The material presented
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I am having a hard time with what my ah has been doing and now after all the internet porn chapter (thats what put into a rage in the session) my pshycologist made an appt with my phsyciatrist, i just went to see and i told her the celexa and xanax is not working, she said she heard about the episode and she is putting me on seroquel, I thought it was another anxiety drug, i looked it up and it is for bipolar depression. I feel like me getting angry at my ah and wanting to puke, I am the problem! It makes me think this whole thing was about me and making my husband do all those bad things for a year. was he tring to prevoke me to get mad? i was more scared than angry. what is going on the focus has shiffted from my ah and all the crap that has done, on to me!
could this be a normal situation? i want to go back to MT and sit and try to discuss our issues, but to go on a powerful drug like that i am really scred now.
let me tell you it felt good to get some of that anger out.
Could it be that my therapist that seen my husband for 4 months thinks i am his problem?
and the only way to try and fix the situation, he did what he did to provoke me?
and all is back on me?
how did it all get this far?
I have appt on friday with my therapist and alanon on monday,
Way out of my league Charr, other than your therapist owes you an answer to all of those questions and more.... Perhaps try writing them down, prior to your next appointment, so that the therapist can give you answers to everything you are concerned about.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well I can relate a lot. I used to get so angry at the AH. I remained tremendously frustrated at him. Everyone around me was frustrated because I couldn't move out of the rage. We do owe ourselves the ability to manage our emotions. Personally for me I really have to be in tune with that because I can go down the plug hole really fast. Believe me you are not alone in being enraged at the A. We have to hold the two together though, no matter what they do we do not hurt ourselves. My rage really really really hurt me. I felt out of control. I often was out of control, spewing rage and venom at him. Did it affect him? Not one bit. He carried on with his "episodes".
I learned to detach here, stop thinking about him for a while then it got a while longer. I gave him to God, as strange as that sounds that helped. I also worked super hard on what my options were. Of course I didn't want to. The last thing I wanted to do was to change, what about him. The more I focused less on him the better I felt. He could self destruct and I didnt' react.
Do I still have problems, buckets of them. I get angered very very easily and I'm working on it.
We adopt the three C's here. You didn't cause it and you can't control and you can't cure it. So your therapists choice about focusing on you and what you need to do and what will help get you there is appropriate. No one but no one can get the AH to stop unless they want to. Some people never want to.
I am so sorry you are scared and angry. But let's take a deep breath and think. You cannot "cause" anything in your AH. What he does, how he acts/reacts is NOT your fault. You didn't CAUSE it. You are NOT that powerful. Believe that. And if your Psy is telling you that you are responsible for ANYTHING your AH is doing then it is time to get a new Psy. Does your PSY have experience with Aism? If not, consider looking for one that does.
Personally, I stopped even trying to do MT with my A because he is an A sober or drunk. It was impossible, even when he was in AA and "sober". He just used MT to manipulate me and get an edge.
You are a strong woman in a very hard situation. Drugs can help, but a drug will never, ever, ever make HIS behavior change. Never. Been there done that. I literally went insane trying to live with an active A.
There is an Alanon speaker (I don't know her name...Liz maybe?) and her story is incredible. She tried to commit suicide, wound up on the psy ward for months, was on all sorts of meds AND her AH left her because of it all. Her story is so inspirational. Just goes to show that WE can and DO get sicker than the A's.
Hang in there. There is such a thing as a second opinion and remember you DO have choices.
MT was completely ridiculous in my situation. We tried a couple of times with different people. The last MT we went to wouldn't even take our money towards the end- he threw his hands up and said he could not help us and would not charge us for what we owed!
It was a huge waste of time although it did confirm for me that our situation was completely and utterly hopeless and as hard as that was to hear, I needed to hear it from a trained and experienced professional!
You are in a very very tough spot my dear. Do you have any close friends or family members who love you unconditionally and know you really really well? What is their take on you and your behaviors? I know my dear and only sister was such a life saver and so was one of my closest friends- both very honest and loving women who are straight shooters. They loved me through the whole mess from start to finish and when I asked them for their opinions at key times and bounced stuff off of them- it was so helpful because the distorted thinking and the disease really clouds us so deeply. I needed them as my anchors and they were great. I got through because of them and their fearlessness and love. good luck and yes, consider another opinion? Hugs, J.
My question is, Is the alcoholic the only one to send you in a rage. At times I have raged at the alcoholic, that doesnt mean I need drugs for my mood. Its a difficult path to be with an active alcoholic. My rages just reminded me that I was not focusing on me but the A. I needed to detach and focus on my life, this was years ago, I still live with the A, but I dont have rages anymore. I think that your A should be seeing the therapist and you immerse yourself in Alanon and your higher power.
Does your therapist have any experience at dealing with addictions? If not, that could be a big part of the trouble. As we all know, A's are very good at manipulating, and someone who does not know what to watch out for can get snowed.
One part of the letter struck me, though - "what is going on the focus has shiffted from my ah and all the crap that has done, on to me". This is a good place for your focus to be. Even in MT, a focus on you is a way to find your part in things.
In alanon, we often talk about not fixing blame. I think maybe some members think that this is a touchy-feely politically correct "Oh the poor sick A" thing, and dismiss it. It's not, though. It's very practical, and a big help to getting to some serenity. If the lens we look at our lives through is "big bad alcoholic, poor innocent victim", then it's very hard for us to find our part in the problem. If we don't find our part, we can not make changes to the only part of it that we CAN change, ourselves.
The A is responsible for his actions, but he is not responsible for BEING an alcoholic. If we can accept that the whole painful mess we live in is not really his fault, that blame is beside the point and that the only point is getting healthier, then we can accept our own parts in the mess. If we are too invested in making sure he gets all the blame, we never get past that into the 'getting healthier' part.
I don't know if you are bi-polar. I don't know if your therapist is any good, I don't know if your alcoholic has him wrapped around his finger. I do know that it will do you more good to focus on your part in things, than to focus on what the A has done.
I agree, if a therapist is not thoroughly knowledgeable about addictions, it can be a big problem. They have no clue what it's like living w/an A. Our patience is tested almost every day! After a while, it sometimes becomes too much to bear. But to place someone on seroquel because of a single rage incident (how bad was it?) IMO is ridiculous. I would get a second opinion.
I agree with the last two, when a therapist is not experienced in addictions that can only compound the problem because to me it sounds like your symptoms are a reaction to his behavior. My A went to a therapist who was supposedly an expert in addictions and the guy told him that maybe me trying to control him (tell him I wouldn't tolerate him drinking around me) was the problem, that if he just drank a little when he felt like it that he might be ok. The next appointment he showed up drunk at the guy's office and the guy called me to fix it. I confronted him and he said obviously he was wrong.... People are just people, learning to follow my gut feeling was so important to saving me and my sanity!
The problem I see (and I'm not a therapist) is that you're too tied into him and what he does. I used to suffer from depression during the winter, I moved... No more problem with depression. Now, I also used to feel completely overwhelmed by my a - I'm divorced now. My life is much happier. I guess for me it came down to this. Either you care about what he's doing or you don't and if you do then take action, if you don't then you don't complain about it because either way it's your choice. That was hard for me to get. It took a long long time to walk away but I'm so glad I did now. Some people can mind their own business and live with an A and tolerate the behaviors, I am not one of those people. My feeling about that is why put up with crap if you don't have to?
One thing that comes to mind is Do you feel the most frustrated or irrational or "rage" the most when you are trying to "fix" help or control someone else or something other than you? If you were able to just focus on you and (I know it's saying alot) but if you were able to really understand in your heart that nothing he does, not porn, not anything is controlable by you, that you can turn all things over to your higher power and focus on what you can do to make your life better. If you could get there, you can find peace.
You did NOT cause his issues, you can not control them or cure them, this is not a shortcoming on your part is is simply a fact. and a beautiful fact it is.
The last meeting I went to, two women commented that they had been intitutionalized that they indeed were "crazy" at the time. Now thanks to alanon they seemed very "normal" and reasonable. I know I have felt very very crazy at times and alanon is the ONLY place I found peace. It made it worse to go to a well meaning therapist who was not a specialist in Aism. My A totally had him convinced I HAD Major issues. HE worked on nothing and I walked out feeling guilty and more confused than ever. Maybe even therapy with those who are specialist in Aism could be difficult if the A is good enough at manipulation. One source I know is able to help is Higher Power. I need to say when I turned to my family to vent at all, they were convinced I was crazy. Lost a very special relationship with my Brother when I was that crazy and of course feeling like everyone turned against me and everyone thought I was nuts made me wonder if I was. THEN I walked into an alanon meeting. By the grace of God, I was finally in an environment where no one thought I was nuts and even looked like they knew how I felt. It was and is wonderful! I lift you up to my higher power today-knowing you will find what he wants for you in the way of peace, hope and clairity. I send you love and understanding.
I have no majic answers only wish that I did, but I really know how you feel as do so many others.
When I can manage to remember that Nothing he does or does not do is a reflection on me (and I constantly forget) I feel a bit stronger.
Don't know how long you have been in the program but as many face to face meetings as you can make (one week I was hurting I think I made 5 meetings in one week), read alanon books especially when you don't feel like it- just let it all go and make yourself your focus..on what YOU need to do.
(for me at the time I literally pretended I had "left him" and he wasn't an issue, In my mind I only let my thoughts be about me and my life and future and what I wanted to do) that helped some too.
Also at one of the meetings as I was crying hesterically, no real "reason" just hesterical a lady looked me right in my tear filled eyes and said "YOU WILL BE OKAY" . She sounded so sure. Made all the difference in the world.
Shoot, Glad, 5 in a week? I went to 5 in a day!!!! With my 8 yr old, 5 yr old and baby who nursed thru it all!!! I was THAT insane!
I did that for almost a year. It was the only thing that helped relieve the pain and confusion.
Glad, I loved your post. It brought tears to my eyes. It brought me back to those days of sheer terror and pain. When the people in these rooms put their arms around me, let me cry, and told me "WE will get thru this TOGETHER." It meant so much to me to know that I was no longer alone and fighting.
You are no longer alone Charr and we will get thru this together.....
