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I know that you all don't give advice but I have to share about my issues This may be long. AH and I have been together for a long time. We have been married for 5 years and have 2 wonderful children 5 and 2. AH and I have drank and had fun together for a long time but all of a sudden I grew up. I have a beer once in a while but I have it for the taste of it. Not for the Drunk of it. AH and I have been going through everything terrible lately. He lost his job kinda. He was laid off because there is no work to be done. He is back now but it is too late. We are filing for bankruptcy on Friday and our house is in foreclosure. Yes he has every reason to be depressed but he has no excuses for all the drinking that he does. He is depressed and needs help. Last night was the worst in terms of his actions in front of the kids. He has never hit me or the kids never ever but, Last night he was yelling at me for eating potato chips and he could hear me chewing. Then he was yelling about other things. My 2 year old was in shock. "Mommy, Daddy yelling at you." I want to get them out. Away from AH but, I can't imagine how the kids will feel about that. I know that I don't want them to grow up with a AD but, they don't know the difference. AH has no patients with them and gets upset really easy with them. I have a place to go. even though I don't want to live with my mom. I can if I need too. I also have a good job and make decent money. I want to do some sort of intervention with him with our friends and family to help. I am not sure what that is going to do other than embarras him. I guess I am hoping that it will get him to open his eyes to what he is doing to his family and his friends. The only problem right now is that his dad is on deaths door. really really sick with cancer and I don't really have his families help. I more than likely won't have it until he has passed. I know it is terrible but I am kind of hoping that he passes soon because I am not so sure how much more I can stand of this crap.
That is all. Thank you for letting me get this all out in the open.
. i think u will find tat interventions don't work , tv show makes it look so easy , without family support (his) the disease wins I hope u will consider al anon meetings for yourself you need support from people who have been where yur at and will share thier own experiences with you . Until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem it isn't -it's causing u a problem and al anon will help. to me it is the best way to support them . Louise
I wouldn't get my hopes up on an intervention being effective as far as your AH is concerned.
I watch Dr. Phil a lot and I really like him. He doesn't beat around the bush. Several times he has said 'Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one', and that has been true in my life.
Even though I left my AH many many years ago, I was still terribly broken inside. I was still looking for happiness every where else except where it truly is, within me.
I spent the next 13 years going through one dysfunctional relationship after another.
My oldest bears the emotional scars of living in a home with a violent abusive man whom she often watched beat her mother.
My youngest bears the emotional scars of her needy mother continuing to bring unhealthy men into her life and home.
Oh, I'd rationalize that none of them were raving alcoholics, but every one of them came with excess baggage to be sure. They were emotionally unavailable at best, and emotionally/mentally abusive at worst.
As young as your children are, they do know something is wrong, very wrong.
I have found that by asking for the strength to begin the hard work on fixing my broken self, I have been given blessings far beyond anything I ever dared hope for.
I am a better mother, grandmother, daughter, and sister.
I was supposed to start college this summer, but due to lightning and a fried modem and pc, I will start this fall.
I will graduate with a double degree, and I am 50 years old!
I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you are also able to begin your journey of self-discovery, in spite of what the AH is/isn't doing.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Sounds like a lot of things to deal with to me. Of course we have all been there!Many of us have lived through such terrible chaos. Please know that. No one here is going to judge you or label you or lecture you.
How about taking it one day at a time for a while and working on what you need to do to take care of you.
One thing some of us do when we first start in recovery is to quit arguing. We just stop and put the focus on us. And I mean put the focus in a nice way, not in the self hate, berating way. Put the focus on what will it take to get through the next day. What tools can you learn about from al anon that will help. Detaching certainly helps.
Be kind to yourself, I know thats a huge tall order some days. My life is one big big mess. Really I have tons of issues, poverty,health, isolation and more. There are less issues though than there were a year ago. I make progress. I ask for help. Do you? Can you get a counselor, come to meetings, immerse yourself in this group. Can you give yourself some emotional space so that you can look at what you can do not what you shoulda coulda woulda done.
abbyal wrote: Until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem it isn't -it's causing u a problem
This is what I don't understand. This is why I went to one Al-anon meeting and never returned. I know that what he is doing to himself it is his problem not mine but, what he is doing is distroying our family. At this point all I care about is me and the kids. I am at peace with the bankruptcy and losing our house and our vehicle. That is fine to me. I mean I care but it is not a big deal. I KNOW that in my heart that things will get better with that crap. I have no idea when he is going to get better. I want to assist him. I know that he dosent want to loose me and the kids but he is heading straight for that. What I don't understand is that Al-anon tell me to just sit there and let him drink. Drink his family away. I don't get it.
I wouldn't get my hopes up on an intervention being effective as far as your AH is concerned.
I watch Dr. Phil a lot and I really like him. He doesn't beat around the bush. Several times he has said 'Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one', and that has been true in my life.
Even though I left my AH many many years ago, I was still terribly broken inside. I was still looking for happiness every where else except where it truly is, within me.
I spent the next 13 years going through one dysfunctional relationship after another.
My oldest bears the emotional scars of living in a home with a violent abusive man whom she often watched beat her mother.
My youngest bears the emotional scars of her needy mother continuing to bring unhealthy men into her life and home.
Oh, I'd rationalize that none of them were raving alcoholics, but every one of them came with excess baggage to be sure. They were emotionally unavailable at best, and emotionally/mentally abusive at worst.
As young as your children are, they do know something is wrong, very wrong.
I have found that by asking for the strength to begin the hard work on fixing my broken self, I have been given blessings far beyond anything I ever dared hope for.
I am a better mother, grandmother, daughter, and sister.
I was supposed to start college this summer, but due to lightning and a fried modem and pc, I will start this fall.
I will graduate with a double degree, and I am 50 years old!
I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you are also able to begin your journey of self-discovery, in spite of what the AH is/isn't doing.
First I want to say Good for you getting a degree at 50. That is awesome!
Second I am not trying to be rude here but, I am one tough cookie. I have all my s**t together. I know who I am and what I can do and what I can't do. I am not broken. My AH is broken.
Again I am not trying to be rude in saying that I am better than you because I don't believe that. I am just telling you where I am coming from.
maresie wrote: How about taking it one day at a time for a while and working on what you need to do to take care of you.
One thing some of us do when we first start in recovery is to quit arguing. We just stop and put the focus on us. And I mean put the focus in a nice way, not in the self hate, berating way. Put the focus on what will it take to get through the next day. What tools can you learn about from al anon that will help. Detaching certainly helps.
Be kind to yourself, I know thats a huge tall order some days. My life is one big big mess. Really I have tons of issues, poverty,health, isolation and more. There are less issues though than there were a year ago. I make progress. I ask for help. Do you? Can you get a counselor, come to meetings, immerse yourself in this group. Can you give yourself some emotional space so that you can look at what you can do not what you shoulda coulda woulda done.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Maresie.
This is great advice here. This is exactly how I live everyday. I am just starting to get worried about how my kids will be raised with an AD. I am scared about that. I can deal with it. I am an adult. Kids can be hurt mentally so easliy and it can affect them for ever. That is a long time.
you know if you go to aa meetings there are some people who have one bad fall and they take their alcoholism seriously and others who go to death's door. there is no saying when or where someone will get sober. There are lots of people here who have a spouse who is sober, some of them after a visit to death's door, criminal conviction whatever. Some of them do get sober, some of them don't. There is no guarantee with an intervention but I don't think its wrong to think about one. I don't know there is a "good time" to have one. Certainly death is a hard thing to deal with but the problem with any active alcoholic at a certain stage is that their life is one huge crisis after another and there is no good time so wishing for a time when the father wasn't around isn't really feasible.
I watch the intervention show on TV and certainly there are some great aspects of it. I think they do capture how incredibly fed up, exhausted and totally beat down the families are. What isn't captured is all the behind the scenes work that goes on to pull someone into a program, get a program to take them and pay for it. Of course most of us by the time there is an intervention have nothing left to pay for treatment!
i know for me when I got to the place of being totally exhausted all I wanted to say was what about him. I was so lucky to come here and have people to lean on and say how fed up, confused, angry, betrayed and more I felt. I began to take suggestions and focus on me.
When an A is totally bottoming out I think the hardest thing to do is to focus on dealing with what you need to do. I know for me the long term affects of living with an A are there. I am working to deal with them. Many many many people here in this group have children they have great wisdom on how to remedy, deal with work with, and learn to heal from living with an addiction.
For me al anon was somewhere I came in tremendous pain, now al anon is a huge asset for me. I'm doing a 4th step with a sponsor (she isn't an all giving angel but a real person) who can hear what I have to say that is changing things for me.
I'm not someone who is prone to say it is all going to be okay. My life is definitely not okay. I live with tremendous hardship as a result of living with an active A I don't relish that. I resent it and I have trouble some days, real real trouble "accepting it" but I do accept it. That did not evaporate when I left him. My problems did not all cease. Nevertheless Al anon gave me a lot of tools to deal with them. Maresie.
Second I am not trying to be rude here but, I am one tough cookie. I have all my s**t together. I know who I am and what I can do and what I can't do. I am not broken. My AH is broken.
Again I am not trying to be rude in saying that I am better than you because I don't believe that. I am just telling you where I am coming from.
Your AH will have to hit his "bottom" whatever that is for him to want help
You may have to hit yours before you want help, it's there at alanon--
I would not consider myself "one tough cookie" although I think others might.. and I really am good at making money and my job is to help others with their problems and I AM POWERLESS OVER alcohol....
Alanon saved my life, if you went to meeting where the people there didn't match you or you didn't respect find another one... then soon you will find you have respect for all who live with the disease of alcoholism!!
I was fortunate that the first meeting I went to was in a "white collar" area with professional people so I felt comfortable.
The one I attend most often now is so blue collar, down to earth working folks..I love both groups!
There is so much POWER in admitting that you are powerless over alchhol! There is so much strenght in realizing you didn't cause it you can't cure it or control it!! I hope you find this strength!!
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately the majority of the interventions don't work. When AH use to be sober he would go on interventions through AA. The majority of the time they got them to go to detox, but not rehab. Perhaps the seed will be planted, and that's a start. But to hold your hopes out that it will work, I am afraid that it is false hope. An addict drinks or drugs because they are addicts. There may be triggers, but they don't need an excuse or reason. The sky could be blue and that 's reason enough to do what they do.
There is something inside the A that inhibits them from getting sober. I am not talking about the disease side of it. I am talking deep down inside. AH is a chronic relapser. No, he's really an on/off drinker. Let's call it what it is. I can't make him get sober. He has to be ready for it and want it so badly that nothing will get in his way. I believe that for my AH he can't do it without AA. He just doesn't want to go. He's not a mean drunk, just a pain in the neck. I have stopped trying to talk to him about it. What's the point?
The only thing we have control over is our lives. We have to do what is best for us and our children. Recovery for us is about taking back our lives and living the life we so richly deserve. Only you can decide what is in the best interest of your family. Sometimes we find bad meetings or we feel like the group isn't for us. That's natural. Alanon gives us the tools to detach w/love and take the focus off the A. I know this sounds counterproductive. They have a disease but it's affecting us. It shows us a new way to think and live. Now I have a degree in anthroplogy (human behavior) so at first I was skeptical about Alanon. I should be able to understand this. I'm an anthropologist! I study human behavior all the time! WRONG! Until someone showed me how I was coping (or in this case Not coping) with the disease, I really was lost. I understood the disease side of it. I started seeing things in a new way. Do I buy all of what this program says? No. I take what I like and what works for me and leave the rest.
You're a smart woman. Give this program a chance. I think you may find that for even the most skeptical of people (that's me) you will find tools that are useful. Don't give up on us yet. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Mabeleileen - I identified with your post immediately - I, too, was full of anger when I first started attending alanon. I didn't see anything other than HE had to "get fixed", so to speak. I wasn't the one with the problem, he was, so why couldn't I just get help to "make him stop".
I too am a strong, independent woman/mother who wants nothing but a good life for my children, and myself. The only way I can make it better, is by doing what is best for me. If my husband chooses to be a part of it, that's great. But, I set my boundaries and stuck to them. So far, it's OK. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but for today, we're good. If he chooses to use again, I tell him I have no control over his choice, but if he chooses to do drugs or drink, he has to do it somewhere else, and I will NOT stand by and watch him destroy himself.
My experience was that once I started changing my reactions to his typical behaviors, he started changing. When peoples advice to you is to "get healthy" or "you need to focus on you", it's best to be open minded. All they are trying to let you know is that you need to understand that you will NOT be able to "make him stop drinking" or in other words, control him. To have the courage to control your situation, all you can do is change how YOU react. If he is doing or saying things that make you uncomfortable, instead of trying to reason with him or argue, just walk away. If you want to spend time with your kids without his drama, take them to the park or to lunch. Once he notices you aren't reacting like you usually do, or just plain not around feeding into his drama, he will realize you mean business. If you want to discuss things, just be sure to do it when he is sober (like first thing in the morning) and let him know that you love him, but you don't love your life right now.
You stated that you felt the message from the meeting you attended was to "sit by and let him drink" = and I don't think you understood the idea behind the program. The purpose of Alanon is help loved ones of Alcoholics learn new ways of coping with life AS IT IS, not how we wish it to be. And the only person we can control is ourselves. I have seen many new people come into face to face meetings thinking Alanon was a program to "fix the alcoholic in our lives" and it's not. It is a program where we learn to put the focus on us, and it really does work if you give it the chance. Try to come on here as much as you can, or attend your local meetings. It really does work, and for me, it didn't all make sense for at least six months or so.
Keep coming back - it works if you work it, so work it, your worth it!!!!
