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I'm numb and apalled, but relieved. My AH decided to take Father's Day as the opportunity to tell his children about his girlfriend. Yep, Father's Day, the day designed to celebrate the one who is the leader and protector of his family. What an idiot!
As we were driving out of town tonight my daughter told me - right when we were at the exact spot they were when he broke the news. Caught me off guard. She said, "now I know why you don't like M. Dad told us they are dating". Right or wrong, I don't know, but I ended up telling my daughter that it was not a new relationship. I let her know that after she told me I wouldn't be replaced and inquired if I had someone. She also couldn't stand the thought of her dad being at fault, so asked me what my blame was. Stupid me said "I wasn't the wife he wanted". Above all, she wanted to know that her dad and I were entirely to blame, and I assured her that she absolutley had no part. When she asked if I realized we screwed up thier lives I just said I was sorry and asked for forgiveness.
Better discussion with my 14 yr old son. He gets it. Said when AH asked if it was okay if gf started coming around, he told her not as long as he (and she) is still married. He's embarrassed and knows it is socially unacceptable. Funny how his dad doesn't. Also, he expressed fear and wanted confirmation that if he had to choose that he would choose his kids. Sad. He said he hoped she was using him. Interesting insight, don't you think?
There was more to both conversations but that is the jist of it. Thank goodness we have a counseling appt scheduled for Fri. Though sad and shocked, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel I've have more room to love them and hope we can all start letting go of the anger. Above all, I keep telling them that we will all be okay.
I need to email my AH about a few things. In it I want to thank him for telling the kids so I didn't have to, and doing it on Father's Day rather than Mother's Day. What a way to be remembered, huh? The kids won't tell him how they feel, thus I want to. I refuse to let him make everything sound good and right, but their well-being is still paramount. Just gotta hang on til Friday.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by debilyn at 18:25, 2008-06-17
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
just the title is funny, its hard when our ex's start dating.
i was telling this friend of mine whats worse at our age (i am 44) is not the normal difficulties of dating to contend with
but the ex's and kids that come with us.
its never gonna be simple here on out thats for sure for any of us oldsters in the dating world.
i married a guy who was divorced 7 years and had two teens who lived with their mother and even thought it was a long ago divorce. when we got serious it was a very difficult adjustment for them and me
it takes time to adjust
is it possible if you can have some boundries with your kids and soon to be ex's, new girlfriend. how to introduce the idea was not very cool on fathers day.
for me it was a matter of being more like an old auntie rather than a mother some people need training on how to be a step-girlfriend/parent etc.
it was dumb the way he told you guys and especially if its a temporary thing. my thought is that kids need to know only if its serious like moving in together kind of stuff.
junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
As Grammy to a three year old whose parents divorced when he was still an infant, this issue of 'dating" has haunted me. My son refuses to "date" or even try; he says he still feels married. Ex-Dil, on other hand, started seeing others about 9 months after the divorce. She quickly introducted these guys to the child, had them overnight, quasi-moved in, etc. I could not and cannot accept that, although she and I have never discussed it at all. I just see NO reason to bring men/women into a child's life unless the plan is re-marrying, in which case, it must be done. At age three, my little guy has openly talked about two of the guys by name, unconsciously called his Daddy by their name, told us of plans involving Mama and ______ such as trips, etc. One has gone on two trips with herand the child and evidently more are planned. There are no answers to this in today's culture. Some find is completely acceptable to bring kids into their "love" life; others, like me and my family, find it irresponsible and bordering on immorality (based on OLD SCHOOL starnadards, of course.) There are people, good decent people, who indeed operate by the old traditional standards. Usually we are criticized for being so. I just realize there is nothing in the world I can do about my grandchild's mom and her choices with men. The only thing I can do is, when he is with me, uphold the highest standards I know appropriate to his age and hope he understands. I do not criticize nor discuss his mother or anyting like that with him at this point. If I am a part of his life long enough, I am sure such discussion/questioing will arise. If this were my son doing what the mother is doing, I would be quick to speak to him. I don't carry double standards for men and women. Both sexes need to put their children first and act strongly toward their child's best interests.
Well, this is good news. It will help the kids understand better what is happening - it has been pretty obvious they sensed the secret, even if they had no idea what it was. Kids being kids, they probably thought the "great unspoken" was all about them, and blamed themselves.
Please try to remember that their relationship with their dad is none of your business. Your focus is on your side of the street. Are you being fair, are you saying what you mean and meaning what you say, are you looking for your part in things and keeping out of what is not your part?
There, Lou, now you can't say your kids never talk about anything! Just trying to see the positive.....
There are two sides to every story. I know I did my damage to my marriage but the damage he did was unrepairable. I tried every which way to Sunday to save my marriage. And when all is said and done, I am the one who left. But I left with my life and most of my soul intact. Let go of the guilt and DO NOT let your daughter blame you. Refuse that. Their lives are different now, not necesarly screwed.
Imagine if y'all had stayed together with things progressing the way they were. Just imagine the kind of screwed your kids would be. At least now they have a shot at "normalacy" with you, in your home. If I let my daughters fall into the well of blame there is a good chance they will never crawl out. They will spend the rest of their lives being the victim of their parents divorce, the mean girl at school, the teacher who doesn't like them, the boss who is a jerk, the bartender who should have cut them off..... I refuse it.
I refuse to allow them to blame anyone for the life they have. And when I hear the stories of AIDS babies and Iraq children who have no parents, and children being forced to kill and children being raped, well, it puts into perspective our divorce and their father's total insanity. It stinks and it hurts them, but they know it could be a whole world worse than it is. I have been encourageing them to look outside their life and remember that other people in this world are suffering and that they can do something about it.
Again, you just handle this elephant crap so gracefully. And you are right that you will all be ok. Infact, y'all will be better than ok, y'all will be great. And in time, the hurt stops hurting so deeply and life does move on and it all just gets better and better. Keep telling, keep letting the secrets out. It means freedom. You have done nothing wrong. I hope your son sticks to his boundry, it is a good one and makes total sense.
It is hard when a parent falls from the pedastal, takes off the cape and becomes human. I think it is a blessing when we can accept that they are simply human and love them and make boundries to protect ourselves from their "human-ness".
Diva, first of all i love the title its great you have a good sense of humor
but as for the well meaning grandma this is my parenting schpiel
Grandma, being a parent is very expensive and time consuming and although it seems like our opinions are good intentioned and meaningful OUR OPINONS ARE NOT APPRECIATED most times when it comes to parenting advice so grandma please keep quiet or you may not see your grandkids very often because you annoy your daughter with your opinions. AND THEY ARE YOUR OPINIONS.
so vent at Alanon or here but please if you value seeing your grandkids without stress please keep your opinions hushed up big time.
i had to learn the hard way with offering unwanted advise with my sisters kid and realized that parenting is such an expensive time consuming job and that the parent has the number one say in all matters regarding the childs well being-unfortunately not the sisters or grandmas because we know best. as for step-kids and dating, its up to the parents but if anybody is impaired with the disease of alcoholism their decision making abilities are crap. so we have to work extra hard to protect ourselves from the poor choices part of the alcoholism for ourselves and our kids.
and i know a lot of nice alcoholics but i also know a lot of people with problems other than alcoholism, it depends on the person some alcoholics are not as mean or sick as others, some actually work and are nice and when they sober up its not so much destruction to recover from like some sicker people.
if you annoy your daughter about her dating habbits it will only make her not like you and do what she wants and you will be the loser all the way around because it won't change anything and only make hard feelings between you that might take years to heal if you appologized.
anyhoo, so create a win win situation for yourself. spend time with your grandkids and maybe even babysit some weekends so your daughter can go date without the kids in tow.
love junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Well, junehouse, you obviously didn't read the well-meaning granny's post. Go back and do it and see if I still deserved the little parenting schpiel you handed me. Please go back and read. Understand this isn't my daughter. Understand I do not give her my opinions. Understand that I am not so stupid as to think she would care. Understand that my grandchild's best interests is in my heart. Your lecture was undeserved and uncalled for.
grammy i knew it was your daughter in law but i did not want to write daughter in law each time. and well meaning or not its your opinion
and as i said its expensive and time consuming to be a parent and because of this unless its an emminent danger we have little reason to give our opinions
particularily on someone elses dating whomever it is ex relative or not it would only create problems for you in your relationship with your daughter.
my thought was to save your misery that i learned the hard way with my sister who i gave parenting advise over things that where none of my business.
the goal is for you to have a relationship with your grandkids i would guess and anything you bring to the relationship with your daughter in law would benefit you both more if you were a pleasant experience for her not an additional stressor in her life.
don't be a stressor
you can have your opinion and share it here and in alanon or with your friends in private but for your own sake keep this to yourself or risk irrepairable dammage to the relationship
my light hearted suggestion is to offer to babysit more no one passes up free babysitting and especially on the weekends once in a while.
junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
