The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH lost his job of over 20 years yesterday, fired for being drunk on the job. I knew it was coming down the pike, and for years (before Alanon) I used to beg, plead, threaten, cry to try and make him stop drinking before losing his job. Take the beers out of his truck, etc. Did it work? No. What worked was me going to Alanon and totally detaching myself from it. For over a year now, I know he drinks every morning before work, has an ice chest in his truck for drinking during work, and is passed out drunk the minute he comes home. I don't say a thing. Anyway, when he called me drunk yesterday to tell me the news, I just said "OK". He went on to tell me he's gonna find another one. I'm thinking (did not say it) "whose gonna hire a drunk?" But I just told him "Good, hopefully you do." Later, I leave my job to go home, and on the way home I started thinking about our bills and how we won't be able to pay them. I started crying. Suddenly, a thunderstorm came upon me, I just drove thru it, and as quick as it came, it was gone. It was then that one of my very favorite slogans came to mind "Serenity isn't freedom from the storm, it is finding peace within the storm". Then I thought of last year, when we had some really bad storms that created flash floods, and me & my daughter were on our way to the dr. All these cars were stranded and floating away and the water swept thru the street we were turning onto. My daughter panicked. I didn't. The water was so high, and I drove right through it (since I was already in it). My daughter was screaming (she's 26 yo by the way), and I said "don't worry, we're already in the middle of it, and it will all be good if I keep driving forward and kinda go w/it" And you know what, we were. We were the only cars that didn't float away. With that thought, I suddenly felt so much peace. I found it very strange, but I just knew everything was going to be OK. Even today, no matter what AH does, I know this is happening for a reason, and today I am thankful.
I would call that turning it over... Feels good to let it go and not worry! Considering worrying doesn't really get you anywhere. I'd definitely be taking some sort of action though, not sure what your situation is but I'd be putting things in place to protect myself and not go down with the ship!
I understand the fear of tomorrow, and I like your storm analogy. All we can do is to detach and live every day making a concious decision to do the next right thing. Easier said than done that is for sure, but I am starting to see the possibility.
I certainly would say you had some clarity. Good for you!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sounds like you have a good program. I have been doing a 4th step and looking at the number of active alcoholics in my life. Guess what when I meet people now I really screen for that. If they are active drinkers I'm pleasant but I don't engage. I really cannot do it anymore to myself and I simply can't deal with the kind of chaos that comes with it. I live around alcoholics and work super hard to detach, not engage and let them alone. They can mess up all on their own. I'm certainly aware they don't like it that I don't engage but I am no longer the people pleaser I once was.
I can understand that you are concerned about the bills. When the A who I was with tanked completely the bills were overwhelming. Guess what they still are and I've been gone a year. I know for me there were a lot of reasons I stayed and stayed and stayed. Denial was one of them. I also know for me being in al anon was the only way I got the strength to leave.
I've left and can't tell you the path is wonderful, it isn't. My credit is wrecked, I have an eviction on my record (thanks to him) and more they will be there for at least 10 years, what a legacy. At the same time I'll only be cleaning up this mess in the future. After I left him the A got himself into many other messes, destroyed my truck, got criminal citations and more. I used to want to solve those problems for him, now I don't. Now I actively work not to deal with his problems he is on his own and guess what he's still alive as far as I know, still using as far as I know and still making more messes. None of that changed so much for the illusion I was holding him together! He doesn't need me or care for me or value me any more now than he did then. So much for he can't manage without me because he is and whatever he's doing he is still out there.
I have a tremendous awful horrible mess to deal with. I'll be dealing with it for years. I can't say that its pleasant but it is possible to leave and start over no matter what your circumstances. For some of us the swimming through the flood takes years but there is a way out and it is possible to find it without drowning with them.
Hi Queenie, Many don't understand the true meaning of handing it over. I smiled at your "knowing it would be OK". When I was told my A was at deaths door in the hospital, after 20 yrs. of attempting to do things my way, I walked outside the doors and said "OK, I give up, I surrender". You know, at that moment as I looked up at the vast sky I realized how silly I was to think I ever had any control. I had created my own prison in, my own mental trap. Who was I to think I ever had control. That I could ever take control from HP? I laughed and cried at the same time. Laughed, because I thought I had the power of the creator. Cried, because I'd spent so much of my life fighting something I could never win.
Since the time that I mentally handed my husband over I have been shown miracle after miracle. It's almost like HP said "See, silly girl? I can handle this MUCH better then you". I just had to step aside. When I say "miracles", I truly mean it. Things that still have me in awe. Things that saved us financially, like money that came in unexpectedly so many times. A job offer that changed our lives and allows us to be in the most beautiful place on earth, just at the right time. Friends that helped and comforted, just at the right time. During that time I couldn't go to F2F, but people from this board were calling me, supporting me and showing unconditional love and care. Each one of them a friend that I can call day or night if needed and I've only ever met one of them in person. Truly handing it over, for me, didn't just mean not thinking about one particular problem. I gave it up, all of it. Not till then did the miracles begin and they began immediately. Not till then did I know I had been making it more difficult for all involved by insisting on being in the middle. I still had to work on me but things like detachment became easy, almost nonexistant. It was no longer mine to detach from. I imagined my A in HP's giant hands and just held that image as my A was healed. That's not to say that I didn't have concerns. Like when my A was mentally not with it for 3 months and I had to care for him. I didn't know if I would be caring for him for the rest of my life. I just muttled along while the miracles made it easier to live with it and trusted. LOL! Sorry, I didn't mean to threadjack, just want others to know that truly "handing it over" can take LOTS of pressure off. I'm happy for you that you get it :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
