The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recap: Haven't seen A-bf since early February. He had broken up with me. I went through the grief process of loss. He went to 90-day rehab (April - July) and is now calling and acting as if nothing ever happened; acting as if we are still a couple.
In short I stated, "You broke up with me." He replied, "I was drunk."
I don't feel it will do any good at all to tell him what I have been through; it won't make a difference. Thus the speechlessness.
In a "normal" relationship, I would feel free to discuss these things... but not in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Not allowed to talk about it with him when he is drunk... he won't remember or care.
Not allowed to talk about it with him when he is in rehab... "I am in rehab. I need to focus on me now."
Not allowed to talk about it when he gets home; the conversation is ended with, "Well, I was drunk."
So, nothing is said. It gets stuffed. I figure the only place I can say it is here. Get it out in Alanon... for ME!
My feelings: hurt, don't trust him anymore, cannot rely on him for anything
don't believe that he will stay sober, will go through this all over again (over & over & over forever)
would try to break up with him permanently but fear he will be a stalker just like his brother
angry at him (and I don't care that it is "a disease" and "he can't help it")... I'm still royally pissed off about it
wish I could talk to him about it, but know that it would do no good at all... it won't change what happened & it won't stop it from happening again (and he won't care anyway, because it is all about him)
Our relationship is not healthy. The trust is gone. I can't pretend that all is well, because it is not.
I know that you have to work on yourself, and I'm supposed to work on myself. Blah! Blah! Blah!
There are certain things (it seems) that AA's and Alanon's are "not allowed" to discuss with each other. An AA's recovery is none of an Alanon's business.
Drunk or not, you broke up with me twice. The second time I went through all of the grief process of a loss.
My family & friends know that you and I broke up. I'm not willing to tell them any different.
I once had a person that I needed to have out of my life for my safety, sanity, health and peace of mind. I realized any discussion at all only opened me to continued mind games. It was the hardest thing I had to do to simply not acknowledge their calls, emails, IM's...........however, they finally got tired of trying to contact me. I did not have to keep going through the same games. When it was... it was over, they were too messed up to have a conversation with.
Esh, I can understand your frustration. I have been there many times, my husband after 26 years of marriage got his first DUI and suspended from his job, after 24 years and yes Esh, when your with an A, the drinking can go on forever and ever and yes they are very selfish. The disease is not their fault, but getting sober is their responsibility. My husband has been sober now for 5 days, thats the most he has been sober in 6 years. He gets another dui and he will stay in jail and he will get a public defender. That could take up to 6 months. Esh, you do have the choice to move on, nobody is saying you have to stay with the A, the choice is yours. You musnt leave in anger. Stay with Alanon and pray to your higher power to return you to serenity. You cant make decisions when you are angry, you will just bring it to the next relationship. There isn't a person or thing that can make us happy. I'm not talking about relative happiness, but absolute happiness, the kind that makes you strong inside and nobody can take away from you. Don't give away your power. Keep coming back !!!!!! Luv, Bettina
I agree with Peggy. Sometimes the only way to deal with that type of personality is to go No Contact. It is hard as I was addicted to him and the drama. But it has been an invaluable tool. I even went and got a No Contact Restraining Order so that if he did attempt to contact me at all, he be in jail. It also helped me keep my side of the street clean. When I filled up with rage over what he did to me or the kids, I could not contact him. It forced me to find other outlets for my anger.
If you send that letter you are just engaging with him. You said it once "you broke up with me" and that is all that needs to be said. Fear of him and what his reactions will be are not a good reason to stay or go back. The police are there for exactly those kinds of situations.
My A packed up all his stuff and left one day when I set a boundry ie (we are not spending my 2 daughters christmas money(that I earned independently) to bail you out of your latest financial problem. (skipping lots of details now)....
Anyway, fast forward 3 mths...for some dumb, complicated, codependant reason I ended up letting / rather begging him to move back in (absolute insanity) over a 2 years later I'm still with what I had before he moved out... I knew full well he had all these issues and I begged him back...
Consider doing better than I did?
Let yourself let go!!
I continue to beg him to care just a little and he continues to convince me that the reason I want him to care for me/ be emotionally close to me, is because I have low self worth. Funny I sure do have confidence in all things not related to him??? Sure have accompolished alot before I was with him. All things he has no value or respect for or understanding of by the way... YUK again!!
Let yourself let go!! Care more for yourself than you do for him.
I think they know reality and know how to distort it to keep us confused therefore they feel more powerful.
I think its called a double bind. You can talk about it here of course. This is a great great venue to talk about it. You can also explore what it is that attracted you to him that will bring a lot of answers (not from him of course directly). There is "gold" in there but it isn't going to come out of his mouth necessarily.
Working a program is hard stuff, getting back up after you fall down is hard going.
I agree w/Peggy and Seren and its what I had to do also. It becomes more and more apparent that THEY ARE INSANE and make no sense at all- NO CONTACT was the very best move I ever made, thank god for this program which helped me to see this. You deserve so much better. Hugs, J.
