The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it's been a long, long time since i've posted in here. i am still with my A and am wondering if anyone has been able to make it work living with an active A. the most recent incident has pushed me right up to the edge. part of me is so fed up and so done . . . . the other part just can't see living without him.
Lots of people here live with active A's. I can't say I did well at it. On the other hand I'm not sure life is nirvana without them either. Whatever you choose is your choice. Leaving is an option. I did not think it was an option for a long time then I explored that option and found it. I can't say it was easy, it wasn't. I also wouldnt say my troubles were over afterwards.
For me its about my recovery not what the A does. I have to say not being in the middle of chaos helps but nevertheless I have significant issues without him. My problems were not all "him". Being without him helps but it certainly didn't end my issues.
I just responded to another post, yes I have lived with an active A for 26 years, I separated last year for 6 months, I had a minor stroke and he came back to help me financially. I even took a loan out to buy him out and get rid of him forever. I guess their was another plan for us, we have been back for a little over a year, it was the worst drinking he has ever done in his drinking career, even is brain was gone, he developed Diabetis, liver damage and that still didnt matter, These last few months he has been missing work, well he got suspended, he got a dui last week, which is a felony in Ca. , because he hit another car, this was after he spent a week in detox, Well thank heavens for devine intervention, he went to the er twice this week, fell over the stairs and hit the floor, on the way back from ER I remembered the Chandler House, I drove straight over there into the parking lot, I saw two AA's talking, I said real loud , this man needs your help, my husband started crying, thats when "Jerry" came over and talked to him and said today will be your last drink, my husband's been going to AA for 6 days straight, looks like he got his job back also. Yes, it was stressful, follow your heart B and your instincts, nobody can tell you what is the right decisions, but stick with Alanon, stay focused on yourself, turn from the A, don't watch him, look at how much he is drinking, you have to change the dynamics of the relationship and the best way is to detach and focus on yourself and pray a lot, to your higher power. One of the things that Jerry told me, because I was making some smart ass remarks about the A, Jerry told me, either leave him, but don't pick on him. That stuck in my mind, this coming from a recovering A, stuck in my head.
Wow Bettina what a story. I think its fine to be angry with the A but would agree it doesn't seem to do that much good to express it to them. I do feel its important to be angry thought. When I squashed all my anger down I ended up ill. There is wisdom from a recovering alcoholic but there is also wisdom from an al anon too. We understand why you are angry! You have a right to be and a right to be exasperated. For the alcoholic their recovery is paramount but our recovery is paramount too and it is not necessarily all about them being recovered.
I am living with an A and it is making me crazy. I keep thinking I want to leave but it would be so hard. we have 2 young children. I don't want them to grow up with a sick dad and I don't want them to grow up without him. I am in a catch 22.
I couldn't see living without him either until I did. It took me a good nine months of being away from him before I started to imagine my future without him, either alone or with someone else, but without him. I'm so glad now that I left glad for me and glad for my 3 kids!!! Hopefully someday he will "get it" and I can be glad for him too!
I have been living with an active A for about 4 years now and that's all about to end in 2 days. It's his doing and not mine. I feel like such a wuss for not having been able to kick him out years ago but the truth was that I kept hoping for something to click in him and for him to get better. Gawd it suck to live with an A that you know is killing themselves. He's leaving me saying that it's geography that's making him unhappy...riiiight.
I'm scared of being on my own for the first time in a long time. I just need to get through this next week one day at a time... sometimes just one hour at a time.
