The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear Family, I am feeling depressed lately. I have to get this out. Things were going well since my divorce...meaning, I had faith that my HP was taking care of me and "All is well." But lately, it's hard to come out from under the covers in the morning. I'm beginning to have doubts.
I guess I am relapsing, since I am beginning to think that it would've been easier to just stay married. Lately, I have been trying to find a job that will offer benefits (since I will lose that in October) and also trying to find a job that I would enjoy doing. (Is that too much to ask?) I am SO ANGRY with myself for not pursuing this during my 26 yr. marriage. My H made good money, he traveled with his job while I stayed home to anchor the family and do all the things other husbands would do. I did it all. My H always said that he wanted to take care of me, that he didn't want his wife to work....and I sucked that up like a Hoover Deluxe. That sounded good to me. It's so painful to see it now. Focusing on myself, is so hard lately.
In addition to all that... I am also suffering because I can clearly see now, that my son has the disease of codependency and addiction. I took him to the ER recently....they determined he is having panic attacks. He said some conflicting things during the process. He told them he had concerns about taking meds that were addicting... told them he had used drugs, now he "only uses pot, but hasn't for 10 days", so doesn't think he has an addiction...and, "it's only pot." This angered me b/c he told me he's been "clean for a long time!!" Anyway, they told him he may want to look into a 12-step program. I was there for that. Wouldn't you know... he doesn't remember that suggestion!!
Well, you know me....I can't let it slide....I've been promoting the program ever since. My life is becoming unmanageable....because he doesn't see how his anxiety and "smoking a little pot" are related....and I am feeling the need to open his eyes!!! If only I could just string the right words together.....
Indeed, I know that I am powerless. Powerlessness once felt like a relief to me, today it is painful. He is my son, my beautiful son. He has recently been accepted to a prestigious medical school, and I can't stop projecting into the future....thinking, his shaky foundations will cause it all to crumble someday. It's painful to hear him explain how "special" he is....that if he actually had a problem, he wouldn't have been accepted to medical school. (couldn't resist telling him about Dr. Bill and showing him the Big Book...of course I did! That was clever, doncha think?!)
Ugh. I am so exhausted. I feel lost. I suppose it is because I am trying to do the impossible...
"There I humbly offered myself to God...to do with me as He would.... I admitted for the first time that of myself, I was nothing; that without Him I was lost...." (Dr. Bill) My sponsor always says, we only ever really have one problem...our separation from God...
I think I'll jump in bed and think about that...
I love you all for "listening"....
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I put the relationship before myself so I can relate to that. The A did not succed much so it wasn't really an issue. Nevertheless his demand was that I back him 100% and leave nothing for myself. These days I have a hard time backing people up. I feel less inclined to do that than ever before.
I know for me personally the more I want to change someone the more the obsession goes in.
Regarding looking for a career now, and beating yourself up for not doing it earlier... My sister said this to me once:
"Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, Didn't!"
A great many of us human beings do that!!! Do you realize how many people are holding down jobs that they cannot stand? I'm feeling your pain! And it can be so painful that I, too, have retreated under the covers, where it is nice and warm and comfortable and safe feeling! Humans will do more to avoid pain than we will to feel good.
Hang on... I have to go find a quote from Abraham Lincoln... brb.........
Aha! Here is is:
Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way. -- Abraham Lincoln
Maybe think of those words to help put a little enthusiasm into your search for a new career. You can do it; you can determine to do it... then you will find the way.
Glad, this is the time to reflect on yourself, and all the things that women have had implanted in their brain. The wife, the Mother, the daughter, the whole ball of wax. When I divorced my rich 2nd husband(I only worked a couple of years in that relationship)He lost it all thru cocaine, I left before that, I vowed I would never, I mean never rely on another man to support me and I never did. I have learned that there is no free ride on this planet. So, you have to take the action to gain back your self esteem, and realize that you and only you are responsible for your life. You didnt say how old your son is and if he is living at home, or if you are footing the bills for his education. Tell him there are A's from all walks of life. This disease is not selective, but he does inherit the gene from his Father. I think there are lots of things you could do to impact your son, like tough love. I wish you the best, pray every day and don't double guess your decisions , move on , move your life, be creative, start something!!!
Glad are your getting spousal support for all your years of anchoring??!! I sure hope so- even if you get your own private health insurance, do so- find a job you love- what are you looking for?! What is your dream situation? Please share that with us- by telling us you put it out there- by visualizing it your birth it. Focus on what you HAVE right here, right now. Count out your strengths in the job department- please PM me if you want help with that....I just got offered a great new job...I also kicked myself for not pursuing more when married but at the very end, I went for it and I am so glad I did. You can do it- HP is right here, u need to come up with the vision and follow your desires and your bliss and HP will make it so. But you need to visualize and believe and keep that focus sharp! Hugs, J.
I understand your concerns. I too have had to step out of the way for my child's health and welfare. I had to believe something more powerful than myself could work miracles and that my enabling was only making me more insane. Trust in miracles, they really do happen. Know you've been heard, now believe.
