sponsor. End of conversation.
It is not easy, the road that you and all of us are on. The road is long and I do not think it ever ends, even if we decide to leave the A. However, down the road it can and does get much better. Seek out those further down the road. You can do that on this board and/or at f2f meetings. I have found books are a great resource, too. I have found books, whether they address alcoholism directly or not, are a tremendous help to me.
It gets better, too, when you don't focus on the A.
