The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to do something special today for my dad. I wanted to try to express what he means to me now and how I feel about him.
The obvious starting place is that without him..with a little help from my mom too of course, I would not exist. And I also believe "The King" my HP, has everything to do with my existence as well, but my Dad was the one here on earth who provided for me day to day as a child.He was "The King's" representative.
In my earliest memories of my Dad is where I have discovered the truth of him.
A lot of these memories where forgotten over time. Hidden behind the cloud of feelings and emotions of being a teenager, and a teenager with a dad who drank too much. A dad who could be very demanding and critical. A dad who was absent a lot, sitting down at the bar. A dad who, when he was there, was still absent. The man in the throws of a disease. Sitting in his chair rattling the ice cubes in his empty glass so my mother would refill the drink dejour. The man who would yell loudly, when mom, brother or I would make a mistake but who could also seemingly never praise you when you did something well. A man who could not hug you or tell you that he loved you. Throw into that the inner turmoil, confusion and angst of a teenage boy and you have a great cocktail to create a resentful, angry, lonely, low-self esteem possessing young man. A young man unable to remember how his dad was when he was younger at a time when his Dad was not so deep into the depths of his disease. A young man no longer able to see the reality of the way his dad felt about him even while in the depths of his disease.
I remember a time when I was probably about 9 or 10 years old and my dad had bought a boat. That boat was so great for us. We went camping, and fishing nearly every weekend for many years. On one of those early trips we went with a couple other families. When we got to the lake and were trying to set up camp it was already dark. My dad had gotten a old canvas tent from somewhere and was trying to set it up. He had bought it used from someone and so there were no instructions...not that my dad used instructions much...lol. He is a typical man in that department. But I remember how I felt. I knew he would figure it out. There was no question in my mind. My dad can do anything, that is the feeling I had.
I even remember wandering over to one of the other family's campsites, they had gotten there earlier and were already set up. They asked me if we needed any help getting set up. I told them my dad was getting our new tent set up, but that no, we didn't need any help because my dad could do it. He is the smartest man in the world!
The man just smiled at me.
I was so very, very proud of my dad when I was a young boy. I really did feel like he could do anything. He made me feel safe.
And he used to bring my brother and I big jugs of "Dad's Root beer" home sometimes. To this day, there is nothing better on this planet to me, than Dad's Root beer. It is not so easy to find anymore, but when I do I have one and it brings back such great memories to me.
I don't remember my dad ever saying he loved me back then, but he didn't have to. I knew he did. I could feel it all around me when he was home.
Then I got older, he started drinking a lot and those feelings changed. I stopped feeling that love. I stopped thinking he was the smartest man in the world. I started seeing the disease. My vision became clouded by it.
What I realize now is that he was always that same man that he was when I was a boy. He just got sick. And so did I.
Yesterday I had to do some work on my house. I needed to install a new air conditioning unit. There was some carpentry involved. I called my dad to borrow a tool from him. I tell myself I just wanted the tool, but inside I know I wanted his help too. And I got it. And to be honest, I would have got it even if I didn't want it..lol. Because he is that way, he still is my dad. He still wants to make sure I do things right.
It was a great day. There were some pretty tricky issues to handle. And I was wondering how we would accomplish them. Left to myself, I have no doubt that I could have solved them eventually, but honestly too, I would have been a little stressed and worried, because sometimes I do still doubt that I am good enough to do some things. But with my dad there, it removed any doubt. I absolutely have faith that whatever we are working on it will be accomplished. Sure with him the work goes slower. We have to take a cigarette break every so often...or a run to the cafe for a cup of coffee to "think about" an issue we are trying to solve. But it gets done. And it gets done well.
My dad has been sober for 28 years now. He has no program. He stopped drinking the same way he does everything else. When he sets his mind to do something he does it. He was told he would die if he didn't stop so he did. I have been and am so proud of him for that. I have no doubt I would have lost my dad to alcohol 25+ years ago if he hadn't stopped.
And I am so very grateful that did not happen.
My dad is there for me. Always. Not going to say it is not without some grumbling, and negative comments on occasion..lol...but he is there. I have learned to appreciate the gift this is to me and to ignore the "white noise" of what comes out of his mouth sometimes. I watch the actions. His actions say he cares. His actions say he loves me.
He has this habit, which my mom, brother and I all acquired over the years. I have worked hard to lose this habit with some success. Whenever something is an issue, or troublesome it is stupid, let's say the tire on his truck goes flat. He will say, "I have to go to town and get the stupid flat tire fixed". Yesterday we were working inside a wall. He asked me "Will your stupid drill fit in between these studs?" I told him "No, because I don't have any stupid drill's, but my extremely intelligent drill will"!
That actually got a laugh out of him. And me too.
What this all boils down to is just this. Thanks to this program of al-anon, I am so much more like that little boy that I used to be. That innocent young boy that trusted and had absolute faith in his daddy. My dad is not perfect. He is a flawed human being just like me. But he is a good man. A very good man.
When I am with him now, I feel that love surround me again. I still don't hear those words, I still don't get that hug, but it really doesn't matter to me. I get so much more than that.
I am so grateful that I still have him in my life. So grateful that I married an alcoholic woman, that my big daddy "The King" used to get me to al-anon, so that I have been able to remove the cloud in front of my eyes and see the man who is my dad. And so very, very much more.
You are a good writer. I was really drawn in by the time I read about your dad setting up the tent when it was dark.
Its very obvious you love your dad and that you have a good relationship with him today but it does sound like there are a lot of sad feelings mixed in that love with a person like this.
I am sad that you had to deal with your wife's alcoholism. Nothing is sadder but thank god you got out of denial over it and could live a life of someone who wasn't covering up and lying and stuff. I go into minimizing mode pretty easily.
Sounds like things are good for you today on Father's day although I see some saddness also. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Best Regards junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
(((david62))) I really enjoyed your post. Wonderfol story. You have a Special Dad, and your Dad would say he has a Special Son. I think it was in one of your earlier post, you said even God can't change the past. David, cherish the days like yesterday that you had with your Dad. Yesterday was a day you would not change if you could. Some days in your past I am sure you try to forget. Yesterday will never be one of them!!!!!!! Happy Fathers Day RLC
With tears in my eyes for what was for that little boy and a smile in my heart for what is, what you choose it to be. I felt like I was there. I hope you'll be able to share your tribute with your Dad.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Aloha David...That reminded me and made me smile. I reached the time and place that hug giving was not a wish or expectation but something I did and usually at a time that mine least expected it and had excuses for not getting it. "I'm too sweaty" was one of them. He really had to learn that it was okay to love and be loved and that happened before he expired.
Your recovery has polished your empathy and compassion not to mention your way of expression. For that I am grateful and for that I stick around to learn.
Happy Fathers Day yourself may you acquire many more miracles.
What a great share and tribute to your Dad. He's an awfully proud man. I had to chuckle at the tent story. We had one of those canvas tents that weighted 10 tons too. You had to air it out and it took and army to put it up. It could hold a house in it. Boy did we have some fun in it, even in our own backyard. I was blessed that my family didn't drink, but we had our share of hurdles. All in all he was a bit gruf, but I always knew he loved me. He's been gone 9 years now, and I miss him. Thanks for making me remember the tent stories. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss da boys!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello David ,that was awsome thank yu for sharring that with us . My father was an amazing man ,, kind loving and always sharred with those who didn't have what we did . Growing up he insisted that we do something for nothing ONCE A DAY . and i can tell u that used to tick me off , we had to rake leaves for the widow next door , grocery shop for the neighbour that was sick and were never allowed to take a $$i$$ which of course seemed totally unfair to me . hehe When i joined this wonderful program I was reminded of my father and his something for nothing once a day , I can pick up the phone and find out if a newcommer is okay , I can listen when a member is in trouble - I can share honestly at a meeting . My father passed away a few yrs ago - again thanks to this prog I was able to make amends for my attitude and suprise suprise he forgave me . Am I blessed or what ? thanks again for your beautiful post . We put Something for Nothing on his tombstone after all it was who he was . described him to a T . Louise
