The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found this board last year about this time when my AH was very active and in deep denial. Messages on this board, coupled with the research I had done all last year helped me to make the personal choice of separating from him.
After 3 weeks of separation, he crashed and went into to detox, then into a 30-day rehab facility. All seemed to be going well. I came back home at the end of March. There has been no signs of him drinking; this is, up until very recently.
A few days ago, I found tangible evidence, however. I showed him the 16 oz. Pepsi bottle, that he filled with whiskey and hid underneath a bunch of crap on his workbench in the garage. It was 3/4 gone. Of course, he said it was his first drink since rehab. I told him I wasn't interested in any explanations or excuses. (Oh, he did try the "you work such long hours....I feel ignored...." song. I told him that there is no good excuse for drinking since he is an alcoholic.
I am at a loss. I told him before I moved back in that if he slipped up just one time, he was the one to leave. Well, that was really dumb of me, because he isn't going to leave. Now he rants about putting the house up for sale and splitting everything..................yada, yada.
I just wanted to post to remind all of you to be very careful about what you say, especially agreements made with the alcoholic. I was really fooling myself to think that he would move out the first time he drank again. What was I thinking?
At least this time, I'm not all flipped out and trying to get him to talk to me. I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm in the middle of looking for another job. I would not want to move out again until I know where I'll be working next school year. I don't want to have to drive a long distance.
He may have slipped but u don't have to go with him this is his trip leave it with him where it belongs . I assume u are not attending al anon meetings for yurself - I hope that u will consider giving f2f meetings a try they truly changed my life and that of my family for the better . You need support with skin on it . :) Louise
Seems like they always win at ultimatums. When my ultimatums are at the tip of my tongue, he beats me to it. Relapse is relapse. Take care of yourself.
I did the same thing. When my A got out of rehab in February, I let him know that there would be consequenses if he decided to drink/use again. I told him that I would take our daughter and move out. I also told him that he would have to move because he wouldn't be allowed to stay at his grandparents house anymore. Well, he did relapse with alchohol and pain pills and I'm still here. The good thing is that I found this board for support and started to go to alanon f2f meetings. Hopefully I will gain some tools and some strength and finally be able to make a decision that is good for me!!!
I too am in your shoes. I had it all set to leave my AH last May, had a deposit on a condo and everything, credit in the works, etc. Well, he drank himself almost to death, threatened suicide, my son called the police, they came and got him, we was taken to the hospsital and then when released a few days later, went to rehab for 21 days. He asked me to please give our marriage another shot, I wasn't sure, he begged, said he was going to make everything right and better than it ever was (he was sober at one point for over 14 years without a single relapse, then relapsed for 5 or 6 years straight). I told him then if he relapsed again, I wasn't going to put up with it, that he should be the one to leave and he agreed and promised there would be no relapses. So while he was in rehab, I cancelled all my plans about the condo and gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was sober for 3 months, and was wonderful, I fell back in love with him, even more so than I thought. Then bam! Relapse on Labor Day weekend. He has been going strong ever since! I took out an order of protection against him banning him from drinking or being drunk in our home in October, but dropped in February because he started outpatient treatment (which he stopped going the MINUTE I dropped that order). Now he is on the verge of losing his job, thinks nothing that if he did, for me to work to support us while he sits home and gets drunk, then angry and even last night he called me "fat a$$". I have alot to lose if I leave, I have alot to lose if I stay and he loses his job. He is also sick w/liver disease. So I'm torn too. Glad to meet you, we're both in the same boat. Terri
Dont' beat yourself up. We all say and mean things we can't back up. The number of times I told the A I had enough are countless. In addition the number of times I had my fill of him, hated him, wanted nothing more to do with him. The A I was with calls regularly. I've made it abdundantly clear I want nothing to do with him does he listen - nope. He still calls at least once a month. Now the issue is that for the last 4 months I have not asked him how he was, engaged him in any way but he still calls. I plan now to say nothing, do nothing, never answer the phone to him and just delete his voice mails.
Making a plan be takes time, it is a thing to be polished and looked at and examined.
Please don't beat yourself up. The disease lies to us too. I think we really do hope and hope against hope they mean it when they don't. Some people do mean it. I know people who are sober and their life depends on it. They act like that. Some people do indeed get sober, move on and take care of themselves, for others lots of relapses are the path they choose.
What you choose can be carefully weighed and investigated and you can choose differently but don't beat yourself up. We don't have to be perfect!
