The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I detach and focus on my work, my life, my program. I feel great and things get better when I do spend time with my ABF. But then they get a little better- he almost shares something or seems to care about something a little and I "forget" and act "normal" meaning forget to constantly be on gaurd that I'm not opening up an emotional topic or my heart does a little "leap" when I think he is opening up and I become happy then I alway "go too far" step out reach out and SLAM the door is shut again and I spend a day or two either feeling like I messed up or being INCREDIBLY angry with him or something. It's just too hard.. even with the tools of alaonon as soon as you forget your dealing with an A, the minute you even try to love or connect he pulls away or makes me feel like I "messed up" somehow. This sucks!
Melody Beattie has some interesting insight on that. She feels like when we catch ourselves its progress. I know you may be a perfectionist we all are. Progress not perfection Maresie.
Glad, YOU don't "go too far". You are being yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself. Do not react to him in any way, shape or form- BE HAPPY, that is a good thing. If he cannot handle it, its his problem. He does not make you feel like you messed up- you do. Stay true to yourself. love and hugs, J.
Hard to sink in that it is not about us. Is there the right words, right time, right response? I just spent the weekend with my AHsober. This is a 30 year history. We had a fairly nice time together with our grandbaby. But then I blew up, he noted it (you are crazy, this is why I left, I don't want to spend the rest of my life listening to this). Of course I regretted "being authentic" and took it in as my fault. Blew any chance of a reconciliation. Then, I did have the presence of mind to tell him that he is responsible for half of the conversation that makes it not go well. I always ffeel like I am at "try-outs" with him. Gosh, was I good enough? Did I jump high enough? Well, with him it is just an excuse to blame it on me. It is not about us really. But I know how you feel.
Glad - I can sure relate. Like you, I sometimes "forget" that my A has unspoken boundaries when it comes to dealing with emotional issues. I am an emotional person - so "walking the line" is sometimes difficult for me - yet I know when I bounce off that line, that he tends to shut down. Last weekend, that kinda happened. I wandered into emotional territory and very quickly began getting one-word responses. That was my slap on the hand, I guess. I realize that I allow it to sting me - that's my issue. But I also realize that I don't plan on living my life free of emotional-connectedness to the people I care about. So there's work to be done. This program has taught me SO much about detachment. And I am forever grateful for it. I know today that his issues are his issues. I can't fix them. And they have nothing to do with me. That's a long way from where I was several years ago. But I also have to accept that since I don't have the power to change anyone but myself, then I need to continue that work on myself - and decide for myself what I am willing or not willing to live with. This is a journey. But I think the first step in the journey truly is self-discovery.
