The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Damn these alcoholics! Every one of them. I have been patient and loving; I have swallowed my pride; I have tried to keep mind and body together; I have tried to learn how to be happy and serene while he causes pain and havoc; I have tiptoed around the subject so as not to hurt him. What has HE done? DRINK!!
I have listened to apology after apology, knowing each one is a crock; I have made excuses; I have been embarrassed; I have been humiliated; What has HE been? DRUNK!
I have given in to his selfishness; I have kept the peace; I have prayed; I have begged; I have cried; I have cajoled; I have threatened; I have yelled and screamed. What has HE done? LIED!
I have come to the conclusion that a drunk is a drunk and never will be any thing more. The demon is in control; it rules their very existence. Sobriety is a fleeting thing that cannot be trusted.
Here I sit right now afraid to tell him that I have bought a condo on Waikiki Beach and intend to go and live in it. I am intimidated; I am frustrated; I am angry; I am the one who needs the damned therapist. He is happy as a lark.
Oh yes, I know he has his "issues." I have been told that over and over again by those who profess to "understand" the poor A. Maybe among those issues are low self-esteem; or the consequences of a bad deal of the genetics deck. Or heaven knows what else. I couldn't care less what his "issues" are!
The roller coaster isn't worth the price of the ticket to ride. God give me the strength to get off. My life is waiting out there; beckoning me to an uncertain future.
I have figured it out. Just like the flash of a strobe, it hit me. It's that uncertain future and all its possibilities that stops us from reaching for the brass ring.
That's pitiful.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I heard a speaker describe the active alcoholic as a lizard--a reptile that functions on the most primative and basic levels and whose imperative is only to feed its addiction. The reptile will say anything, promise anything, and do anything (or anyone?) if it will feed that addiction. Thinking of addiction that way helped me let myself off the hook for believing, hoping, excusing, and hanging on for as along as I did before I finally saved myself (and got out of the way and gave my AH the chance to save himself if he wanted to). Be gentle with yourself!!
Congratulations on the condo!! That sounds wonderful. I understand your fear of telling him, but it seems as though you made this decision for yourself--it was not an attempt to manipulate him or an ultimatum to him to change. Your earlier posts sounded like you realized that this is what you needed to do for you and that you stepped out in faith and made it happen. Stay focused on your intentions, be compassionate and remain true to yourself. You'll be just fine!!
Aloha!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Diva, do what you need to do, I think your on the right path. I have been married to the A for 26 years, had his first dui this week, I drove him to an AA meeting, got outside of the car there were two people talking, I told them can you help this man, "Jerry" came over talked to my husband, made him cry, shook his hand and said from now on you wont take another drink, , my A has been to 5 meetings and he is not drinking, well, his job is on the line, he has been suspended from work and our health Insurance is in jeopardy. We were separated for 6 months , a year ago, It felt great, then I had a stroke, he came back to help me financially, it was a mistake. I hope the A finds sobriety for himself whether were together or not, but what he put me thru this we , Im taking some R and R and may go to Hawaii myself. The choices are your's Diva, just live!!!!
You have made your decision. Now I what has worked for me is to stick to it and try to let go of my expectations of how he will react to my decisions. It is his business how he reacts. It is not a reflection on me and I need do nothing about it. If he is mad, it is not for me to make it better for him. If he is sad or hurt, it is not for me to make it better. He has to learn how to control his own emotions and learn to act, not react, just like I do. I no longer take the blame for his bad feelings. They are not mine and I did not cause them, his reactions did.
You may know this already, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. You do not have to be intimidated by outbursts or guilt or blame. You have not caused him to be this way. None of us can be good enough to them to make them stop, or want to stop. You have not failed him. This is a disease. You cannot cure him. If he had cancer or diabetes, you could not cure him. It is a disease that uses our guilt to keep us all hooked and feeding it. You cannot love him enough and he cannot love you enough to get rid of it. I feel like it is a parasite of the mind that eventually kills its host and infects those around it in the process.
The hardest thing for me as to stop trying to manipulate it. Yelling is manipulating, Crying is manipulating. Keeping the peace, making excuses, threatening are all manipulating. Yes, I have done them all and many more as many of us have. But manipulating doesn't work any better than loving does.
The key to them getting better is them loving themselves enough to save themselves from this disease. We cannot do this for them. They have to get desperate enough to find it inside themselves. The disease uses us to keep them from getting desperate enough. That's how I feel and that's how I managed to learn how to stop enabling. I learned to see very clearly how I was enabling the disease to continue to control my AH with all my well intentioned interference.
I am glad you got your condo. I hope you enjoy your time there. I hope you don't forsake us no matter what your A does.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
What more could anyone want? I don't know. I do remember saying, outloud to another alanon that I would trade my ex crackhead for a run of the mill drunk anyday. Today, I would kick them both to the curb and wait patiently for the man without the addiction issues.
Now, Diva, are you really scared of HIM or are you just feeling a bit fearful of the future, the change? Even the loss of something "bad" is still a loss. A loss of the famliar not matter that the familiar is not what we want.
I have been very aware of The Process lately. Thru the grief, the relationship, the recovery. I am finding comfort in the process but I am also hating the process. Stages and time. It all will pass. I do find that without any active A's in my life on a daily basis, I am more able to detatch, find compassion, focus on myself. I'm right there with you most days though. Screw the A and his "issues". Live YOUR life!!!!!!
I know you are going to hate this my friend, but it appears as though you have done everything possible that you can. The only thing left to do is accept.
If you are going to Hawaii for you then you are going for the right reasons my wonderful friend. Just do it!!!! Do it for you, you are so worth it!!!
Mary Pearl, a renown Alanon speaker, says the only thing worse than making an amends is making an amends to an @ss _ _ _ _. Keep your side of the street clean and keep on keepin' on.
We are all cheering you on,
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I understand every single word you wrote here. I could have written them myself. I found out though, the a's in my life were being a's. I was the one who wanted them to be something different. As long as I had my expectations pointed in the direction of them changing anything about themselves, I was going crazy. One day it became clear to me. I wanted them to change. They were perfectly happy being who they were. I was the one who wasn't happy with who they were. My finger changed direction at who it was pointing at as far as shelfishness was concerned.
It was that day (which I will never forget) that my life started to change.
Good luck in your new condo!! Let me know how the fishing and sailing is!!!
Hi Diva, You remind me of me. From my own experience let me caution you that if you do leave this guy you might find another person who is checked out emotionally. For me a lot of being with an emotionally absent person had to do with the fact that I did not want to deal with reality either.
I was married to a guy who had mental illness not alcoholism but many of the issues you describe happened in my married due to his mental illness. and afterall perhaps alcoholism and mental illness have many similarities. but the base of the trouble was that i was with someone who was emotionally zoned out and unanavailable due to his illness. also someone that i had to carry in order to get love, caretaking for love.
so once i started therapy in earnest after many tries and failures because i was not ready. when i got good and ready to start and face my own feelings of anger and pain over my own past and walk through it with a trained professional i started making better living choices and not acting out my pain so much in my regular life. not that i don't always struggle with feeling my feelings and not let my life reflect my grief and suffering.
anyhoo, so even if this guy was not around you would still be angst ridden and would more than likely find a similar type person in one way or another in order to not have to deal with what is bothering you. its hard to face our saddness but its much harder to keep up all the tap dancing around them to avoid pain. ie checked out partners and compulsions etc.
yellow pages offer a wide variety of counselors, believe me i always thought i was the sane one and i didn't need help but boy thank god i sat my but in a chair for three years once a week paid the money, started getting honest about my life. wouldn't hesitate to go back if something tough came up.
junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
There is no reason why you should be afraid to tell him you're leaving. You are a strong woman. You hand the fortitude to divorce him and live as partners in order to protect yourself and your belongings. Not many people I know would do that.
There are days when I felt like an Alanon fraud. Truth be told more than a few days. But I'm human and I have faults and foibles like the rest of us.
You'll find your voice to tell him you're leaving. If he yells and throws a fit then so be it. Those are his reaction. In fact I bet he will. That's okay because you'll be prepared for that. If he gets out of hand remind him the house is in your name and if he doesn't behave he can leave. Sounds cold but you don't have to tolerate that behavior in your house. Nobody has to put up with being emotionally or verbally abused. For some it's harder and more dangerous to leave than others. I wish that were not so.
You can do this. You have been through much and the rest of your life is eagerly awaiting you in Waikiki. It'll be worth telling him in order to get on with your life. There maybe some ugly times ahead, but keep your eyes on the prize. Sending much love and blessings to you and your new home. Let me know when the house warming is, Pipers and I are on the way!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- you on the beach!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello Diva - nice to see you here again I have missed yur posts . sorry your feeling so crappy and afraid to tell him about your condo hope u find the courage to do so soon u don't need the agrivation . As usual I disagree with yur description of a drunk that they never change . My husb is sober 19 yrs and has made way too many changes to list here . again only because he finally saw the need to change for his sake , he was dying and knew it . As we were separated at the time the choice to stop had nothing to do with me . There is always hope Diva especially for us , enjoy your new home you earned it . Louise
Sister lady you are soooo right. Rememberthey are sick, but that in no way means we have to live with them!
The gravy train is over Diva. Maybe you have come to the place I did. We gave our all and then not much,then realized even houseing them enabled them.
Diva it is hard to make changes,however the challenges are so good for us. What would you be losing to head out to Hawaii?
What would you be gaining? If you have friends you wil miss, I am sure if they cannot afford it, you would be happy to fly them over !!
As far as this man who has filled your life for so long, are you willing to watch the disease to continue to make him worse?
Are you willing to allow the disease to suck all the life out of you?
I am super proud of you to make the decision to get your new home and plan to move your fur family there. Diva it will still hurt to let him go. However you are setting yourself up in a healthy place to heal.
Also you know what? He will always be there if you change your mind.. Diva also his behavior does not reflect on you. If it does to some one's they are not worth being your friend. much love to you and the furkids,debilyn
The posts are very supportive and helpful. I wanted to add from my own experience wanting to leave a relationship for years but not having the tools to change I stayed in it. Finally I began seeing a therapist after many unsuccessful tries and stuck it out. I begain therapy, oh lets see in the spring of 1996 and by that summer felt able to make some rudimentary changes to try and leave my marriage of ten years.
First I took a summer job in another state and when I returned I moved into a friends house for a month or two until I found an appartment. With the weekly therapy appointments I was able to cope with the lonliness. Even though I wanted to end the relationship it was really hard for me to be alone. The first months after I moved out we continued to see each other and did not divorce until February 1997. I was so codependant and self blaming I paid for his therapy also even though we earned roughtly the same amount of money. I still have some resentment about that but it was me at the time. I was convinced I was responsible for his well being through the divorce also. Although he had a lot more support than me. I continued seeing the same therapist until 1999. So i saw her for about three years.
I remember when I walked into her office. (this is after seeing about four or five therapists one or two times the previous years and never getting anywhere) and the therapist asked me what I wanted out of therapy. I told her I had always had this fantasy of living in my own place and racewalking and going back to school and getting a masters degree and leaving nursing. It all seemed so far fetched at the time. Slowly I learned to live in my own place and started just walking three times a week. Slowly I started racewalking and got down to my thinnest in adulthood.
So basically I wanted to change relationships and career, love and work the two most important things. Its now years later in a much happier marriage and have a son who is two. I was single 8 years and dated people but never lived with anyone because of my seriousness about wanting a stable partner and could not trust myself to choose someone quickly. Much of my dating was with guys I took care of just like my ex but I eventually started dating some more together people. In fact the more together I got the more together guys I was able to date. It took time to feel better after so many years of dealing with my ex-husband and his mental illness and my caretaking.
Anyway, for me it was not just about being able to leave. I had to also start learning to focus on myself and develope my own self and sense of identity and self worth. I still struggle with these things but therapy was INVALUABLE. I also attended Alanon meetings regularily. I had many reasons for not wanting to be in the relationship but could never leave. We were married for ten years. I look back on those years between 23-33 and wonder why I waited so long. It just took me a long time to find the support.
so therapy although to help support the changes I wanted in my life was also great just for emotional support during my divorce. I was really upset about it and it took more than a year to really adjust. Sort of like a death even though it was me who wanted the divorce. I am so grateful to that therapist. I have had different therapy experiences since for issues. Like I saw a guy at the student health for six months when I was starting graduate school. and another guy when i was thinking of moving out of New Mexico.
i just found a lot of support and guidance in therapy that I never found in Alanon. although in Alanon I found the community understanding and was given a group of friends to hang out with none of them were professionals. I don't think I would have ever made it to therapy if I had not gotten more honest about my misery in Alanon. Alanon made therapy acceptable to me somehow and I am grateful for the both. but I don't know if I could have made those changes without the help of a therapist. I had been going to Alanon since I was 23 because of my alcoholic parents but still could not leave without the extra support of therapy. and than to stay in therapy so i could have help making changes in my life after i was single.
Junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Diva, I know exactly how you feel. I cried while reading your post.
My AH is also a drunk and a liar. He will look me right in the eye and lie! Blows me away! I can't believe he can do that to me! His favorite thing to say is "I haven't been doing anything I shouldn't be doing." Oh, really?!? He'll stand there swaying from booze and tell me he hasn't done anything he shouldn't be doing! Great. At that point I wonder if he is having some kind of seizure. No normal person would act that way if they haven't been drinking, so it must be something else, right? \
It's crazy, man. I tell you, the hardest thing for me is knowing that my wonderful husband who I love with all of my heart is gone and some alcoholic demon has taken his soul!
<--- you on the beach!